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AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about DP's coworker/employee?

(23 Posts)
YUDOTHIS Sun 09-Aug-15 15:14:17

Hi all.
My DP is a manager of sorts (I don't want to go too much into the titles and hierarchy as i may out myself) he assists and oversees the running of several businesses localish to us, these businesses belong to a big chain. This is relevant.
every week at least once he pops into each business and spends time in each part of said businesses, provides some help and information to employees regarding training courses and the like.. One of these businesses is one that he worked in for years , so he knows all of the longtime employees, it is also the most local to us so he is happy to pop down for a day at a time and occasionally provide emergency managerial cover if the days coincide and the assistant manager is unavailable (this isn't his job, he's just happy to do it fine and dandy) his best friend is actually the assistant manager, so as expected he has quite a personal and professional connection to this business! Anyhow, I think you guys get the feel of it all now. One lady works there as a cleaner/employee (she is hired by the cleaning company that the business uses and by the business itself, confusing i know, lets call her K) she has been there for 10yrs (so her and dp know each other, ish) , when they have staff do's that are localish to us DP and I will 9/10 be invited, if we can get childcare for DC's I will also go along. we got invited on a staff party pub crawl a few weeks back. K and I went outside for a cigarette on our own, K started talking about deeply personal things that were irrelevant to our night out (A loss that dp and i suffered when we first got together before we had DD) saying "*DP was so excited about becoming a dad then... he was going on about all sorts of things he'd be able to teach them" x y and z you get the picture. shit that just didn't need to be said, it wasn't in a "Im sorry for your loss" way either seeing as this loss happened nigh on 4yrs ago and she's seen me at least 5 times a year since and at the time when it happened DP worked with her full time!I finished my cigarette without a word and headed back inside, she threw a barely smoked cigarette and headed back in after me, practically divebombed the sofa next to DP to sit next to him which needless to say confused me quite a bit! as the night went on, i noticed she was being awfully touchy with dp (to the point where DP, who wouldn't notice he was being hit on if someone rubbed their tits in his face, actually noticed!) slapping his leg in a jokey way and then leaving it there and rubbing his leg O.O which made DP move away obviously quite a few times. K also kept saying "aww *dp is a lovely bloke he looks after us so well we're so lucky to have him as our manager! You're the man!" DP was a bit hmm at all of this,K then started telling me how lovely a bloke DP is, How brilliant he is, how much of a good friend he is and how much of a lovely man he is to have around. I just said "well, yes love, I've known him for 10 years and wake up to him every day, I know what he's like!"... we then moved onto the last pub of the night and again i ended up with her on my own (in the toilets) K started gushing about how she'd love a man like Dp, how he's so kind and caring etc etc.
I found this a bit weird so just walked out, planted myself next to dp and wouldn't go to the bar in case she stole my seat paranoid i know and after about an hour me and dp went to head home as it was very late. as we were leaving and dp was hugging his friends goodbye, K gave him a hug (not unusual) and bit his bloody ear O.o me and DP just looked at her weirdly until DP said don't ever do that again and we walked home.
The next day some of DP's co workers/friends text to say "wasn't K being a tad OTT with you last night?! I notice Yudo didn't look at all happy and with good reason i reckon!" or words to those effects. I know this was a while back (well a few weeks ago) but DP's birthday is on the 30th of this month and we're/he's planning a similar pub crawl, i'd like to go but if i do go it means my aunt will have DC's, but if i decide not to go i cant really change my mind as its not fair to mess my aunt around. the reason why im undecided is i dont want to see that again quite frankly, and i know that if i snapped and said enough is enough and she played dumb and i was tipsy i may not be above causing a scene blush but I don't see why i should miss out on DP's birthday bash this year as I couldn't go last year due to having not long had a baby and he couldn't really have a big party like normal as i wanted him home for midnight and he didn't finish work until 8:30 (his first night out after DD) so its been loosely planned for us to both go a bit mental this time with the kids safe and well with my aunt, however i'm having second thoughts now sad

TenForward82 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:17:06

Judging from your husband's reaction to her, you have nothing to worry about. She's trying to turn his head but is failing. I think you need to trust your DH on this one - he's obviously not having any of it.

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 09-Aug-15 15:19:24

Sorry, I don't quite get it. Do you think that the text from DP's friend was insinuating that something had happened between DP and K? If you're not worried that something's going on between them, I'd just communicate your worries that she has a crush on DP to DP, and then let him handle the situation. Is it possible not to invite her to DP's birthday?

YUDOTHIS Sun 09-Aug-15 15:19:53

forgot to add that everyone from this pub is invited to DP's birthday, thats why im uneasy

TenForward82 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:21:21

If you go, and K is still all over him, could you have a quiet word with K off the side? To avoid scene causing?

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 09-Aug-15 15:21:21

Hm - in that case is it possible to get your DP to un-invite K? She'd be so embarrassed that she probably wouldn't hassle your DP again anyway.

