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To express my jealousy and dare I say, bitterness?

(65 Posts)
CarrieBsManolos Tue 04-Aug-15 16:57:14

Where to start..I am broke, I see everyone around me with so much more and it hurts. I can't work due to long term mental and physical health issues, I have 2 young kids and am a LP. One of my boys has possible SEN, assessment currently happening.

It wasn't meant to be like this, I did well at school, college and went onto achieve various vocational qualifications but had children young and focused on them. (Which I am proud of). I am now at the higher end of my thirties, don't own a house, don't drive, don't work and honestly - I feel like a loser.

The bitterness comes when I hear a friend of mine telling me about buying her new half a million pound house and then another friend saying she dealt with a difficult situation by going on a shopping spree and couldn't stop herself! She doesn't work either but her DH earns a six figure salary.

Lots of family members are getting married over the next few years and this year, I've missed out on 2 hen weekends already which is fine as I don't want to go away but I'd at least like to go out with a couple of the brides to be for a meal or drinks.

Someone in my family said she's really 'feeling the pinch' lately and then ordered a huge Chinese meal and I couldn't afford to chip in so just left. Can't remember the last time I had a takeaway, people hand me down their old clothes which is very kind but I used to love clothes shopping when I've had jobs in the past. I cut my own hair, use pound shop hair dye every 6 months and take my boys to the park everyday instead of cinema, swimming, days out. No holiday for about 5 years.

So - AIBU to feel so down about all this?? Or am in need of a change in attitude and stop being so bloody miserable?

Sorry if this has depressed anyone, my NHS counsellor is away for two weeks! Can you tell?!

Ilovecrapcrafts Tue 04-Aug-15 16:59:01

Yanbu. It's shit being poor sadflowers you never know what's round the corner OP x

Gintonic Tue 04-Aug-15 17:05:26

YANBU to be fed up of poverty. But some of your friends/family sound quite insensitive. Do you have any friends in a similar financial situation to yourself?

CarrieBsManolos Tue 04-Aug-15 17:14:47

Thank you Ilovecrapcrafts flowers True, I am an optimist under all the rage so lets hope!

Yeah people are insensitive I think, well the ones who I gave examples of. I just don't know what the appropriate response is when someone is telling me about their spending - I must look upset as its all I'm feeling, I'm sure its written over my face. The one who bought the house recently told me about her savings - amounts I can only dream of. I think she tries to 'inspire' me as she's always trying to find ways I can better myself so her heart's in the right place.

I hate that being poor has made me obsessed with money - I'm not a materialistic person, it's more about lost potential and the fact that there's a beautiful world out there and I wish I could take my boys to see it sad

ollieplimsoles Tue 04-Aug-15 17:19:04

Sorry you are going through this op, may I ask- where is the children's father(s) and can they help you care for the children financially?

Is a change in career or a new educational path a viable option for you at the moment? flowers

FundamentalistQuaker Tue 04-Aug-15 17:28:32

No, YANBU, it is miserable.

It is isolating, and frightening, because there isn't enough money to help you deal with the things life throws at you, and very boring.

Could you speak to one family member and ask for that person to remind others quietly that you can't do things like just chip in for a takeaway?

Stick to the friends who will do picnics in the park or meet-ups at the library rather than meeting those who ignore or forget your situation and could at any moment suggest something you can't afford. Just send the latter group cheery emails to keep in touch.

Never, ever think you are a loser though. I know our society seems increasingly set up to judge people by the material things they've got, but it is rubbish. You're a winner: the parent who stayed. The parent who works hard to look after her children, copes, carries on, loves, and nurtures.

RonaldosAbs Tue 04-Aug-15 17:31:28

YANBU at all. If they know you're struggling they're being very insensitive. I know money issues always will crop up, but still, bragging about spending sprees etc, ugh.

MintJulip Tue 04-Aug-15 17:34:35

Op I am low on funds too and love things its helps to satiate my desire for stuff by being on freecyle.

Do you have a car? if so - get on it - hopefully you have a good one in your area and you get stuff....currently looking at antique drawers - beautiful but have had loads of stuff, kids bikes, toys, play house, stunning antique furniture, kids clothes, adults clothes, exercise equipment..then if you can save maybe 2 a week ( 8 a month) start now for next year, go to car boots to again buy great quality stuff, paid for by richer people, but still fab!

CarrieBsManolos Tue 04-Aug-15 17:45:11

ollie he is not working either so minimum CSA payment, really doesn't help sad his parents are very good to us, it is because of them I can type on this computer and have internet access, so I'm extremely grateful. They help if we have no food, but again, I'd like to not have to rely on others and be able to make brownies if we all feel like it instead of worrying about the gas running out! (meter)

My parents help too, but they aren't well off at all and I try to keep my issues away from them so as not to worry disappoint them.

Fundamentalist your last paragraph actually brought a tear to my eye, I'm a sensitive old cow and pretty emotional right now! I do love my children more than anything imaginable and I know they know that which does make me feel rich in lots of ways.
I just worry as the older one particularly feels it, but he will hopefully grow up appreciating things more not having everything handed to him.

I will mention to one relative (trying not to say much as worried about outing myself) who is very understanding, and ask her to remind people about the situation.

