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to expect childcare to be DCs fathers issue on his weekends?

(101 Posts)
writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 09:36:26

This is going to be long. I am furious. I need help. I've Nc for this as paranoid I'll be recognised.

I've got 2 DCs with my ex, aged 5 and 6. I've also got another DC aged 1 with my DP.

Ex has been pretty rubbish at contact ever since we split up four years ago, and it's just not getting any better at all. Initially the agreement was EOW and 1 night in the week as that seemed standard. He does sometimes work at weekends and in the evenings but when we were together it was all in his control � and not that frequent. The excuses started coming thick and fast within months of the split, that he was "working" and so couldn't have them. At one stage he was having them probably less than a quarter of the times he was supposed to letting me down both with lots of notice or with very short notice.

He then added to the complexity by moving away and so agreed to have them just one weekend per month as the weekdays were no longer feasible and his "work commitments" meant he needed to cut down on weekends. He has stuck to this for about six months and I was happy with it as at least it was predictable, stable contact, but it's his weekend this coming weekend and he's emailed this morning to let me know he can't have them as he apparently agreed to work ages and didn't realise the clash.....

I have plans this weekend to go to a wedding on the other side of the country with my DP. I am paying a friend (who is also a nanny) to have DC1 from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. She has 3 children of her own and so I can't ask her to also have the two older DC (not to mention I haven't got the money to pay for them as well). I have nobody else to ask, my DM died last year and my DF would not manage on his own with such a young baby. My DPs parents live quite a long way away and would probably help usually (with plenty of notice) but they're currently on holiday.

I am going to have to miss the wedding aren't I. I am so hugely angry I feel like I might explode. There is never a single time that HE has to organise his life around the children because he just dumps them on me. How on earth is this allowed or fair or moral? I love my children to bits of course I do but why is it that he doesn't have to take any responsibility and I have to take it all? I work full time and have to organise childcare for them and stuff, I emailed back that he would need to find suitable childcare for them this weekend as I had plans and he replied that it was my problem to sort not his.

I am literally apoplectic with rage. It's nothing that he hasn't done a thousand times before and he's impacted on my plans so many before but I've just accepted it and cancelled them, or made other arrangements but this time he's really taken the biscuit. I've paid for a new dress, hotel room etc. in preparation but more than that I was so looking forward to it.

And the fact is there is NOTHING I can do. We don't have a court agreement for contact and even if we did I can't make him show up. I just have to suck it up.

I am so mad I am crying angry tears. AIBU? I genuinely don't know? I don't feel as if I am but as the resident parent should I not expect that I can ever plan anything? Is this what it�s like for other people?

BathtimeFunkster Fri 07-Aug-15 09:42:53


He is not really a father.

scribblegirl Fri 07-Aug-15 09:47:31


I can't think of a solution for this weekend but perhaps it is time for a court order for future situations like this.

Is it a child free wedding? Any chance at all you could take the DCs, provide food for them and just retire to the hotel room early? Not that you should have to of course.

StregaNona Fri 07-Aug-15 09:48:42


Would it work to have the kids in the hotel room with a sitter there? I have done that before, I used

Absolutely not that you should have to, but trying to salvage some of your weekend.

MythicalKings Fri 07-Aug-15 09:49:41

YANBU. Tell him you'll have to drop them off because you have plans and he will have to sort childcare.

rookiemere Fri 07-Aug-15 09:50:28

That sounds absolutely rotten. This may be a bad idea, but even though DP's parents are away is it worth letting them know what is happening. They might be disappointed to have such a worthless son and encourage him to buck up his ideas.

rookiemere Fri 07-Aug-15 09:51:31

Sorry just realised it might be your current partner's parents that you are talking about, not your Exs.

What a knob.

98percentchocolate Fri 07-Aug-15 09:52:57

YANBU and actually, I think it may well be time to get a court agreement in place. It may be expensive but it'll force him to either be a proper part of your DCs lives or else will give him the opportunity to bow out (which, to be honest is what it sounds like he wants to do, sorry op).
Wrt this weekend, I don't blame you being angry and actually I would send him the bloody bill. He can pay for it out of those wages! Tell him it isn't your problem that he can't look at a diary and that as it was his contact weekend, it is actually his responsibility to sort it, not yours. Can you take the children over to his as planned and then carry on to the wedding?
This may all be terrible advice of course but it's what I would do anyway.

CerealEater Fri 07-Aug-15 09:53:46

Can they not got with you? If it's child free can the bride not make an exception? Who knows the bride, can one not stay with the children and the person who is friends/related attend the wedding?

Your ex is flaky with contact due to work commitments so I would have either ensured he could stick to the date or have made back up plans for you both.

Dumping the children expression is harsh, they are your children not some random strangers.

TendonQueen Fri 07-Aug-15 09:54:35

I've used for a wedding. You'd have to ring them if you haven't used them before but you could get sorted. Would any school friends be able to take them?

