I lost my DH to lung cancer two years ago. Since then I have had absolutely no support from my mother and she has shown virtually no interest in my two DC who needless to say, have struggled enormously. She was twittering on about her neighbour a couple of days after my DH died, and because I wasn't engaging in the conversation, she said "you don't sound very interested". I had just lost my precious DH, my DC has lost their Dad, I could barely even breathe. How could she expect me to be interested in her neighbour? She told me because I have a house and a car, I should "count my blessings". I said I would rather live in a tent and still have my DH with us. She remains totally obsessed with my sister, who never made any attempt to come and see me, or even pick up the phone and ring me when my DH died. She sent a condolence card in the post. My mother then went on and on for weeks at me asking me if I was going to thank my sister for the card. I said no, I have far more important things to cope with, like just managing to get through the day and feed my DC. I felt I coped really well on the day of the funeral, even though I felt like I was looking down on myself and on another planet, I needed to stay strong for my DC. She told me afterwards I "was funny with them on the day of the funeral". Everyone else told me how proud they were of me, and how strong I was being for my DC. She is utterly self centred and totally obsessed with my sister, who is a complete waste of space. She wrecked her marriage and walked out on her two DSs. Because she now lives in a rented flat, and I "have a house", I am so much better off than her and have so much more. She CHOSE to wreck her marriage and walk out. I would give anything in the world to have my DH back and for my DC to have their Daddy back. But I didn't have a choice. She just doesn't get it, she's so shallow. I have told her how much she's hurt me, but nothing changes. I have pretty much stopped talking to her on the phone as whenever I do, she upsets me. She shows no interest in how I'm doing or in my DC. She just remains obsessed with trivia and my sister. I don't know how to cope with the situation. It's no good talking to my Dad. He has no idea of half the things she's said to me. She's very devious and always does it on the phone or via text, so he doesn't know. He knows what she's like, but he will always back her and defend her. He says she's "the most maternal woman he knows". I'm afraid I beg to differ. I want to detach myself from her completely, but I know that's not possible. Thank you to anybody that manages to get to the end of this rambly post.
AIBU?
To be hurt by lack of support from my mother? long post
Bluebell66 · 05/08/2015 10:10
I am sorry about your DH. You sound like an amazing Mum, doing her best for her kids, while dealing with the awfulness of your DH's death.
Your own mother sounds like a nightmare. I can't fathom her attitude/comments/self-absorbed way- I really can't. Surely she should be looking out for you, the way you're looking out for your own DC?
When I read about things like this, I sometimes think it's inappropriate for strangers on internet to say "go no contact", because I can't imagine going NC with my own mum. But in this case, I'd have to leave her to her own devices, and do whatever it took to make my (and my kids) life easier.
for you
She sounds horrible. I imagine you might find it very difficult and painful to consider letting your relationship with your mother slip so soon after the death of your DH but from what you say it sounds like the reality is she abandoned you years ago in favour of your feckless Golden Child sister.
for you from me too.
So sorry you lost your husband op
my sister, who never made any attempt to come and see me, or even pick up the phone and ring me when my DH died
This is so so shocking to me. They both sound like they are of no help whatsoever. Do you have supportive friends or other relatives around you?
Blundell I am so sorry for your loss . I think you sound amazing. I don't know why your mum is like she is, but it is very wrong. Anyone who tells you 'you were funny with us at the funeral' is totally lacking empathy/understanding/a brain!
You haven't mentioned your dad, is he still around?
I hear what your mum is saying about counting your blessings, but I'm sure you do this anyway or your couldn't carry on, and no a house and car will never make up for the loss of your dh.
Both mum and sis sound selfish, self-centred and materialistic, I don't know if you want to go nc, it's a big decision, but I can't see either of them suddenly becoming supportive of you. I'm sorry not to be any help. I would focus on getting support from people who appreciate your situation xx
I probably would find it too stressful to go no contact, but I'd certainly withdraw and not see much of her. Both she and your sister sound awful and totally self absorbed. Are you close to your husband's family?
I'm so sorry you lost your poor husband - it sounds as though you had a very happy marriage and you must miss him enormously.
So sorry for your loss. She will never change. I know you think and hope she will but she won't. Your mother has narcissistic tendencies and has no empathy
. Sorry to be blunt. You can't go NC because of your dad.
My dad is the exact same- and I managed to disengage emotionally only recently. Try to think of your mother as a woman you know not someone who will give you emotional comfort. Unfortunately this is a tough tough situation but I wish you strength in your grief and hope you find support from people other than your family.
Hard as it will be, I think you need to see your parents clearly, and manage your own expectations of them. If you only expect the bare minimum they are capable of, then you won't get hurt over and over again.
My mum is not supportive - she didn't really give a damn when I was bullied in school, and didn't notice how withdrawn or sad I got - and as a result of the bullying going on for all my years at secondary school, I now have depression - but my mother sounds like Florence Nightingale compared to yours.
It does sound as if you have friends around you who are supporting you - and as others have said on here, you are clearly a wonderful mum who is doing an amazing job at an incredibly difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that MN can carry on being here to help you through this, alongside your r/l friends.
I read somewhere that our real family aren't the people we are related to - they are the people who are there for us, who love us and care for us. So even though your biological family are letting you down, you have loving family there for you, in real life and on here. 
Your parents both sound nasty and disfunctional
You really could just cut them out. Even if you've not got to that point yet, remember that it is possible.
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