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Raging argument, who's right?

(228 Posts)
LegoComplex Sat 08-Aug-15 17:20:13

Massive argument with DP, apparently I'm the jealous, wierd, no mates asshole who's dragging him down and not letting him enjoy life.

He sprung on me a couple of weeks ago he wanted to do a bbq with a mate over, this turned into 3 mates from work, bear in mind these are older builder blokes i've never met. Because i'm worried about it i'm being unreasonable apparently, but i have no idea how to host these things, I told him i'm 22 i havn't had kids and suddenly i can host big dos. I have a 5yr old bfing a 3 month old and found the last one incredibly stressful it was basically blokes round the barbecure turning meat and i was left with everything else to prep and 2 strange kids to watch as well. i was really an anxious wreck and couldn't even eat.

Then today we have a nice time at a festival for a couple of hours, he says we should go back tomorrow. That's be nice i thought have a picnic and me and him could chat and listen to music and enjoy the baby. Next thing i know he's ringing up all his mates trying to get them along.

Apparently i should be making friends with them and letting him live. Well i told him don't let us drag you down i can have a great time on my own with my kids if we're too boring for him.

To be quite frank i find these men intimidating. DP's making me feel like a complete wierdo, i socialise just generally with mums who i have lots in common with.

MQv2 Sat 08-Aug-15 17:23:46

Yeah from what you've provided it's you who's BU

He's suggested two fairly normal and nonconfrontational things (a BBQ with a few other people and having friends meet you at a festival) and you've turned into "well
Fuck you if we're not fun enough for you"

It seems bonkers

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 08-Aug-15 17:23:50

Do these mates have partners? Why do you find them intimidating?

I don't really 'host' BBQs. People put meat on fire and I provide beer, corn and salad. Job's done. And let them look after their own children...

I do think you sound a little overly anxious about your DP haivng his mates over for a BBQ.

EeyoresTail Sat 08-Aug-15 17:24:13

Don't go. Let him have fun with his mates if that is what he wants to do.
With regards the bbq, if he wants to have one he can do all the organisation and prep! You've got a baby to look after!

formerbabe Sat 08-Aug-15 17:25:24

Why do you find these men intimidating op? Do they bring their wives/girlfriends along? Why do you need to cook/host?

Unexpected Sat 08-Aug-15 17:27:45

Having three friends around does not constitute hosting a "big do". Why does your DP's friends being older and builders create a problem? On the face of it, yes you are being unreasonable. What is so awful about attending a festival with friends? Yes, they may be your DP's friends now but they will never become your friends if you refuse to even meet them.

guiltynetter Sat 08-Aug-15 17:28:19

I think YABU! they are just normal, friendly things to do? can you invite some of your friends too then it'll be relaxed? from the start of your post I thought he was taking the piss but he isn't!

Dynomite Sat 08-Aug-15 17:28:48

Yabu for 2 things: 1)he's suggesting very normal activities; 2)you're doing too much; they're his mates. If DP has his friends over, I help but he does the bulk of it. I wouldn't run around after everyone, nor would I do any childcare.

Nonnainglese Sat 08-Aug-15 17:29:41

Bbqs are male territory, so let him host it, do the cooking and the clearing up. Perhaps he wants his friends to meet you and his family, hardly grounds for a blazing row IMO. If you find them intimidating then just sit in the background or ask a couple of your friends too.

TurnOverTheTv Sat 08-Aug-15 17:30:03

You do sound very anxious, it's only 3 people for a BBQ not a big 'do'

BolshierAyraStark Sat 08-Aug-15 17:30:51

I think YABU, these are relatively normal things to do & itseems you're creating issues for the sake of it.

KungFuhrer Sat 08-Aug-15 17:30:53


chickenfuckingpox Sat 08-Aug-15 17:33:19

a bunch of men with no women? i would find that a little out of my depth to be honest where are there partners?

sounds like he is aggressively trying to make/force you to socialise instead of easing you into it

not really fair to be given an ultimatum how would he like it if you kicked off right back and told him he is being aggressive rude and unthinking towards you he is exaggerating your insecurities into "flaws" and trying to shame you into stepping outside your comfort zone not fair imho

Hygge Sat 08-Aug-15 17:33:32

If you haven't had kids who do the five year old and the breastfeeding baby belong to?

Are they his kids from a previous relationship?

Why is he not taking care of them?

Any why is he leaving you to host instead of helping you get to know his friends.

LegoComplex Sat 08-Aug-15 17:34:51

i don't know if they have partners, i'm only 22 so wives added would heap a ton more pressure on me. I know it's NOT a big do but it IS for me! I have no idea what I'm doing! how do you do these things? last time i cocked up here there and everywhere, i'm breastfeeding too so would worry about that.

They're intimidating because they're all older men, i have no idea how to speak to them and have nothing in common with them.. but DP keeps jumping these things on me behind my back and it's just raising my anxiety big time. I don't have pnd anymore but when i did i couldn't cope with change of scenarios and things going wrong and this is getting me very worried.

LegoComplex Sat 08-Aug-15 17:35:52

maybe i am BU then i'm not a particularly sociable person, and i have been feeling very insecure lately about myself and DP acting differently confused

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 08-Aug-15 17:36:27

I think YABU.
3 friends is not 'hosting a big do'. it sounds like he wants to include you in his social life, which is generally a nice thing!

pictish Sat 08-Aug-15 17:36:44

I'd have to agree that on the surface of it, yabu. It is normal to invite a few friends over for a bbq - this does not constitute a 'big do' that you need to be fretting over hosting. It's as informal and easy as it gets.

Inviting friends to meet you at a festival is not snubbing you either. It's a social event!

You seem offended by him wanting to invite his friends to his house and to join him at social events. I'm not sure why.

LegoComplex Sat 08-Aug-15 17:36:45

i do have kids they're with dp one 5yr old and a 3 month old

Dynomite Sat 08-Aug-15 17:37:04

So go inside, sit with the baby and let him entertain his mates.

VodkaValiumLattePlease Sat 08-Aug-15 17:37:23

You sound like a major drag, you're 'only' 22? So you can cant speak to men of wives?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 08-Aug-15 17:38:40

im only 22

22 isn't that young! Are you generally an anxious person? How old is your partner?
What do you mean by how do you do these things? If we host a BBQ we buy some meat, prepare some salads, but some booze, stick it all on a table and let people get on with it! There really isn't much more to it than that.

LegoComplex Sat 08-Aug-15 17:39:03

i'm not offended i'm just anxious and a bit hurt, not by a "snub" just obviously we have different ideas. i thought he'd like to do something just us 3 seeing as he works all week and then he's ringing everyone up, and alcohol involved

Hygge Sat 08-Aug-15 17:39:12

And a group of older men and no women around, while you look after someone's kids and try to host for them all really sounds like a men's piss up with you doing all the work, rather than a social occasion you might enjoy.

YANBU for complaining about that.

Oswin Sat 08-Aug-15 17:39:44

Tell him if he wants a bbq he can organise it. His mates so he can do the cooking and running round. You are nbu op. I get where your coming from. Its horrible when people insist you have to do something that makes you so anxious you feel sick.
It might help if you get to just sit back and chat. No running round, just relaxing.

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