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...to wonder if life these days has lost It's shine, it is it just me?

(73 Posts)
DangerGrouse Fri 07-Aug-15 21:32:49

I'm 37 and single. I have a two year old. I live an uneventful middle class existence on the south coast. I'm a part time nurse. I'm single by choice. I'm not sure if these things are relevant, probably. I don't have depression and I never have had.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has this nagging feeling that when you hit 30 life just feels a bit 'meh'?
So here's an example. I went today to an absolutely gorgeous national trust park with two of my close friends. They also have toddlers. We were there for about three hours. I just kept thinking "I'm not enjoying this". Why?! I was in a beautiful place with lovely friends and my lovely daughter and I was bored senseless. I drove home feeling so sad as if that doesn't make me happy, what will?
I went camping a month ago. Didn't enjoy it. Picnic on the downs. Felt nothing.
Spent the day at the beach, nothing.
Went to a kite festival with my friends, i couldn't wait to leave.
When I was a kid and a teenager and even a young adult loads of things were really fun. I enjoyed my friends, activities, days out, things felt brilliant and seemed so simple.
What the fuck happened? I can't remember the last time I was genuinely, genuinely happy. You know, that fizzy brained feeling of feeling brilliant about life. I had it loads in my 20's. When I turned 30 it's just all vanished. I didn't get pregnant until I was 34 so that didn't particularly make me feel this way. I wish I felt excited and happy about my life with my daughter, I'm not particularly. She's great, but I don't 'enjoy' life with her. I just trudge through it. I've a really good sense of humour and I find things funny, and I can easily make people laugh so I'm not some joyless old hag. I just don't feel 'it' in my heart.
Does anyone else (who isn't depressed) just feel a bit 'meh' about life and think it's lost it's shine? Is it my age? How do I make myself enjoy things again? Is it even possible? Should I join a choir?!? Get laid?! Mindfulness?! I'm taking St. John's wort and fish oils. No avail. God I don't know. I just want to feel joy in my heart again!!
Anyone else know what I mean?

TheHouseOnBellSt Fri 07-Aug-15 21:42:48

It does indeed sound like you have depression OP. flowers feeling nothing is part of some forms.

It's not how it should be. You should see the GP.

AuntyMag10 Fri 07-Aug-15 21:44:49

Sorry op you do sound like you are depressed. Maybe see your gp about this as you should be enjoying the things you've described.

Paddingtonthebear Fri 07-Aug-15 21:46:46

It's a little bit of your age and the daily grind. But, to find no joy in anything, I think you are unhappier than you realise. I would see the GP.

Ouchbloodyouch Fri 07-Aug-15 21:50:07

I feel like you. I have a lovely boyfriend. My business is booming. I'm going on holiday soon. My financial situation isn't as bleak as it was. I've been depressed. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything.
I feel guilty for saying this. When I was broke last year I wanted to be in better financial shape. Then I could have a holiday. When my then partner and I broke up I hoped I would meet someone nice..
I've 'achieved' these things. I'm just ungrateful. ??

Getthewonderwebout Fri 07-Aug-15 21:50:55

I'm not one for armchair diagnosis but you have described very classic signs of depression.

Make that first step and book yourself an appt with your GP.

You won't always feel like this, but do accept you need a little something to help. Never feel ashamed, it's perfectly "normal" but do make that first move.

trashcanjunkie Fri 07-Aug-15 21:52:25

How do you have the surety you aren't depressed?

For arguments sake, let's go with not depressed....

What do you think would bring you joy? Not should iyswim?

BabCNesbitt Fri 07-Aug-15 21:54:02

It's one of the warning signs for me that I'm sliding back into depression, when I start feeling no pleasure in anything I do or think about doing. Perhaps have a word with your GP?

WhataMistakeaToMakea Fri 07-Aug-15 21:58:26

Op I often feel the same way since Turing 30 - like I can have moments of joy/laughter but generally everything is just meh and I'm going through the motions. I suddenly realised this is 'it". Now after reading this I'm quite worried I / we are depressed!

annandale Fri 07-Aug-15 21:59:10

It's easy to give it a name - anhedonia. Depression is a very likely reason.

