PIL advice?(26 Posts)
This is my first thread asking for help (a long time lurker), but often follow mumsnetters sound ideas!
Myself and DP have bought a house jointly 18 months ago and have slowly been renovating it. My folks have helped out when they can (both work) financially and practically every now and again. PIL not bought or offered a single thing in 18 months. Everything is more or less done, just painting and carpeting!
I am now pregnant with my 1st (currently on mat leave) and they suddenly want to 'help' before the baby arrives.
PIL are retired and live a distance away, but they have completely taken over my house and life this week! As I'm on maternity, I've had to spend all day with them on my own and I'm starting to suffer!
I bought branded paint on offer: FIL refused point blank to use it. I went out and bought the paint he requested (more expensive).
Insisted on adding primer (I'd prepped already before they arrived), specific, rollers, brushes etc the ones I have weren't good enough.
Insisted I didn't buy enough paint, sent me to buy more, when he's not even gone thru 1/2 of the first batch yet....
Insisted that I'd been ripped off when I mentioned the cost of the extras, claimed prices had changed. I'm buying from a large chain.....
Both PIL faff about all day, while asking/being made sandwiches, tea etc when DP gets home from his work,he 'working'/painting with them until after midnight, before a full day's work the next day.
MIL 'helps' by making dinner, and creating a bombsite in my lovely new kitchen which she never cleans up.
Comments on how I'm 'not eating enough' that I'm 'small' are really starting to wind me up too...have been called 'tea lady' 'waterboy' 'best sandwich maker' all week.....
I am at the end of my tether, I'm not sure how to handle them. I am normally chilled by nature and can let things pass over, and normally ignore comments - we usually see them for a weekend/couple of days at a time - but they've been here a week, with 4 more days to go! HELP
The worst thing is - I could have painted everything myself at half the cost by now! And chilled out during my precious maternity leave.....
DP knackered, and can only sympathise with me at 1am/2am in the morning...He gets it, 'I know they are annoying', 'we should have got decorators in.... but utimately just says 'hang on' until next week!!
I know NEVER to have them over longer than 2 days when the baby gets here - but I am in desperate need of advice for the few days - any tips on how to cope/what to do?
I have been seriously practicing my yoga breathing. I leave the house for an hour or 2 a day as well to swim/walk/clear my head.
Any other suggestions out there? Lying in bed atm dreading the day ahead......
(Sorry - this post is much longer than I ever intended!!!)
Could you go stay with a friend for a couple of days under the pretence that she's having some sort of emergency?
Go out. Tell them you have a midwife appointment and take yourself off shopping for the baby. Treat yourself to lunch. Go to the cinema. Take the day off and enjoy x
I can see how the paint thing would be annoying alright but other than that I think your being over sensitive, sorry. Best tea maker and the the like is something I woukd be called by my Dad as a joke in the same situation, i just couldn't even contemplate taking offense. Your mil cooking dinner is surely helpful, how long after eating are you giving her to clean the kitchen? Are you sure your not just getting impatient and jumping in to do it? Surely she's still saving you/dh a job by cooking?
They aren't your parents so its always going to be harder as your more likely to feel like you can't say things or do things around pil that you could with your own. Are you sure it's not a case of you resent them for doing/giving less than your parents all along and now they can't do right for doing wrong?
Tell them to go home now.
And don't let them boss you about anymore!
Sound advice from LokiBear .
Get a plan and boundaries in place with DH before next visit.
Why on earth did you buy new paint? What did your DP say about that?
I would be grabing a brush (and I've done renovating whilst 8months pregnant) and saying 'right, enough tea breaks let's get a wriggle on and get this finished by tomorrow, I need my home back'.
WRT the kitchen being left a mess I would say 'no ones needs to cook tonight, we will get a takeaway/ go out to eat' if there is an objection you should cook yourself and let your DP clear up.
YABU though to mention what your parents have paid for/ done, you aren't entitled to anything off your inlaws because your parents splashed the cash/ helped although I get that the differences between the some sets of parents probably heightens your annoyance.
Certainly don't buy any more decorating materials you hadn't budgeted for. Your house, your choice, innit.
Contact a friend and spend the day out having lunch/shopping. All those things would piss me off too. I'm 33 weeks and have a really short fuse atm so can relate.
Your DH is the problem, he needs to address the issues with them. However, you also need to stop letting them tell you what to do, like buying them expensive paint.
They sound like my in-laws. Don't make the mistake I did and let them have a key.
First time posting as felt compelled to respond.
I have full sympathy bit I also think you're letting them take over by pandering to their demand for supplies. If you don't want to use other paint, don't buy it.