YUDOTHIS Sun 09-Aug-15 15:23:53

No I honestly believe nothing has gone on between them. I feel uneasy due to her behavior and the fact that I feel shes goading me into an argument, both with her behavior and mentioning hurtful things that happened years ago and have no reason to be talked about on a night out, I don't feel threatened in that manner just disrespected hugely and again like she's trying to goad me, I'd like to say i'd be able to pull her to one side but i'll be honest she's a bit scary and i worry i'd either chicken out or with the influence of alcohol and heightened emotions would cause a scene or worse sorry about slow or mismatched replies im on 3g at the minute its extremely slow

YUDOTHIS Sun 09-Aug-15 15:26:51

I also dont know how well uninviting would work, we dont hire bars or pubs when we go out so they're open to the public if she really wants to turn up she can and seeing as all from the business are invited im not sure how well it'd go down with her

Sandbrook Sun 09-Aug-15 15:31:09

I would not my DHs birthday because a colleague has a not so secret crush on him and judging by your DHs reaction it is one sided.
Go but if she brings up your sad loss again tell her you find it hurtful and disrespectful to bring it up on a drink fuelled night put and you don't want to talk about it. Move away from her and carry on enjoying your night

mommy2ash Sun 09-Aug-15 15:32:59

After that night I have no idea why she is still invited

sadwidow28 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:35:43

I would go to DH's b/day celebration (and expect K to be there). But I would practice some 'put-downs' or phrases beforehand in case they are needed, so that you don't let your mouth just 'explode'.

"Oh, you're not going to start that silly nonsense again are you?" <smile>

"Can I just squeeze in there? Thanks."

Also, your DH has clearly put her in her place, so if she over-steps again, he can simply stand-up and move closer to you. Or he can practice saying "Behave yourself!" and his looks of disdain.

TenForward82 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:40:12

I guess she wants to make you blow up so that you can look unreasonable? Or maybe she's just putting you down to make you feel shitty because she wants your life? Either way, don't let her get to you.

MammaTJ Sun 09-Aug-15 15:41:48

I would go and let her make a total fool of herself yet again! Laugh at how stupid she is being.

Maybe even start joking with others about it, rather than confront her. There is more than one way to skin a cat! wink horrible saying but very apt

FeckTheMagicDragon Sun 09-Aug-15 15:42:30

It sounds like she has a crush on your DP, got drunk and made a complete tit of herself. Do not let her stop you from going on your DPs birthday bash. Talk to him before hand to make sure you both are ready to say 'stop the nonsense or leave'

shirleybasseyslovechild Sun 09-Aug-15 15:49:28

was she drunk on the ear biting night?
let it go .
it's not a big deal

avocadotoast Sun 09-Aug-15 16:00:53

Oh you should definitely still go.

I understand where you're coming from though. It's not a matter of not trusting your DP but more feeling weirded out and uncomfortable because of this woman. I've been in a similar situation before and it's not nice.

I think, if you can, it's best to rise above it. She's the one making a fool of herself. And if she brings up the really personal stuff again, could you just say something like "I'm not really in the mood to talk about this tonight - can we not?", polite but firm, and hopefully she'll get the point! (Though she sounds pretty obtuse so maybe not...)

YUDOTHIS Sun 09-Aug-15 16:20:07

Shirley- No, she was driving home so only had two half pints in about 6 or 7hrs. as good as sober.
The thing is with K she doesn't seem to get stuff, either that or she ignores anything remotely tactful or compassionate. when one of the other female employees got pregnant K's response was "aw i'm sorry to hear that".. to a married woman with a decent career in her 30's... * facepalm * I've never much liked her myself, she's rude, loud and offensive. when i was pregnant with DD we went out for lunch at a local pub, saw K and a few work friends and K hadn't seen DP in a while due to her shifts not coinciding with when he was in their work. K said "well you're looking well! and yudo well you're just pregnant!" what i'm trying to say is other than why i dislike her she just doesn't seem to draw the line between what you think and what you say ;S

sadwidow28 Sun 09-Aug-15 18:37:47

I think your last post has hit the nail on the head. K sounds as if she is socially inept

Most of us know how to:

- start up an appropriate conversation;
- establish and maintain social boundaries (including physical touching);
- balance listening with talking;
- display behaviour that is suitable in a variety of social or professional settings;
- avoid distressing, hurtful topics (or we can discuss them empathetically and kindly).

We learn how to monitor and evaluate our behaviour etc as we are growing up - from parents and others around us. We were taught with glares and short, sharp words:

- Behave!
- Don't do that! It's rude.
- That's not on!
- What do you think you're doing?

I think that K must have missed this lesson for some reason and she doesn't have an 'off' switch on her tongue or self-monitoring button. That's not your fault - but would explain the bizarre, unacceptable behaviour she currently displays. I would get ready with the phrases you need to give her the necessary social lessons she needs to learn at this late stage in her life.

Vatersay Mon 10-Aug-15 01:21:44

Speak to your DH in advance and agree with him how to deal with this.

It would be best if he shuts her down, which he can do, very easily.

RJnomore Mon 10-Aug-15 01:28:39

Wow. Em that's not on is it. You've done nosy wrongs

ToastedOrFresh Mon 10-Aug-15 01:52:57

I see lack of social boundaries from her tbh.

Also, because she likes your husband, she wants to be buddies with you. I wonder does she have any friends ? She should be grown up enough to see you and your husband as individuals.

She likes your husband and believes him to be a good manager, but she seems overly fond of him too. However, living with him, as you know, is a different kettle of fish. She's only seeing his good side out. If you don't mind me saying.

I think my husband is the opposite. When he's had staff to manage, I suspect he takes a firm line. I want to be able to say to them, 'no, he's alright really !' But then I think, well, they don't see his soft side because he doesn't go home to them.

anonymousforever Mon 10-Aug-15 03:42:34

K bit his ear. I would not even bite my own husband's ear grin YANBU to feel uncomfortable. I think you should go to party and you and your DH stay away from here like the plague. Make it as obvious a freeze out as required and do not go to the loo or out for a ciggie without a chaperone. Enjoy your evening.

Mermaidhair Mon 10-Aug-15 05:52:01

I think it is up to your dh to have a private word with her. Let her know her behaviour is inappropriate and embarrassing. If your dh won't, then if it was me I would call her myself.

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