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AIBU to feel so guilty about not being a guarantor?

(41 Posts)
horsewalksintoabar Sat 08-Aug-15 08:58:30

Did I even spell guarantor right? :-)
I hired a cleaner through an agency for almost a year. Nice girl. Not a brilliant cleaner but I felt kind of sorry for her. Her life was a shambles and often she would burst into tears about her love life and we'd talk over a cup of tea. Part of me felt stressed by her arrival on a Wednesday because I wanted her to just crack on with the cleaning. Often she wouldn't finish because we'd spent too much time talking. My fault. I should have nipped it in the bud. But you know, there's a lady in floods of tears while Viakal works its magic on the sink. I became a source of support.
So she left a month ago to move to another city with a fellow she'd fallen in love with. She gave notice, cried boatloads of tears, I gave her final pay plus a bonus and said farewell.
I recently got a message saying she'd left the fellow, come back to London and needed someplace to live very short term (it would have been about 2 weeks). I declined. I have a full house and my husband looked at me like I was mad. Even I thought I was mad to consider. But guilt overcame me. Anyway, she did not stay with us.
Two days ago, she informed me that she now has a place. Great. But she asked if I could be her guarantor. I swiftly declined. But I feel very guilty, mainly because I know how hard starting over again is. But still, I thought this was a big ask. She sent a lovely message telling me that's ok, she understands, but if I need a cleaner, she is available.
Now I feel awful because I definitely want some distance from this woman, but I don't want to be a complete jerk.
The thing is, I feel so guilty!! I should have been more helpful. The message I gave this lady is that I am helpful and kind. But in practice, I have proven not to be and I feel awful about this.

Madlizzy Sat 08-Aug-15 09:00:06

You owe her nothing. Sounds like she sees you as a bit of a soft touch.

chippednailvarnish Sat 08-Aug-15 09:01:22

Yep, she thinks your a soft touch.

tobysmum77 Sat 08-Aug-15 09:02:17

hmmm yanbu being a guarantor is a massive undertaking. I would only consider it for someone really close.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Sat 08-Aug-15 09:02:25

There is no way I would!
Just explain that it's nothing personal, but you are not in a position financially, to be able to help.

twirlypoo Sat 08-Aug-15 09:03:11

Gosh! She's being a bit full on - please don't feel guilty, she's asking too much.... And I would say that you found a replacement cleaner when she left but you wish her well and are sure she will be fully booked up again in no time thanks

listsandbudgets Sat 08-Aug-15 09:04:36

YANBU. I agreed to be a gaurantor to a long standing friend and he's dropped me in many hundreds of pounds of sh*t. Its a huge ask and something you should only do for close friends and family you can be sure you trust. This lady does not sound like she falls into that category. After my experience I wouldnt' do it again usless for siblings or immediate family.

Don't feel guilty. You have no obligation to her at all. I don't think I'd reemploy her either.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 08-Aug-15 09:05:23

You did the right things.

Don't feel bad, you were very nice and understanding when she worked for you.

SanityClause Sat 08-Aug-15 09:08:14

Being a guarantor is a huge financial commitment. She could just never pay any rent at all, and you would be liable.

I am not saying she would do this, but she could.

Being a shoulder to cry on is a helpful and kind thing to do. You don't have to do all the helpful and kind things.

You could suggest she gets in touch with the likes of Shelter, to find out what her options are.

ilovelamp82 Sat 08-Aug-15 09:08:17

Don't feel bad. My Dad wouldn't be a guarantor for me when I moved out of home 17 years ago. To me, that is wrong and I would always help my kids.

But she is not your child! She is not even a close friend. You can't put yourself or your family at financial risk for a relative stranger. Do not feel bad.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 08-Aug-15 09:08:35

No way, don't feel guilty. Id only be a guarantor for dc. It's too much of a risk. The fact the landlord wants a guarantor surely shows that they're nervous that the rent won't be paid?

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Sat 08-Aug-15 09:09:14

No way should you have agreed with this, you did the right thing.

ladyrosy Sat 08-Aug-15 09:13:54

FIL asked my DP to be his guarantor and we said no. I think YANBU to say no to someone you are not close to who is bad with money.

FIL's rent was £1600pm, we were expecting DC1, DP was on a temporary contract, plus we are saving for our wedding - we are not heartless but FIL was taking the piss to ask.

myusernamewastaken Sat 08-Aug-15 09:17:00

I would never be a guarantor for anybody (not even my kids)....way too risky...if my kids needed help i would help them with one off payments....I also think this lady would have taken advantage of you x

horsewalksintoabar Sat 08-Aug-15 09:33:48

Thanks a million for your supportive replies!! I think my guilt stems from my inner-judgy voice too. :-) I kind of worry that I will be messed about. She wasn't the most reliable person in some ways. I just don't know her at all, really. What I picked up on her throughout the year was that her life crises came flying at her fast and furiously... and were sort of self-driven... lots of drama, lots of problems with men, loads of heartache. I just worry that her lifestyle, being a bit unstable, would come back to bite me if I were guarantor. I've been on that tough financial road when I was young, but you crack on with life and get it together at a certain point. She's pushing 40 and she's not from here originally, so my worry is that she could take off and foot me with a large bill. :-( Thanks again for the great advice.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 08-Aug-15 09:39:01

Yanbu at all, yes she does see you as a soft touch, and I would greatly distance myself from this woman, let alone be a guarantor for her. That is a massive responsibility if she does not pay her rent or mortgage, you are responsible for it, no thanks. No I would have nothing more to do with her.

BlueThursday Sat 08-Aug-15 09:54:19

Who's to say she wouldn't find another man and do a moonlight flit leaving you with the rent to pay?

Just not worth it

DaveMinion Sat 08-Aug-15 10:11:08

Not unreasonable at all. We needed a guarantor to move to a new house. We couldn't ask anyone and they were family so are staying where we are. If I was desperate in that I needed somewhere to live I don't know what I would do. It's a huge ask.

Reignbeau Sat 08-Aug-15 10:13:59

I'd have said no too, don't feel guilty. She sounds like she is the flaky type and would leave you with her mess to sort out.

Collaborate Sat 08-Aug-15 10:39:28

Being guarantor could make you liable for thousands (and she sounds a bit flaky anyway).

Say she signs up for a 12 month tenancy at £1000 a month. Pays the first month but nothing thereafter. The LL will target you for the remaining £11,000 (or more if he has to evict her and she overstays the 12 months).

mimishimmi Sat 08-Aug-15 11:16:11

Just say no! You already know she's flaky.

gamerchick Sat 08-Aug-15 11:21:53

Sounds like you're doing everything right. Some people with drama filled lives need to be kept at arms length as its all too easy to get dragged into it.

wonkylegs Sat 08-Aug-15 11:45:30

Are you my MIL she gets dragged into the lives of various waifs and strays that's she picks up in life (her cleaner being one of them) and feels guilty if she can't help them - it never ever ends well. She has a very kind heart but I think her help is misdirected. I recently directed her to helping through a charity and that seems to be working better.

Aussiemum78 Sat 08-Aug-15 11:51:34

Nope, she's a flake.

The most I'd offer her would be a cup of coffee, if you like her. But I think you just felt sorry for her.

Constant tears and drama at 40? I couldn't stand it.

ImperialBlether Sat 08-Aug-15 11:55:34

I thought she was really young! What were you thinking of, listening to her dramas when she should have been cleaning? And then she just left when her time was up? You must be mad - the whole point is that she was there to do the cleaning!

You did the right thing refusing to act as guarantor. As PPs have said you could have ended up paying her rent for months. She was very cheeky to ask you.

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