Also you're meant to be taking it easy before baby comes - trust me, you'll never get this time back so make it your own. Get up and say you're going out and do what LokiBear suggests.
It's really annoying about the paint and bits, but it's done now. Just chalk it down to experience and gently stand your ground next time (and suggest they pay for it if they want it so badly!).
Your DH should be having a word about leaving a mess in the kitchen.
As for spending the next 4 days with them, I agree on getting out even more. Perhaps take that advice from your midwife that you need to exercise/swim each day
eat cake in the local café with a friend
The comments would annoy me too and I'm not pregnant (I was very irritable during pregnancy). You've done well not to bite! I think I'd be delivering their refreshments with some very PA comments and very gritted teeth.
Agree with Trunki- "right then, let's get this done so we can get the house back to normal" grab a brush, take charge "No FIL, I see where you're coming from but I just want to get it done now" "it's Ok MIL, DH and I will get a take away tonight, save having to clean the kitchen"
Or do what I did in a very similar situation and cry quietly in your bedroom
Your DH doesn't "get it" at all. He is appeasing you - and them.
He is fence sitting.
I know his holidays are precious and you would probably prefer he had them after the baby is born, but would a long weekend break the back of it, so that they could go home?
Also, without being nosy, have you considered the financial set up? Do you intend to go back to work after mat leave? If not, remember being a SAHP can be very precarious financially, particularly for an unmarried parent. (No need to answer that, by the way - but do consider it!)
Head out, take a bath, visit friends til dp comes home. PIL are being bossy when you need to relax. Tell them you have a migrain and go to bed.
Why didn't you just get on and paint it yourself when FIL refused to use the paint you'd bought?
I don't understand this thread. If you're capable of painting yourself and had already got the paint then if your house guests don't want to help you paint (or do it for you as it sounds as though FIL did most of it) then why buy new stuff you can't afford so they do help rather than just getting on with it yourself?
You can't blame FIL. You changed your plan and keep buying him the stuff he asks for. If you don't want different paint/ extra paint don't buy it and wait until they've gone to paint or paint it yourself.
FIL can refuse to paint with the equipment you provide. You can refuse to buy him the stuff he wants. It's your house and money, start behaving as though it's your house. It's no good caving in then whinging.
Take charge and just keep reminding yourself that they will be gone soon.
I sympathise but also think you need to assert yourself a little. It's your house so your rules. Always with a smile of course. The paint is done now but with tidying tea etc etc just say 'can you make it please? I've just sat down/got comfy etc' 'right, we're in a state. I'll fill the dishwasher, you do the sides'.
At least you know now. One night post baby is all the visit you'll need. Plus, you can have all your 'we need skin to skin time so I'll pop upstairs for half an hour' excuses for some peace and quiet ready. Also, seeing as forearmed is forewarned, when people visit once baby is born 'to help', make them do just that. Remember, holding your baby while you run yourself ragged is not helping
You bought the paint, you bought the extras, you stand there and let them ramble on, you make them tea and sandwiches, you let them make a mess and not clean up.....people only walk all over you when you lie down and let them. Stop it. Try saying NO once in a while.
It's good to get some perspective and other opinions - some answers are SO obvious when you stand back and get some perspective.
I have organised to stay and hang out with my cousin until Tuesday (they leave Wednesday) - and let them get on with it. I can clear up in one go when they leave instead of everyday atm.
I have to leave my own home to get peace and quiet, but I am lucky that the support is there!
I mentioned my own parents as they have taken an interest, and helped out. PIL have not taken a blind bit of interest in 18 months - so to have to take their opinions on board all week has been galling.
And I WAS whingeing - I think I needed to get it off my chest this morning. I was getting wound up after a pregnancy-insomnia sleepness night, and couldn't see what to do! I thought it would be easier to let them do things 'their way' (I thought this would make my life easier). WRONG! Pregnancy can make your mind confused sometimes! Strangely am I quite assertive and organised at work with a plan B in place all the time (believe it or not). I'll approach PIL it like a work project now on (sigh) - wouldn't it be nice just to relax and be yourself with family?
PIL will never be your own, being 'frank' and 'yourself' with them is for another thread.
Anyway, their NEXT visit here will be very structured, even if it is short (I normally would just wouldn't let it bother me) - lessons definitely learned for the future.
....... and the paint work isn't even tidy......
My inner cynic is waiting for them to pack up and leave with all the leftover paint you've been forced to buy and all the new tools as "you already had some after all" or some such bollocks. I am very very cynical though.
It's great that you have somewhere to go.
I find my Ils really hard to get on with.
The thought of more than a day on my own with them...
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