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to not tell DH I'm pregnant?

(28 Posts)
thebirthlyhallows Fri 07-Aug-15 16:53:11

Currently trying to conceive DC2.

When we found out I was expecting our first DC DH and I agreed that we would wait until the first scan at 12 weeks before telling anyone else. To be fair I may have told him that's what we were doing and he just agreed.

A week after we find out he told everyone in the pub. I was six weeks at this point.

I had to spend the next day running round telling parents, siblings, grandparents etc before they heard it from someone else. It was not as nice as I wanted it to be.

Fast forward to now. Would I be unreasonable to not tell DH until the day of the first scan? I want to make sure baby is ok and healthy before telling everyone.

I'm not even pregnant again yet.

Fully prepared to be told I am unreasonable.

Fluffy24 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:56:19

I think YABU but I can't quite put my finger on/communicate why...

I supposed is his baby too and to exclude him from the Circle of Trust so he doesn't find out before anyone else is a bit rough. I supposed it depends if you think he'll mind or if there a risk he'll feel quite hurt?

ilovelamp82 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:57:49

I don't see any reason why not. But if you are trying to concieve, will he not ask you at some point? Would you lie to him?

I couldn't have got away with that purely because I puked none stop from 7 till 12 weeks. Bit of a giveaway.

Bubblesinthesummer Fri 07-Aug-15 16:58:19

I think YABU. It is his baby too.

To not tell him until your first scan would be really unfair. I would also be wondering what else you would keep from me.

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 07-Aug-15 16:59:09

Yanbu.

It's your body you get to disclose stuff about it to whom you want when you want no matter who they are

mrsatkinson Fri 07-Aug-15 16:59:53

He was thoughtless to your wishes last time, I wouldn't feel too bad for his wishes this/next time... it might teach him to respect your wishes and keep his mouth shut. I don't think YABU, though I would maybe tell him before your scan, 10 weeks maybe and insist he is not to tell ANYONE.

Reginafalangie Fri 07-Aug-15 17:03:52

Instead of spending this time before you conceive thinking of how to deceive your DH why not spend the time talking to him instead?

Explain what stress he caused you last time. Yes he was excited but how would he have felt having to go back and tell everyone in the pub the sad news if something had happened.

If waiting 12 weeks is what you both decide then he needs to understand you are trusting him to stick to it and you will be disappointed if he breaks that trust.

Hope the BFP happens soon op flowers

OTheHugeManatee Fri 07-Aug-15 17:05:54

I think YABU though I understand your irritation at his blabbing against your wishes.

coffeenowalnuts Fri 07-Aug-15 17:08:03

Yes, it's his baby too, but he was quite happy to BU and go against her (very sensible) wishes.

But telling him the day before the scan could be a bit iffy, unless you frame it as a major positive surprise. Is he likely to be sensitive about it?

OTheHugeManatee Fri 07-Aug-15 17:10:19

FWIW I think it's a shame people keep pregnancy secret for fear of MC. I miscarried recently having told a few people (we had early scans due to an ectopic scare and couldn't avoid some people finding out) and actually I was glad of the support and kindness rather than finding it worse telling people the sad news.

If we'd kept it to ourselves it would have been far harder to cope with. I wish people generally felt able to be more open about MC. That said of course it's your body and your pregnancy so obviously it's up to you.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Fri 07-Aug-15 17:10:23

what regina said

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:11:15

Yabu.

It's his baby too, and if he wants to tell people about his child he should be able to.

I can't think of an equivalent example the other way round, but if I were your Dh and you didn't tell me, especially for that reason, it would take me a long time to forgive you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:12:08

Good post regina

WayneRooneysHair Fri 07-Aug-15 17:12:59

If I was your DH and you did this to me I'd be pissed off.

Reginafalangie Fri 07-Aug-15 17:13:30

Aww fanks blush

LiegeAndLief Fri 07-Aug-15 17:13:31

I would be really impressed if you can hide the fact you are pregnant from your own husband for (probably) at least 6 weeks.

Don't think you should do it, but would still be impressed.

Totality22 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:19:33

Aside from the practicalities - IE can he just drip everything to go to a scan? 8 too find something really "off" about it and I'm not sure what.

I guess for me early pregnancy is such a tense time (I've had 4 miscarriages - and have 2 DC) that it would be weird for my OH not to know? In fact for most of my pregnancies he has been the one and only person to know.

I've always been so excited / scared with every BFP I've struggled to keep it from OH until he got home from work [mere hours!] so I have no idea how I'd keep it quiet for months.

Different situations of course and I do understand you not wanting to tell him due to him being a bit of a blabber mouth but I think there is a huge difference between excited Dad blurting the news out versus pregnant mother purposely keeping it from Dad for months.

Totality22 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:20:55

Maybe "months'" is a bit of an exaggeration!!! But it could well be 8 weeks between BFP and dating scan!!! Which technically is months lol.

thebirthlyhallows Fri 07-Aug-15 17:20:55

Thank you for your replies.

I think it would be cruel to not tell him. I don't think I could keep it from him.

I will of course tell him when the time comes.

I did explain at the time that I was worried about miscarriage but I may have been a bit too hysterical. We didn't discuss the fact he had told people early very much as it upset me to talk about it.

I have mentioned it recently and hope that he will go along with it this time as he saw how upset it made me.

I was a bit more hormonal than usual.

CrystalMcPistol Fri 07-Aug-15 17:26:49

Congratulations but YABU.

He sounds like a terrible blabber mouth but I don't think it's right to conceal this from him. Just tell him in no uncertain terms (channel your most sinister inner Will Defoe/Harvey Keitel bad ass) to keep it to himself!

Andrewofgg Fri 07-Aug-15 17:29:53

Tell him at once but tell him that if breathes a bloody word this time you'll use a kitchen knife so there won't be a third.

And good luck and flowers

TheClacksAreDown Fri 07-Aug-15 17:31:47

He sounds like someone who assumed a positive pregnancy test automatically means a healthy baby will be coming home 8 months later. Which is sweet by naive.

You might want to scare him a little by showing him figures for miscarriage rate in the first trimester and rates of issues picked up at the 12 week scan so he can understand that you're not being a killjoy but that there are real risks involved and that you'd find it deeply upsetting if he told people early and then something happened, which it could.

Andrewofgg Fri 07-Aug-15 17:44:48

Yes, I can put myself in his excited first-time-father shoes - it was not easy keeping it to myself until we agreed to go public!

thebirthlyhallows Fri 07-Aug-15 17:57:21

I know he was just too excited to keep it to himself. We had made the mistake of letting people know we were trying when faced with the question "when are you going to have kids then" so he said he couldn't lie when asked in the pub

MammaTJ Fri 07-Aug-15 18:07:07

As a first time Granny, who knew well before the 12 weeks scan, it was a hard secret to keep but not my secret so that helped! I only told people who did not know DD

Looking at the situation where he told every one, would keeping him off the alcohol help keep his lips a little less loose?

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