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To think this is normal?

(50 Posts)
VioletPenguin Wed 05-Aug-15 14:46:37

We have a 9 month old baby and two teens. My evenings consist of doing dinner, feeding the baby, clearing up after the baby, playing with her then putting her to bed. After that, I'm happy to just have a cup of tea, watch a bit of telly, occasionally have a glass of wine then bed.

My wife works ft but shifts so sometimes she's not home until 9.30pm. Other days she's home all day. She says I am boring, that we never do anything exciting, and this makes her just want to drink and smoke outside for half the evening. She wants to split up because I've asked her to cut back a bit. She doesn't drink large quantities of alcohol, my issue is more with the fact that every night she's just in and out of the back door smoking and I'm bored by myself and I'd like her to limit it to say, 3 nights a week.

Aibu to think that this is what life with a baby is like, but it will get better as the baby gets older? The older two are not mine, so it's my first time having a baby. She's done it twice before. She said she only had this one because I wanted it. Now she's realised she doesn't want the lifestyle of being tied to a baby after all. But when I press her on what she wants to do in the evenings that doesn't consist of standing on the back step smoking, she can't come up with anything. She goes out with her friends occasionally, I don't stop her doing that, and we sometimes have early evening meals out together.

SkatesMcgee Wed 05-Aug-15 14:51:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkatesMcgee Wed 05-Aug-15 14:52:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cuntycowfacemonkey Wed 05-Aug-15 14:55:32

I can see it from both sides. She's done the tied down by a baby routing twice before and probably anticipated more freedom at this stage in her life. I loved it when mine were babies but now they are older there is NOTHING that would persuade me to start it over!

The key is compromise - I think you may have to accept that a cup of tea on the sofa and bed every night isn't what your wife wants from life. Is it possible she has PND?

RoganJosh Wed 05-Aug-15 14:57:09

If she doesn't want to watch TV every night, could you eat dinner together and chat one night a week and play cards and drink wine together another?

PHANTOMnamechanger Wed 05-Aug-15 14:58:41

I think it's possible she has PND, have you talked about it as a possibility? would she speak to the Dr? The thing is, people living with it don't always realise what is happening. DH recently had a LONG time off work with stress & depression. once he had finally agreed to go to the Dr because i was so worried about him, and did a questionaire, he said 'but I thought all those things (eg feeling worthless, insomnia, anxiety etc) were just normal'

VioletPenguin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:00:04

Yes she's out there all evening, smoking through a packet. It's not just a quick fag outside. I asked for a compromise, a few nights in with me and a few nights doing what she wants but she says it is boring.

What do most people with a young baby do that's not boring then? Of an evening, I mean? I know it's not the most exciting life in the world, but it's not forever and surely she knew this when she agreed for me to have a child?

I doubt she has pnd, I had the baby.

fleamadonna Wed 05-Aug-15 15:02:44

you sound a lot like my dp so kudos to you for doing a great job with your dd.

it's really hard to acheive, but you two do need time to enjoy each other's company out of the house. what sort of things did you do before dd arrived?

I often have to encourage dp off the sofa and out of his slippers and down the pub but it does us all good grin

VioletPenguin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:02:55

I suggested evenings playing games, taking the dog for a walk, etc, but she said it's boring.

BarbarianMum Wed 05-Aug-15 15:09:49

Why not ask her what she'd like to do? Most of our evenings are spent as you describe but I do occasionally get restless. We try to go out a bit - for a drink, a meal, to the cinema, to friends, - to break it up a bit. Do you have access to a babysitter at all?

Candlefairy101 Wed 05-Aug-15 15:12:59

Are you my husband �� no I know your not because I don't drink alcohol or smoke BUT I do go outside every night with a cuppa and mumsnet, I'll tell you why...

I am a stay at home mum with a 5 yr and a 1 yr old, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through the boring be purine of day to day caring a cleaning is know I'm gonna get ME time once the children are in bed smile

My husband comes in anytime around 4/6pm and in the time from he gets home to children go to bed we spend our family time together, at the able having dinner and play and bathing the children. Then once there in bed he watches TV with his favourite boxset and I go into the garden, then we go to bed and watch a film that we both enjoy and again this is our time together, no children and just chilling wink

When do you get to spend family time together and time on your own? I would really get my back up if my husband tried to stop my me time in the evenings and I really do look forward to it x

VioletPenguin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:15:37

I asked her what she'd like to do but she makes no suggestions. Any suggestions I make are boring. It's like she's decided that all she wants to do is drink and smoke and nothing is a good enough replacement.

She said she wants to split up because I'm stopping her living the life she wants to live - basically she is choosing smoking over me.

Nabootique Wed 05-Aug-15 15:18:38

You can go and do things and still smoke though.

