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AIBU To never speak to this man ever again

(50 Posts)
derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 10:54:21

My dad has died this morning. He has been in hospital for two weeks for end of life care. In the past few months his neighbour has been his carer. I have been up at the family home for weeks on and off. The HV advised me that it was no longer possible for him to be cared for at home. The NDN said that I was putting him in the hospital to die.

Petridish Fri 07-Aug-15 10:56:00

So sorry thanksthanksthanks

Your neighbour is a rude and cruel pratt.

MummaGiles Fri 07-Aug-15 10:57:07

So sorry for your loss. That is an awful thing for the NDN to say and if you don't want to speak to them then don't but I'm sure everyone's emotions were (and still are) running very high. Keep some space between you for now but never say never.

GloGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 11:00:09

Emotions running high indeed. After the care your NDN has shown your DF, try not to fall out with him.

Give yourself some space and try not to deal with him for now flowers

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:02:02

Thanks Petri. I think you're right Mumma, emotions do run high at these times. I'm posting on MN to get reasoned impartial advice.

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Aug-15 11:04:29

I'm so sorry your dad died.

flowers for you.

Was there a financial reason why his neighbour wanted him to stay at home? He was really cruel to say that to you. The fact was your poor dad was going to die anyway and if hospital was the best place for him, then that's where he had to go. Horrible, horrible thing for him to say to you.

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:13:11

Yes Imperial. My dad was dishing out cheques willy nilly (He was 92 and quite muddled. Over a 9 month period, he gave the NDN £10.000.

limitedperiodonly Fri 07-Aug-15 11:14:50

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Try to ignore what the neighbour said. People often say or think these things, particularly if they're elderly. Some people fear being put in 'a home' to die and feel it is a family's duty to care until the end. That sometimes works out but the reality is that many people are more comfortable in hospital. But you can't shake people of that idea.

You did exactly the right thing. Your dad could have suffered if you had tried to soldier on with him at home or letting the neighbour care for him, especially if he or she is elderly and can't do practical tasks such as turning and washing or administering drugs.

In the event, your dad got much better practical care than you could give him. Your job was to love him, which I'm sure you did.

I hope he had a good death - IYSWIM. Be kind to yourself flowers

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:18:50

My dad was 92. The NDN is fit and in his sixties. Thanks for advice limited
Dx

limitedperiodonly Fri 07-Aug-15 11:20:21

Oh, just read your post about the money. Did the neighbour give it back?

Maybe they did, but other people aren't as honest and they have a sixth sense for vulnerable people.

It's not just about the money. Someone like your dad can't be trusted to be safe at home. My dad was like yours but 20 years younger and he had my mum around to protect and care for him. Caring for him at home to the end exhausted her though.

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:23:29

No he didn't give the money back and I don't expect him to.

Micah Fri 07-Aug-15 11:24:50

Does he have strong beliefs/wishes to die at home?

Many people want to die at home rather than in a hospital. Some believe admission to hospital "to die" means being left in a hospital bed largely ignored by staff and family. Family "offloading" rather than doing the caring themselves. Not saying that's what you did, every circumstance and disease path is different. But I know my mums generation often see hospital EOL care that way.

Home care might be your NDN choice, and his belief that it is "better" is projecting on to your dad and your choice.

Wait till things are less raw. If you believe he's stolen from a non-competent elderly man though you should seek legal advice.

Sorry about your dad.

limitedperiodonly Fri 07-Aug-15 11:30:10

Oh God. I've lost all sympathy. I was imagining that maybe the neighbour was a close friend of the same generation. He's not and 60ish is not old and muddled.

Never speak to him again. Call the police if you feel up to it. IME the police take that sort of abuse very seriously, probably because they have to deal with it all the time.

ImperialBlether was very on-the-ball to zero in on that.

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:30:31

I know Micah. My dad did want to die at home but he had so many infirmities. The hospital was a small cottage hospital just 5 minutes down the road with brilliant staff. It meant that I could spend a quiet hour or so with him every day. I don't believe the NDN stole but as my dad said, 'He likes the money!'

debbriana Fri 07-Aug-15 11:30:53

I see where your coming from but at the same time I understand your ndn. My dp was so scared of his mother ending up in hospital that they had panics every now and then. The fear that they were not strong enough to cope with the hospital environment. The stemmed from the mother not trusting hospitals and having a phobia of sleeping in hospitals.
The worst thing was that when she did go into hospital she didn't come back and that hasn't made his life easy. He blames himself even though his mother was 86.
Maybe not talk to the ndn now but don't deny him funerals if they want to. It may help with closure for them too for them.

wafflyversatile Fri 07-Aug-15 11:32:00

He's been so caring over months and a lot of people hate the idea of dying in hospital even when it's for the best . He's a connection to your dad too. I would have a rant on here and not fall out with him.

wafflyversatile Fri 07-Aug-15 11:34:07

Missed the money post, but think my post still stands.

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 11:38:32

debbriana I won't deny anyone going to the funeral. It will likely be a massive turnout. However I don't know what to say at the funeral to him.
That is the nub of it. I've left him a message on his answering phone to inform him of the death.
waffly He's not a connection to my dad. There are hundreds of people here who symbolise that connection more than him. He's been endlessly rude to me over the past months. My dad was a farmer and the NDN was strutting about as if he owned the place. He has looked after my dad and for that I am grateful.

Rowgtfc72 Fri 07-Aug-15 11:43:27

flowers
My dad died in hospital this time last year. I knew he was safe there but its not where he wanted to be. Dads next door neighbour is just home from hospital and really shouldn't be there, she isn't safe. The older generation have a fear of hospitals.
You know you did the best for your dad, neighbour knows he did the best for your dad. I would be polite with him and not fall out.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd Fri 07-Aug-15 11:45:26

flowersflowersflowers

If my dad would give that much money to neighbour, I'd be taking said neighbour to court.

FarFromAnyRoad Fri 07-Aug-15 11:55:04

Sorry for your sad loss OP - difficult time for you flowers

I am in absolute agreement with the good LadyCuntington. Please think carefully about this - or get some impartial advice. Not now - you have enough to think about - but later.

dodobookends Fri 07-Aug-15 12:20:20

So sorry for your loss.

Does the NDN have a key to your dad's house? If so, I would be getting it back pronto.

debbriana Fri 07-Aug-15 12:23:03

If you have I formed him that is enough really on your side. Whether he comes or not that is his problem. You don't have to talk to him.
Based on your last post I hope he didn't make your dad change the will to suit him.

I don't know how you can deal with money he has taken.

From thinking about this again. I can see my family and dp family if we were in a similar position ignoring him. It's like thinking about whit would be morally right with what would be beneficial. To your family keeping him out sounds like it would be best.

derxa Fri 07-Aug-15 12:26:22

Row flowers Sorry for your loss. It's a difficult time and a mixture of emotions.
LadyCuntington and dodo I'm not worried about the money it's the fact that he made my life so difficult.

GloGirl Fri 07-Aug-15 12:27:14

If you can, arrange someone to meet a locksmith at the house and get all the important paperwork out and change the locks. ASAP.

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