It is at least possible, though, that some of it is because you have a two-year-old and are tired. Lots of people hate the toddler phase, it is hard bloody work. It's also possible that you want to do different things and that is why you're not enjoying the things you are doing. I would definitely talk to your GP though.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary Fri 07-Aug-15 22:07:08

Are you looking after your spirit, OP?

Are you searching for some kind of meaning to life that religion/a belief system might help you with? Perhaps explore that.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles Fri 07-Aug-15 22:13:59

Losing joy and feeling numb can be symptoms of depression so it is worth double checking with your GP that you are not. The problem when you haven't had depression before is that it only occurs to you to consider depression when things are quite bad and worse than you describe. You may have started the downward spiral and are not aware.
If it is the early stages of depression, you may catch it in time and avoid the darker and darkest clouds. It is worth ruling it out for sure if you are still not convinced.
I don't know what flicks your switch, but I've forced myself to 'feel' in the times I've had depression usually by doing something scary to bring on an adrenaline rush, like roller coasters, rock climbing, ridiculously high abseil etc. or maybe go and see a high energy pop or rock band in concert. If you are into the arts, would seeing an orchestra, opera or ballet move you?
If you still feel nothing after doing something that would normally stir your emotions then you must visit your GP.

I wish you all the best for finding joy again.

Werksallhourz Fri 07-Aug-15 22:21:07

YANBU.

I know what you mean. I am pretty much in the same boat. I have only just realised this week that the reason why I used to drink so much in the evening was because I was, fundamentally, bored and unfulfilled, and the drink helped me to ignore this truth. My life consisted of work and not much else, and finances were tight.

I am starting to get some clarity about it though. Somewhere along the line, I stopped being "me" and somehow started living life in a very conformist and parochial way. I was okay doing this, I wasn't depressed, but I was just existing rather than living.

I don't have any clear answers but I do have a few ideas as to how this sort of thing comes about. In our culture, from the moment we are born, each year brings a new experience and a sense of progression. There is always something different round the corner. Learning to speak and walk, going to playgroup for the first time, then starting school where every year means going up a class with a new room and teacher, then going to secondary school where, every twelve months, things change -- for some people that do degrees, this structured academic change, newness and "progression" lasts until they are in their early 20s.

Then there is the first job, the first serious boyfriend, the first flat or house-share, the first child etc ... but you can get to the point in your 30s when that sort of natural progression and change stops happening. Nothing new automatically appears on the horizon. Everything is as it is. Life can come to feel almost static.

I reckon this is where these types of feelings appear. After all, we have been trained throughout our youth to expect newness or change every twelve months, and when it stops happening, well, I think it can really throw us off.

You mention "trudging" and I think that is very telling because it suggests you are stuck and it could be that you feel stuck because nothing is changing in your life, nothing is new anymore. Everything is the same, day after day, month after month, and it feels mundane on a very basic level. Maybe you felt exhilarated in your youth because you were experiencing things for the first time?

Maybe you need to experience something for the first time again to crack these feelings?

Jcandy Fri 07-Aug-15 22:24:19

I'd say that happiness is a state of mind rather than a feeling. Do you spend your time thinking will I enjoy this? am I enjoying this? should I be feeling more? It sounds like you are expecting not to enjoy anything and having negative thoughts or at least not positive thoughts. Go into something thinking I will enjoy this, and continue the positivity whilst your there (isn't this scenario beautiful, it is amazing to see my child enjoy themselves) even if you don't feel it straight away, the more you do it the more it will feel real.

Also why are you so certain it isn't depression?

PoundingTheStreets Fri 07-Aug-15 22:39:04

I live an uneventful middle class existence

I think there's your problem. You sound fundamentally bored and unfulfilled to me. It is time for something new and exciting which will make you feel passionate again, whether it's a new hobby jumping out of aeroplanes or something less energetic like art. Whatever it is, it needs to involve a challenge for you to work towards I think.

Good luck. flowers

blueshoes Fri 07-Aug-15 22:48:37

I agree with Werks. It sounds like you might be feeling stale and trapped with nothing new to look forward to. Looking after a toddler is particularly diabolical. I know the trudging feeling and putting one foot in front of the other.

