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AIBU to post here for help ? Really need some advice ...

(31 Posts)
TrofeeWife99 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midnightvelvetPart2 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:09:17

I think you may be a little harsh, taking away the bear is a bit too far imo.

She's 5. She's still very small & yes I would expect her to have a rudimentary sense of what is right & wrong, particularly when you have talked about it. But a 5 year is likely to say all sorts of things without thinking them through first, particularly is the word 'dumb' is tossed around by her peers at school & becomes a word that she frequently hears. She may have said it, then realised you wouldn't like it, panicked when you had heard & tried to cover it up. All very normal for a 5 year old.

TrofeeWife99 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:13:35

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OwlinaTree Thu 06-Aug-15 09:15:58

Try to take away the chance for her to lie. In this instance you could say 'I heard you call your sister dumb. That's not kind. Apologise to your sister'. This takes away the chance for her to lie, she would probably apologise and then it's dealt with. Lying is horrible, but remember small children are doing it to save themselves from trouble, it doesn't have the adult meaning attached to it. Good luck.

cestlavielife Thu 06-Aug-15 09:18:48

she is just five. save harsh punishments for major issues... you shouldnt lose your cool because she lied to you over telling her sister she was dumb...taking away her bear is nasty on your part... she is still little and working out the ways of the world.

try and focus on role play games in a calmer moment to explain lying and why it is wrong.

what has happened recently? is it lack of routine of school? any other issues?

tempestinateapot Thu 06-Aug-15 09:20:19

Please don't take away her bear. You'll be depriving her of something she's presumably extremely attached to, and you could end up upsetting her far more than is necessary for a bit of bad behaviour.

She's 5 - and it's probably a phase (and not that unusual, either). Owl's suggestion is good - taking away the opportunity to lie might be a good way to go about it.

Sandbrook Thu 06-Aug-15 09:23:36

I agree with Owlina. Lying at 5 has a different context to lying as a teenager/adult.
I found my then 5 year old grew out of it, either she realised it was wrong or seen my displeasure, or a mixture of both.
My 12 yo on the other hand gets into far more trouble for lying, similar to the punishment you give your 5 yo.
At 5 she may not grasp the full meaning yet and by not giving her the option to lie when you witness something she has done gives you the opportunity to handle that instead of adding another layer unnecessarily.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 06-Aug-15 09:27:28

I agree shes lying for protection. Explain that her sister may start lying just to get her into trouble as she the known liar ... i see that happen a lot.

00100001 Thu 06-Aug-15 09:27:41

basically, don't do the whole "what did you just say?" angle, they know they said something wrong and would be really really reluctant to repeat it.

Just like you would if confronted. Imagine it was you who said something like "For fuck's sake" and your DD said "what did you just say?"

You'd possibly reply either

"I said, "for fudge's sake" or "I said a rude word, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry"

Either way you probably wouldn't repeat the word, because you knew it was wrong.

So, as owl said, take the lying opportunity away by just approaching the situation differently. In a sense, she didn't lie, she just didn't tell the whole truth iyswim? Then when she is really lying about something big, you can make a bigger deal out of it and say "we don't lie" etc

LokiBear Thu 06-Aug-15 09:28:27

You need to organise an opportunity for her to give an honest answer to you and then praise her to the hilt. Or allow her to see her sister telling the truth, be showered with praise and then bring her in on it. EG, 'dd1, are those your toys on the floor?' If she says yes, 'thank you for telling me the truth, I'm so proud of you, because you told me the truth um going to help you clear them up, come on, let's do it together.' Follow with cuddles. If she says no, IGNORE the lie. Ask dd instead - are these dd1's toys? When she says yes, shower with praise as above, then ask dd1 again, calmly, as if you misheard the first time - are these your toys, then, dd1? When she says yes, shower with praise and help her to pick them up. Praise every time your DD's are honest about something. Point out when they have told the truth and show them how happy it makes you. It will work so much better than punishments. You will avoid the inevitable power struggle and guilt feelings when you end up punishing her and she cries. Move on from this mornings incident now and work on praising honesty throughout the day. Good luck.