He is, as above, not a real father to them. Awful behaviour. Does he do pick up? Wonder if you could at least give him a a jolt by saying 'I'm driving over to drop them at yours and then it WILL be your problem, you feckless chump!'

EeyoresTail Fri 07-Aug-15 09:57:05

Could your DF not look after the older 2 and the youngest go with the original plan?

MidniteScribbler Fri 07-Aug-15 09:57:24

Any chance you could take the kids to the wedding if you called the bride or groom and asked? Even if they sat in the corner with colouring books/ipads and amused themselves. You could take a lunchbox with food and snacks so it wouldn't cost the bride and groom.

I know it's not what you planned, but their father is a dick and isn't going to step up, so you need to consider what your alternate plan is.

LineRunner Fri 07-Aug-15 09:57:26

This is exactly how my ExH was and it's fucking horrendous that they can do stuff like this. No court order is enforceable that will make them stick to agreed contact. My ExH still makes it up as he goes along.

All I can say is, it gets better as the children get older.


BettyCatKitten Fri 07-Aug-15 10:01:28

Yanbu, he sounds like a self centred knob.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain Fri 07-Aug-15 10:03:43

What a complete selfish twat of a man.

cashewnutty Fri 07-Aug-15 10:07:31

OP doesn't need to be sorting out a babysitter. OP has to tell ex-twat the DC are his responsibility this weekend and he can sort out /pay childcare for them as she has plans and can't keep them.

Op - tell him the arrangements for him to have the DC still stand and he can sort it out.

writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 10:08:25

Thanks everyone, I'm actually really relieved to hear that I'm not being U. The sitters idea is a good one, we do use them sometimes anyway and although it's a child free wedding it doesn't start until 4pm so not a huge amount of time to sort childcare for before bedtime. I'll look into it, feel hopeful I might be able to go.

Dropping them off is something I have considered but it could turn nasty and probably not fair to subject them to that sort of thing.

I've also considered a court order but won't that just cost me money and achieve nothing if he doesn't have to stick to it?

Cerealeater - please don't pick me up on my expression. I've not done anything wrong here and look after the children virtually the whole time with total happiness. I just don't see that it's fair for their father to not have to lift a finger unless it suits him.

writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 10:09:42

cashewnutty - I have done that, but he just says no. What can I do?

rookiemere Fri 07-Aug-15 10:14:41

I'm glad that you're still hoping to go OP.

I'd certainly present him with the sitters bill, it seems fair enough that he should at least pay that, seeing as he is bailing on his parental duties. Although you may want to jazz it up a bit more nicely to have a chance of him coughing up.

No OP, in answer to your original question, it's not in the least moral or right that he is able to do this.

everyonesfriend Fri 07-Aug-15 10:17:27

how "brave" are you ?(im not being goady)

what i mean is would you drop them to his work and just leave i had to do this as my ex was taking the piss and it was affecting my work (nearly lost my job )

i just dropped them at his work and told him if he didnt have them then he would need a court order to see them as i wasnt being messed around anymore
i also had the mantiance card to pull as he wasnt paying any so i informed him id be making a claim for him not having them anytime so he would have to pay an awfull lot out of his mega wages

he stuttered and splutted for few seconds but he realised he had to have them or i would have made him go to court as the kids wernt items he can pick and drop when he felt like it (they used to ask why had daddy not come again

since that day iv never had a problem , it turned out he wasnt working after all but had a new gf who didnt have kids so wanted to go out on weekends, she dumped him that weekend as he didnt stand up to me pmsl

coffeenowalnuts Fri 07-Aug-15 10:20:08

Dumping the children expression is harsh, they are your children not some random strangers

Isn't it such a shame we can't send you off to remind their father of that, CerealEater?

I'd be interested to know if he knew you had special plans OP - because that would suggest there's an extra level of cuntery to all this.

writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 10:27:45

I'm quite brave, but his work moves all around the place so I wouldn't know where to drop them. I could try to drop them at his home but he may not be there and they would ask what's going on, it just doesn't sound ideal but yes I would like to do something like that.

I have seriously considered telling him he needs a court order but I don't believe he'd get one so then the children would be the ones to be hurt.

If I presented him with a sitters bill he'd just laugh in my face, I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction.

writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 10:30:25

Did he know I had plans - I don't think so although we do still have a couple of mutual acquaintances so it's possible. If he didn't know then he will certainly be delighted to have caused me a problem. He is a tosser of the highest order.

ElementaryMyDearWatson Fri 07-Aug-15 10:45:43

Despite his likely reaction, I suggest you respond saying you have other plans that you can't change and ask him to confirm he will pay for child care.

writingsonthewall Fri 07-Aug-15 11:10:46

I sent him a text and said that Elementary - his response is below:-

Pay for your own babysitter.

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