I found myself again after my youngest was 5. My mojo came back. I did not do anything different.

mariposa10 Fri 07-Aug-15 23:01:21

I don't think you're necessarily depressed. I don't enjoy national trust gardens with friends who have babies. I can't think of anything more boring. You need to do stuff you enjoy. Hobbies, interests that spark your enthusiasm and make your brain work. You're not aspiring to anything so of course it's boring. No one wants to coast along but it takes an effort to not just be a mother every day and put yourself second to someone else. Put yourself first for a change.

Runnaway Sat 08-Aug-15 07:53:37

Agree with PPs who say it might not necessarily be depression. When depressed I woukd have struggled to go to a picnic!

You sound either bored or an over-thinker. I am a massive over-thinker and because if this I find some occasions hard! E.g. I love the run up to Christmas, but I often find Christmas Day pretty dull. I watch my lovely dds open their presents and think "Why do I feel nothing?"! Then I feel bad!!! Often other people seen to feel more than me! I am off on my hols imminently and have lost track of the "Are you excited?" questions! I'm not really. It's pretty hard work packing etc. But I am sure I will enjoy it when I get there in my own way!

Just feel what you feel. These days out maybe weren't your thing and that's ok!! Find stuff you do enjoy and don't feel bad about not permanently being in a state of delirium about life. Try and look for the small joy in little things instead.

Allgunsblazing Sat 08-Aug-15 08:50:58

OP, I know what you mean.
Nothing like having a look at your CPD file and deciding you could do with another post grad module to keep you on your toes! Alleviates most boredom!

Do you happen to live in a village? Do you think you miss the city? I would give my right arm to be able to pop down to the art gallery for an evening opening with DD. Or cycle to the movies. My day after 7 pm is inexistent.
Running? Your DD is still small, you could run with a buggy. Mine is old enough to be left home alone.
Book club?
Watch some TED talks to engage a bit?
I was very very lucky to get a circle of friends with similar aged children, but more importantly, we ignored them all in unison, we had coffees/wine/exhibition visits, always with the kids in tow, but always expecting them to entertain themselves. We started when they were 2.

tobysmum77 Sat 08-Aug-15 08:57:05

I think op that at about 30 we realise that life is tough. It isn't all about fun but is actually a daily grind to provide for self/ look after children often leaving you exhausted and without much energy for anything else. It is a bit of a shock ime.

I deal with it by cherishing it when I do find myself having fun rather than expecting life to be fun all the time.

Shockers Sat 08-Aug-15 09:01:41

Before you go to the GP, just try this. Get some Berocca from Boots (tablet, not effervescent-that has aspartame in it) and a book on mindfulness.

At one point, I was so numb to life, I actually couldn't see the point in carrying on. These two things are how I began to reclaim my joy... honestly!

I also agree with Allguns about letting the children 'get on with it' to a certain extent. It's hard work being a grown up with valid views when you stop talking/thinking every time your child says 'mummy'.

chanie44 Sat 08-Aug-15 09:13:05

Werks is spot on.

I remember feeling somewhat unfilled after I went back to work from my first maternity leave. I felt grounded down by life - literally going to work to pay the bills and I was too exhausted to do anything at weekends.

I think having 'me' time is important and use it do something that you enjoy eg reading or baking. I Do this when the children are asleep.

I think having a two year old can be difficult for a number of reasons eg it's a challenging age, childcare costs, but it won't last forever. My ds is 3 in a couple of weeks and I can see the end in sight.

I guess you need to find your own happiness.

CharlesRyder Sat 08-Aug-15 09:24:14

Your post has just really given me something to think about Werks. Thank you flowers

AliceScarlett Sat 08-Aug-15 09:37:57

It might be worth thinking about what your values are. Something like this: sourcesofinsight.com/finding-your-values/

Then find things to do that fit with/work with/go towards those.

romeomorningwhisky Sat 08-Aug-15 09:39:08

I don't think you sound depressed either.

Maybe "skunnered"
Bit fed up / bored.

I'm single, 33, have a 2 year old & I get a bit meh quite often.

Not in ideal job, tired, money tight, toddlers = terrorists.

I train 4-5x a week & I would lose the plot altogether otherwise.
It gets me out, I see people & I can just be me for a few hours a week.

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