TrofeeWife99 Thu 06-Aug-15 10:04:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fizzielove Thu 06-Aug-15 10:13:35

We had some issues with DS 1 he seemed to think that there would be no consequences. He was warned we would take away ALL his toys. (Except his fav bear!) it was a complete shock when we did this and his behaviour improved dramatically after this and has remained good. Just to add he was 4 coming 5 when had to do this. He then had to earn his toys back with good behaviour! It sounds harsh but it worked in our house!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 06-Aug-15 10:17:10

Nothing wrong in high expectations. You just need clear boundries. Have a think about punishments ... like time out in her room... but dont esculate it harshly. And try and stay calm. In the scheme of things its not a big deal, so being calm will help her speak to you. When u get cross she doesnt know what will happen next as you jump from time out to loss of bear. So therefore cant choose which way to go... if you understand!!!!

ReginaFelangi Thu 06-Aug-15 10:17:18

Is she between 5 and 5.5 or between 5.5 and 6?

Lying is a really important thing for humans to learn to do. We couldn't have survived this long without it. Don't be too harsh on her.

ReginaFelangi Thu 06-Aug-15 10:18:27

Am I the only one who seems to get this wrong or forget theIt ages and expect more

I think pretty much every parent does.

FirstWeTakeManhattan Thu 06-Aug-15 10:18:47

My DS did this at 5 - lying about loads of stuff. It upset me and drove me bonkers. Someone told me that intelligent kids experiment with telling lies to make me feel better and that's he'd grow out of it.

He has, he's six now, and though we get the odd one, he has got the message that telling lies gets you into trouble, and telling the truth is vital.

LokiBear Thu 06-Aug-15 10:24:04

You are not alone, OP. I'm a teacher, so sometimes I worry that I expect way more from dd and need to reign myself in. I can handle a class of Year 9 boys, teaching them Drama, without breaking a sweat. One 4 year old girl ties me in knots. I'd really encourage you to try the praise approach. It really works - both in the classroom and at home. I am, by no means, the perfect parent. However, I have massively improved my parenting with this approach. I don't mind admitting that what instigated me to change my approach was when I lost my temper during one of her tantrums and I smacked her on the leg. Not hard, but enough to shock and upset my dd and enough to make me hate myself more than I thought possible. I don't believe in hitting. I control groups of teenagers without shouting or hitting - why the hell did I think that would work on my daughter? Anyway, positive reinforcement and praise works.

FirstWeTakeManhattan Thu 06-Aug-15 10:25:49

Someone told me that intelligent kids experiment with telling lies to make me feel better and that's he'd grow out of it

Disclaimer. If your children have never told a lie in their lives, then I am not saying they are not intelligent. The comment was a throwaway line from a kind friend listening to me fretting, clearly not intended to draw a line in the sand about kids intelligence.

Aye, I know how these things can go sometimes <narrows eyes, flicks them from side to side>

MrsDeVere Thu 06-Aug-15 10:28:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReginaFelangi Thu 06-Aug-15 10:33:13

Don't forget you probably lie to her about lots of things too.

cestlavielife Thu 06-Aug-15 10:34:45

Read up on positive parenting approaches
Praising all good behaviour as per above.
Try today recognising every single thing she does that is good and normal behaviour eg
Nice playing have a sticker
Well done for eating so nicely
Good sitting
I am really happy the eway you helped your sister just now

See today how much good and normal behaviour she shows you .

Hitting is a no we don't hit. Immediately.

You lie right ? Santa claus Thank you for the present (you hate it). Lying and telling mis truths is a part of our culture.. it s more complex than "don't ever lie to me "

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 06-Aug-15 10:36:32

We have been working on one child telling the truth. At the end of term he kicked someone, he came running over and proudly said `i kicked him, and thats the truth` As if he thought we would assume he would lie about it. It was very funny!!

TrofeeWife99 Thu 06-Aug-15 11:21:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Homemadeapplepie Thu 06-Aug-15 15:11:56

I can't stand lying either but my dd has been lying since she could talk-she's now 18 and seems to have grown out of it (apart from some unexplained scratches on the car since she has learned to drive...) . She's a bright girl and over the years we explained over and over about how lying about something you've done is worse than doing the thing itself, if you lie no-one will believe you when you tell the truth etc but she continued to lie about even the most obvious things (eg I found a load of hair, dd with scissors in her hands and half a fringe where previously there had been no fringe, but she claimed she hadn't cut her hair!). What I'm saying is be prepared for a good few years more of lying because truth-telling might not come overnight and there might not be much you can do about it.

ReginaFelangi Thu 06-Aug-15 19:50:35

From the Gesell institute:

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