About my tomboy dd1?(166 Posts)
Dd1 is a tomboy. She is 4. she seems to only gravitate towards "boy" type toys and TV programmes. she literally likes nothing that would be traditionally aimed at girls at all. She hates wearing dresses and skirts. Hates the colour pink. If she is playing she would always choose to be the dad or male character.
She said she would like a willy so she could wee standing up!
I am finding this quite hard to deal with. The preference for "boy" TV programmes etc. I have no issue with. It's just the feeling that there is something "more" to it. Wanting to role play as a boy. The complete shunning of skirts and dresses and even leggings. The huge disdain for anything pink.. I don't know if it's possible to have gender dysmorphia at her age or to feel she has been "born in the wrong body" or whatever but if I even ask her about why she won't give her sister a turn at being the "daddy" or ask what's wrong with wearing a skirt or looking pretty she simply refuses to discuss it!
Aibu to feel worried and scared for her? I wish she felt she could open up to me more about it but she obviously doesn't want to. I just want her to have a happy life, she's not very confident at all and I'm worried about her starting reception in September and being so completely different to all the other girls there.
I totally understand why you are concerned. In your shoes I would be too.
No helpful advice I'm afraid as I havent experienced this but hopefully someone else may come along who can help.
FarFromAnyRoad - yes I'm aware she's 4. I am also aware she is noticeably different to her peers.
It's a non issue, she's four, don't make anything of it, who decided that pink and certain toys were 'for girls' anyway??
You are projecting a grown up and very current mindset on a little child finding her way in the world.
I was like her as a child - I'm now 44 and don't have any gender issues.
I have no advice, but YANBU. I know it's silly, but today my DS said that he wanted to grow up to be a girl. It was a throw away comment and it didn't mean anything, but I just thought 'oh I hope not'. I want him to be as happy as possible, and any kind of gender confusion will not help with that. I'm sure that's the way you feel too.
It would be unwise to try to do anything about it though. In all likelihood this is nothing and she will grow up to be a happy woman who never wears pink (or she may even change her mind on that one!).
She is 4yo I wouldn't start over thinking this! My dd is similar to yours, hates pink or anything girly. Tbh I did struggle with this when she was younger (now 9yo) as all my pre conceived ideas about having a dd went out of the window. She insisted on having her hair short, refused to wear skirts/dresses/tights/leggings.
Now I love that she challenges stereotypes and I fully support her choices, I always told her there was no such thing as 'boy' toys and 'girl' toys just toys. Similar with clothes.
At the end of the day as a society we have decided what is masculine and feminine - in reality it is all pretty meaningless!!
I was like this as a kid. It was because I didn't much like the idea of what 'girliness' seemed to mean - I didn't relate to it.
It has had no bearing on my body image and I have never had any desire to change gender! Am now married and have kids, and love being a woman.
Please, please stop worrying and stressing out your child. Let her be who she is. Gender roles can feel very oppressive to new little people sometimes. And don't try to force her to change. Let her negotiate this stage in her own way.
You are projecting a grown up and very current mindset on a little child finding her way in the world
Exactly this. You speak of her as though she was a troubled teen - especially when you say you wish she felt she could open up to you. She doesn't even know that's an option at this stage.
You are massively projecting and almost wanting a big old drama!
I was like that at her age. Still a 'tomboy'. Now a wife, mother, etc etc.
Gender is social concept.
Weeing standing up has obvious advantages. Skirts and dresses can be a fucker during play. She's probably just seeing some of the perks of being a boy and in her own little 4 year old way thinking it's not fair what's expected of her.
Also, don't ask 'what's wrong with looking pretty' ffs. She's 4, she has the whole world and her life ahead of her, how she looks shouldn't even enter her head unless it's dressing up role play etc.
Has she started school yet? My niece was very similar until she started school - then suddenly it was pink everywhere.
I'd just let her get on with it, tbh. There is no reason why she should wear "girl" clothes if she doesn't particularly want to.
Open University link about how children's ideas about gender develop:
I was like her too. My favourite toy was a big dumper truck, and I hated dolls etc. I'm 40 now, drive a big motorbike and I'm still a tomboy. I'm also happily married (to a man) and have had no issues. Try not to read too much into it. With all the publicity recently about transgender issues, you're probably hyper aware at the moment.
I was the same throughout my childhood, because the local boys saw girls and 'girliness' as weak, and I was determined not to appear weak.
I'm comfortable in my femininity now, but still uncomfortable with all the 'pink is for girls' shite. Leave your DD to it, she knows what she's about.
Farfromanyroad - thanks for making me laugh - that's exactly what dh said to me! I honestly don't want a big old drama at all.. I think I just love her so much and I'm a worrier by nature (more so since having dds.) I desperately want her to have a happy life and life is hard enough even for so called "normal" people.. .
As PPs have said, she's only 4.
And she's not a Tomboy, she's just a girl with different interests to some other girls.
hedgehog@home I.was asking what was wrong with looking pretty as she just seems so hugely against it - if anyone says she looks pretty she throws an almighty strop. and whatever outfit or hairstyle that earned her such an insult can never be worn again! So i was just trying to get to the bottom of what exactly is wrong with "looking pretty!"
Another one who was that child.
I spent a fortune on a pair of high heels last week. Took me 35 years to get there
She is who she is - stop projecting and just enjoy the child she is. There's a mix in my daughter's class at school. From mini princesses to trousers only. Mine is monster / vampire obsessed.
As I always tell her - nothing is for boys or girls, everything is for everyone.
Maybe at 4 she has ambition beyond 'pretty'. No doubt she spends a lot of time being kind, clever, adventurous, and all sorts of brilliant qualities. But still we tell girls they are 'pretty'. Weirdly, no one ever said my DS was pretty, nor my friend's sons.
She probably refuses to discuss it because there is nothing to discuss. She is a person with a personality. Girls aren't all the same, they don't all like pink any more than all adult women like the ubiquitous shopping, spa days and shoes. FWIW my mother once made we wear a dress when I was about 7 and I cried the whole day yet I have still managed to have a 'happy life'. Not sure why you associate wearing skirts with being happy.
She won't be completely different from all the girls at school. She is unique, but so is everyone else.
YABU - at least she still wants to be a human being. I know of one young boy who insisted he was a giraffe for months..
He grew out of it and as far as I know is perfectly happy with himself
I am going against the grain here, OP & say that I don't think you are wrong to have some disquiet about your dd's presentation. She is doing nothing wrong & only time will tell whether her presntation is about a short-term gender-expression or a longer term gender-identity. There is good research around children 'knowing' about their gender-identity at a very age; but as long as you accept her unconditionally, over time it will become clearer.
I've got one like that, you will have to read up on dinosaur species, you will be tested on them! Seriously, she is 4 and just looks at what's on offer- girls: pink, princesses, Hello Kitty, Elsa. Boys: adventures, dinosaurs, castles, sports, pirates, superheroes. Can't say I blame her.
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