To be honest, the drinking bit worries me. It sounds like she is using it to cope, or to escape, which is a form of dependence.

VioletPenguin Wed 05-Aug-15 15:18:47

Candlefairy, I'm the one that's home all day with the baby. I don't get time alone, except when she is outside all of evening.

I fully accept she needs time alone, I don't want to stop her doing it every night, but I'd like some company some evenings too.

Goshthatsspicy Wed 05-Aug-15 15:21:07

I think she wants out unfortunately. Like she has had a change of heart.
flowers

SkatesMcgee Wed 05-Aug-15 15:22:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think you should listen to what she's telling you.

If you're honest with yourself, do you think she regrets having a baby at this point?

Of course you want company in the evenings, that's not at all unreasonable. Does she want you to put the baby to bed then sit outside with her all night?
Is there an issue with drink or using substances as a means of escape?

And I agree with GoshthatsSpicy, it does sound like she wants out. I'm sorry.

PHANTOMnamechanger Wed 05-Aug-15 15:30:32

I doubt she has pnd, I had the baby

OMG I am blush at the assumption I made that you were a dad posting this. sorry OP.

That said, it is still possible for the other parent to get PND, dads do get it too. It is a huge lifestyle change having a baby and a lot to adapt to, possibly not holding the excitement for someone who has done it all before and not got the same bio bond to the baby as you do, especailly as you had to talk her into it in the first place.

Be honest (with yourself) was everything 100% ok before the baby, or was this an attempt to help you bond better?

Whatever the ins and outs, a plain honest straighforward no blame heart to heart is called for. If you do not both want the same things from life, it won't work.

paulapompom Wed 05-Aug-15 15:31:40

Would you both considersome rerelationship counseling? She keeps saying she wants something, but not being clear what that is exactly, and you seem to want to sort things but are not sure how. A professional may help you get some clarity.

It sounds like she agreed to the two of you having a child just because you wanted to, and I think that is unfair of her. If she had doubts she needed to speak up at the time.

Do you have friends you talk to, could you socialise with them? How are you feeling after giving birth? flowers

BestZebbie Wed 05-Aug-15 15:34:02

...she sounds about 12 if she is only interested in hanging around smoking and complaining of being bored with no ideas of things she'd rather do....so how about console/online gaming, hanging out with a large group of friends in the park chatting, doing a craft hobby, taking up a class once a week (by herself)? Is it other people's company that she is craving, or 'excitement, adventure and really wild things' that she perceives are passing by outside the house while she is with you? Does she want to go clubbing until 4am or go on a foreign holiday to look forward to?

Garlick Wed 05-Aug-15 15:44:11

Having a young baby puts a massive strain on most relationships, and it sounds like yours is suffering. I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm also backing those who say she sounds depressed - I am, and this is exactly how I behave when I'm heading downwards! It would be best if she went to her GP for a checkup, as she might have PND. Has either of you raised this possibility?

That aside, looking after children all the time is boring. Are there any reasons why you can't get a sitter and take her for a night out? What did you do before the pregnancy?

Also - I hate to say this and I know I am 'wrong', but as an addicted smoker I find it really hard to sit quietly without a fag. She'd probably find it easier to cut down when she's not feeling so bad but, for now, how many ways can you think of to do stuff together and she can smoke?

Garlick Wed 05-Aug-15 15:45:27

Sorry, I missed the recent posts grin

Agree with previous replies.

Finola1step Wed 05-Aug-15 15:48:09

I too think you should listen to what she is saying. She wants out. Maybe for just now, maybe forever. So sit down with her and ask her if she wants a trial separation, a permanent split or to stay together. Talk through how this would work on a practical level.

But may I take this opportunity to remind you that as the primary carer for the younger dc, you would very likely get sole residency with agreed access arrangements for your wife. As you are not the biological parent of the older 2 then I assume you do not have parental responsibility for them. So if she leaves, she takes the elder 2?

I'm sorry to sound so cold. But she has told you she wants to split. If she is serious, you need to know what your rights are. And you need to know before you have the discussion with her. She may well need a hard dose of cold reality to make her really think about what it is she really wants.

So before you do or say anything, are you named on the baby's birth certificate as the father? What is the accommodations situation like? Renting or mortgage? In whose name? Do you have joint bank accounts?

I am giving you the same advice and asking the same questions if you were a woman in the same situation. If she says she wants out, for whatever reason, you need to start protecting yourself and your baby pronto.

Finola1step Wed 05-Aug-15 15:51:54

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry about my previous post. I too assumed that you were of the male variety blush slaps myself across the knuckles.

But my advice still stands. And would do for anyone in your position, whatever the gender.

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