More of a WWYD?(15 Posts)
I've posted this in chat but thought i'd get more traffic here.
I'm in a tough situation, please be kind as this is really difficult for me.
I'm 24 and was diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis a few years ago. I've had the symptoms since I was 10 and always suffered with periods etc. However, my adenomyosis seems to be getting worse and i've been doing some googling (I know) and apparently because of the adenomyosis and the damage it does to the uterus, I would be considered a high risk pregnancy due to the risks of pre-term labour and miscarriage. That's if i'm able to concieve in the first place.
I'm single, no job and have depression/anxiety issues which i'm working to overcome. I really want to be a mother more than anything, but i'm scared because of the damage the diseases are doing to my reproductive organs. I would rather try in my 20's due to the risks etc, however I need a partner and all that comes with that, wanting a child etc and finding someone compatible is not easy. I've been considering after I recover from my anxiety and get a job in going it alone or co-parenting.
When I tell my mother about it she is so unsupportive. I would love to do the traditional route of getting married etc but I really don't think I have time. I just feel so frustrated, my life has been shit through the years and the only thing i've really wanted was to be a mum and now that is at risk.
First of all as it sounds like you are really in a tough situation all round. However, the first thing I would do is step away from google and speak to a medical professional about your situation to establish the risks and work out whether it is something you need to worry about now. All the statistics in the world aren't relevant until you know how your condition is affecting you specifically and if you have an accurate picture of your fertility and the likelihood of conceiving/carrying to term then that could help you make a decision and feel confident enough to defend that no matter what your mum says.
Thing is, what's right for me isn't necessarily right for you.
With your set of conditions I think that I would have totally abandoned idea of having biological children & hoped to maybe foster or adopt later when things otherwise seemed good. But I was never huge on being a mum. I've never had big dreams at all, it's not me. Some of us just bumble.
Your situation sounds very overwhelming & the only way I can manage overwhelming is to tackle the quickest or easiest parts first. Good luck.
Step away from Dr Google - it's the biggest con artist ever!!!
I was in a similar situation in that knead told i would be far better trying for children earlier rather than later.
It then turned out that I needed IVF to get pregnant and also that I was at risk of early labour because of surgery I've had on my cervix.
At 28 I beat the odds and gave birth to my little boy after successful IVF and a rather worrying 9m of pregnancy
It was tough finding out at 15 that I would probably have trouble getting pregnant and carrying a baby and the time between finding this out and actually having my DS was very hard at times, especially as all I'd ever wanted was to be a mum
I guess all I'm saying is don't rush into anything thinking it's your only choice. Medicine can do wonderful things now and it's only going to get better.
I'm not saying to never consider going it alone but at least give yourself chance to find your Prince Charming first.
I think I would focus on improving your mental health. I would try to spend more time with positive people and possibly less time with your mum.
Is your mums inability to support you a generational thing? I know my mum really struggles with the world today. She still can't understand that my DH changes nappies!! Just because my df never did!
Sorry that you are in this situation.
I agree with previous posts who've said step away from Ggogle and go talk to some health professionals. Maybe could you consider talking to them about your egg reserve with a view to freezing?
as pps have said - what is good for one person isn't good for another. but here's my tuppence worth.
at 21 I was told I was going to need treatment which would result in me probably never having children. I coyld delay treatment and harvest eggs. I didn't
thank goodness because I'd be dead. I actually don't know where I'm at now but essentially have been told, the sooner the better.
I'd rather wait and be in the right or near enough right place for kids before diving in to it and 6 years on I have pain about it but no regrets. even now I know I can't look after myself well enough never mind another human being. I'll cross this bridge when my bf and I are ready to - if we ever get to that stage.
look after yourself first, that's what's most important for you and any child you have. don't jump in because you're scared of missing your chance because you could make things worse for yourself.
I know it's not easy, I'm not in your situation but I understand having two equally difficult options
Go to www.endometriosis-uk.org/find-local-support-group and find a support group near you. I attend one and cannot tell you how good it is to be able to talk with other women who understand. I'm sorry you're not able to talk as much as you'd like to about it with your mum, you might find a support group a helpful alternative. Plus, they often have guest speakers on themes like fertility.
Second) Some questions:
One of the biggest fertility reducing factors in women with endo is damage to the ovaries and fallopian tubes rather than issues with the actual uterus. Have you had any diagnostic laps or surgical treatment? Did your consultant tell you anything about these areas?
Have you spoken to your consultant about your fears? They'll be able to offer advice as to how urgently you should be persuing a family based on your specific case. Although in my experience they seem to often suggest being 'ready' is more important. Yes you may need medical intervention, but then again you may not.
Also; if your consultant told you that you definitely have adenomyosis then I'd be slightly wary of them. A diagnosis of adenomyosis can currently only be confirmed through surgical examination after a hysterectomy (a bit like a post mortem for your womb). Any adenomyosis diagnosis should only be 'suspected adenomyosis'. (Apologies if you're already aware of that.)
I'm really sorry for what you are going through, it sounds awful. However, I really don't think having a baby is the best thing for you at the moment. You have no means of support, financial, social or practical and your mental health isn't so good. Maybe now is not your time.
She knows now is not the time Lavender - the point is that it's a gamble, if she wait a she may not be able to have children. And that in itself is fairly crap for mental health.
I agree with those who say get yourself referred and start the test process - all the hormone panel esp AMH and try and establish what fertility risks you actually have. And dont hang about as nhs referrals and tests can take months on end to sort. Some endo treatments can help adeno too if I remember rightly? There may be a plan you can follow for a couple of years and who knows in that time your health and relationship status may have changed.
And then you will be in a position also to freeze eggs which could open up possible of surrogacy in future if you cannot carry.
I had a child as a single parent (by choice, I used a donor), but I think that you need to get yourself in a better position first. Job, housing, some finance behind you. It's the most wonderful thing I've ever done, but also the hardest. There is no one to give you a break, no one to support you in the middle of the night when the child will just not go to sleep. I can't even imagine doing it without knowing I had a secure roof over my head and money in the bank.
I had severe endo and PCOS, diagnosed at 19. I was in a lot of pain for years and told I would never have children. When I was 28 I went on the Endo diet, all symptoms gone. My gyny & doctor were amazed. I had children at 31.
There is hope.
Look into all the options and do bucket loads of research. Freezing eggs, being a SP are all things you could do. As is getting and job, meeting someone and then going on to have them in a few years.
Thank you for the replies. I had the endo diagnosed by laproscopy surgery. I was also diagnosed with suspected adenomyosis because of the appearance of my uterus. I'm going to get some fertility testing done privately next year and go from there. It's such a difficult situation for me - i've wanted to be a mother for so long but this isn't how I envisioned it. I suppose co-parenting is an alternative though, albeit a complicated one.
you shouldn't have to do this privately - ask if you can be referred to ACS
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