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Gone NC and Dad invites my 8 year old on holiday

(12 Posts)
suchafuss Wed 05-Aug-15 22:50:33

I went nc 8 weeks ago with my father after realising how controlling and manipulative he has been over the past 10 years. Lots of incidents but the final straw came when we had to take dd out of private school due to funds and he went ballistic and asked what we had done with all the money he had given us. We live a frugal existence, don't go out, drive fancy cars or take expensive holidays, but I gave up work so that I could be a SAHM and the money we have left we are planning on using to pay the mortgage off as we are in our late forties. The decision to be a SAHM was also taken as I have several medical issues and we thought that would be best for us as a family.
He sent me a text on Sunday asking if he and his wife could take DD away for a week and I did not respond. Last night DD was at my sisters house and he phoned to speak to her dc and then asked to speak to DD. Naturally she allowed him to (dd knows nothing about the fall out and sees him so rarely that it makes no difference to her) but during the call he asked her if she wanted to go. My sister spoke to him after and said how he should not have done that, but he had been drinking and was belligerent saying 'well she's my granddaughter' when she explained that this would cause an issue for her in that she had allowed the conversation she was told 'just sort it'.
I am now in the position of having a very upset daughter and although I have explained that it is not appropriate for her to go away with them I still feel like a shit for being the one to say no.
AIBU to think that it is not acceptable behaviour and that if he is unable to have a healthy relationship with me then why should I trust him with my DD?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Wed 05-Aug-15 22:54:31

How old is dd?
What is her relationship like with your dad and his wife?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Wed 05-Aug-15 22:55:14

Sorry, just read she is 8.
Small phone screen.

Horrible situation to put you in. More controlling, manipulative behaviour by your father. I don't believe this was a random act - he knew what he was doing, and probably the alcohol merely fuelled his belligerence. Calculating, too, in knowing that you would in all likelihood say no, and be the bad guy by default. Do you feel you could explain to your DD something of what's gone on & why this was wrong of him?

DoJo Wed 05-Aug-15 23:04:42

I agree that your daughter is old enough for an age-appropriate explanation of why you don't want her to spend time with your dad. YANBU to not want her to spend time with him if he is already trying to manipulate the situation in this way that completely disregards her feelings and is all about him getting his own way at any cost.

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Aug-15 23:10:54

AIBU to think that it is not acceptable behaviour and that if he is unable to have a healthy relationship with me then why should I trust him with my DD?

That sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

He probably shouldn't have mentioned the holiday to your DD but to be honest, if you're not going to act like an adult and give him some sort of reply, I can understand it.

He went ballistic because he feels you're not spending the money he gave you wisely, and you went NC.

Sounds a bit childish to be honest but I expect there's more to it.

Imlookingatboats Wed 05-Aug-15 23:19:23

How much money did he give you?

suchafuss Wed 05-Aug-15 23:26:48

There is lots more to it Worra, he told me in front of a group of people that I did not know that due to my medical condition I should never have children, its diabetes ffs which I felt totally discredited me. Then when she was born she had a medical condition (not related to diabetes in any way) that required her to have extensive surgery and so he said that this was justification for what he had said taking no account of the guilt that any parent carries when there child is ill. Last year my dsis was having a hard time and a disagreement we had resulted in her physically attacking me in front of my DD and her DS. The attack could have blinded me yet he never called to see if I was OK and advised her not to talk to me. These are just a few things, but basically he just makes me feel like crap every time I see him. I didn't reply because that's what is advised when you go no contact. I just want to be left alone.

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Aug-15 23:31:34

Why did you accept a large sum of money from him then?

Surely when you did that, you didn't think it was going to change him as a person?

Also, regarding going NC with him...did you make it clear that you were never going to talk to him again?

To be honest after reading your second post, I can't believe you're simply asking if you're BU due to the stuff in the OP.

He sounds awful. You should never have taken a handout from him though.

suchafuss Wed 05-Aug-15 23:38:37

When he gave us the money he also gave it to my sis and 3 step siblings, this was 10 years ago and shortly before his second wife died. Before then he was a lovely person but then changed. I suspect it is something to do with step-mom who has an awful relationship with her DC and has normalized not seeing his family, the friends he had or using punitive measures against her family, including emptying an account she had opened for her Dgc and giving it to his sibling because he was rude when he visited them. He was 14!

suchafuss Wed 05-Aug-15 23:39:41

And yes I should never have taken the money.

JuneIsBustingOutAllOver Thu 06-Aug-15 00:08:18

Your sister physically attacked you and you've let your daughter go to her house. shock. Please tell me it's not the same sister.

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