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To think I should've been asked about GF & DF's ashes?

(7 Posts)
Lollirot Sun 09-Aug-15 14:38:43

My GF died a few months ago and my DF shortly before him. They were both cremated and I chose with my DB and DS where to scatter my DF's ashes. They were scattered all together as it was his belief (and my own) that if the ashes aren't all together you cannot rest peacefully (we're not religious but both myself and my DF are quite spiritual).

Him and my GF (his F) were never very close, in fact he suffered years of mental abuse from his F as a child that really affected his mental well being his whole life. I wasn't especially close to my GF either but helped as much as I could after he died and spent a lot of time dealing with his personal things to help my relatives.

During that time it was never mentioned to me that they intended on scattering some of my GF's ashes with my DF. Nobody asked my opinion of this (bearing in mind their relationship). I also feel that this is something my DF would have disliked, essentially being stuck with a man who caused him a lot of pain and upset. I understand that in a public place I have no right to say who can do what but this hurt me deeply. I feel that my place to go when I need to feel close to my DF has been taken from me.

Aside from with my DF, my relatives went on to scatter my GF in another 15 places...I find this excessive but respect their decisions. AIBU to think that they should've asked how me and my siblings felt about his ashes being scattered with our DF first?

Spartans Sun 09-Aug-15 14:48:56

It depends on who the relatives are?

EastMidsMummy Sun 09-Aug-15 14:49:34

Sorry about your loss.

In the circumstances, it would have helped you if some of your grandfather's ashes were not near your father's, but I'm not sure your relatives would have known that. As you say, it's not a conventional religious belief or one I've heard before. I don't think they were being unreasonable to decide themselves where they scattered their own relatives ashes.

Lollirot Sun 09-Aug-15 15:11:07

The relatives were my Uncle and Aunts (my DF's Brother and Sisters).

Spartans Sun 09-Aug-15 15:52:50

So relatives close to your df.

did they just get out your gf ashes and scatter them at the same time?

I don't think you are entirely being unreasonable, but I don't think they were either. I presume they thought it was a nice thing to leave a part of their dad with their brother.

Also your spiritual belief, it's quite unusual. I don't mean that in a bad way.
From their point of view As you are scattering ashes, they don't remain in one place, and having part of your gf there doesn't mean that your df is displaced iyswim. I am not saying you are wrong in your belief at all. Just that they may not understand it as you do.

Also they can scatter their fathers ashes as they wish, I suppose.

Is this quite recent? It maybe that at the moment you are grieving and soon it won't feel as bad. flowers

sadwidow28 Sun 09-Aug-15 15:58:10

I have scattered my DF ashes, my DH's ashes, and 2 x DB's ashes. I haven't heard about the spiritual belief about keeping the ashes together, but I respect your view.

Out of a huge family, I am the only one who wanted to do the scattering because I wanted to be with them to the very end. But I discussed with those who I felt should be part of the decision-making. I certainly didn't discuss with my nieces and nephews where I should scatter my DF. I only discussed that with my own siblings and my DM.

My DF went first and when a DB died years later, I scattered him in Dad's spot.

My other DB told me exactly where he wanted to be scattered and I drove 150 miles to that place.

I scattered my DH's ashes in 3 places so that I always had part of him around me.

Don't let your GF's scattering take away anything from your DF's special place. If it is a public place then there may be several lots of ashes (strangers) who are also there, keeping your DF company in his spiritual life. You also don't know whether there is a time for reconcilliation and forgiveness in the after-life and perhaps your DF and GF have been able to make their peace.

I am sorry for your loss and truly understand the process of grieving. If you allow your hurt to continue, you will punish yourself for the rest of your life-time and will not make peace with your very sad loss.

Can you go to the special place and speak to your DF in your mind to see if you can reconcile yourself and accept that what is done is done?

Lollirot Sun 09-Aug-15 16:34:40

My DF passed away last November, my GF in April. The ashes weren't scattered together no, on two separate occasions.

How it happened was we collected my GF's ashes (I was asked along to do this and to be involved in the scattering of the ashes) we scattered some with his DSister and some on his DM and DF's grave. We got in the car and I assume we are going home as I was already aware that my Aunties, Uncle and a few cousins were holding onto some of my GF's ashes. We pulled up to where my DF was scattered...this was the first I knew about it. Prior to that day I had spent 5 days with my Aunt and Uncle, cleaning and emptying my GFs flat, speaking with funeral directors and cleaning his DM and DF's grave ready for his ashes. At no point over those 5 days did they mention that they planned to scatter some of the ashes with my DF...

I understand that my belief is quite unusual, it's just the way I was raised as my DM thinks the same. I am in no way religious, very agnostic if anything but this is something that both my DM and DF discussed on so many occasions that it's stuck with me I suppose.

I don't disagree with my GF being scattered in more than one place, that was never a decision I was interested in making. Just that given the amount of time we had all spent together surely they could have mentioned it? Although it has hurt me I don't feel that I would have ever objected to their decision to scatter my GF with my DF.

I had never thought of the possibility of them reconciling in some sort of after life, sadwidow. Thank you for that, I find that idea really comforting.

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