Thanks for letting me vent, means a lot!

Saltedcaramel2014 Tue 04-Aug-15 17:46:23

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I don't want to play down the things you are upset about, because your feelings about them are understandable and valid. But I just wanted to say you sound like a really good mum. So you take your kids to the park every day and not for flash days out - what matters is you are with them, you always have been, you care about them. It sounds like you have put them first a lot. Envy and jealousy are natural emotions. It's meant to be healthier to compare 'down' rather than 'up' but that's not always easy. I send strength and hope things improve for you soon, sounds like you deserve a break.

Downtheroadfirstonleft Tue 04-Aug-15 17:46:44

Your friends sound like they are being horrid.

I'm sorry but YABU though. Compared to many in this world, you have a great deal. I do hope things improve for you soon.

woowoo22 Tue 04-Aug-15 18:00:37

You do sound like a fantastic mum.

Could you do something as an alternative to work, am not sure what but you write very eloquently, perhaps writing as a hobby ie something just for you/take it seriously for some focus and maybe work up to paid employment in future?

shouldbeironing100 Tue 04-Aug-15 18:09:28


YANBU at all. This is the beauty of mumsnet, you can vent.

The people you have mentioned should really be more sensitive.

Don't think you have to do flash things with the kids. How old are they? I have been taking my DC to events organised by the local council. Some are free, some are �2.50 or maybe less if you are on benefits. Organisers meet in a park and show kids how to play cricket or do team games etc. There is also one that is a treasure hunt. I am sure all councils do things like this. I found a lot of activities in a magazine that was put into my DC's book bag called 'Primary Times'. They do things for older kids too.

I suppose it is still in a park but it's with other people.

Do you have any museums in your area?

They are doing a reading challenge at the library to try and make a Guiness Book of Records whatsit.

What interests you? What kind of job were you in before? Can you do a course? Do you like reading? Would you be interested in setting up a book club?

Try and look at what there is as opposed to what there isn't. Very difficult I know.

Might not be easy to find but there are possibilities out there that might make you feel better.

Toocold Tue 04-Aug-15 18:17:48

I am sorry you feel this way, my dm was in a similar position to you, I feel nothing but proudness of how happy my childhood was due to the simple things we did together, blackberry picking, walking, den making etc it was the fact that I knew she was doing all she could that mattered to me, your children will feel the same.

Do you have a pets at home nearby? We went to a summer holiday event today that was free and got to hold geckos and snakes. Also lots of local councils (parish/ town) put on free activities in the summer holidays, can you check your local ones out?

I hope your situation improves soon.

shouldbeironing100 Tue 04-Aug-15 18:45:18

If you like homemade popcorn you can make it at home and as is cooks so quickly it shouldn't take up too much of the meter.

The library lends out films for about �1 which all adds up I know. Or you can programme the movie afternoon / evening with popcorn when one is on TV and maybe tell your DCs that they can have a friend round.

Sorry if my ideas are annoying!

callamia Tue 04-Aug-15 18:50:52

I really admire you. Yes, you should feel however you need to - but I think that it won't always be like this. Your children will know what you are sacrificing (one day), and they must absolutely love you for the mother you are now.

I wish your friends would realise, but for now - I think you're amazing.

mumof2oneofeach Tue 04-Aug-15 18:56:31

Totally agree with the other posters, you sound like a lovely Mum. I agree there might be free activities around you. Museums are my thing, I live near some free ones and we love going, there are often free trails or activities during holidays. But also a good picnic in the park is fun!

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Tue 04-Aug-15 20:01:23

Yanbu, it is very draining to always be on the bones of your arse and counting every penny. Try not to measure your worth by comparing what you have to what others have. If you want to have a shopping spree, can you enjoy doing it at a car booty or at the charity shop? I love a good bargain hunt. But I would still love to be able to go into John Lewis and buy anything I wanted. Not going to happen in the this lifetime though!

Lymmmummy Tue 04-Aug-15 20:10:10

Well I think you are doing great - I am sure not many would be able to cope as well as you - you should be proud of yourself -

and my heart goes out to you - it's a lonely isolating road to go down - and I don't know what to suggest - perhaps groups or organisations which support and allow you to meet others in a similiar boat or a class you might be interested in or a local social group loads of them online now or volunteer somewhere - there will be like minded people out there who can understand were your coming from

Myself and my sisters grew up in a poor household. Powdered milk, scraps of food from the shop leftovers. Our parents went hungry etc. We had nothing.
But we had a parent like you, ones who love us and cared for us and did everything for us. We appreciate everything now and the fun things out parents were able to do with us are remembered fondly. We often reminisce about them.

Be kind to yourself, honestly you are doing great,

Atenco Tue 04-Aug-15 20:20:49

I am sorry you feel this way, my dm was in a similar position to you, I feel nothing but proudness of how happy my childhood was due to the simple things we did together, blackberry picking, walking, den making etc

More or less the same here. I remember once I was an adult my mother talking about how she hated always having to say no when we asked for something, but that wasn't a bother to me as a child.

TheHouseOnBellSt Tue 04-Aug-15 20:24:10

Carrie flowers going through an assesment for possible SN is an INCREDIBLY awful time.

You won't perhaps realise how bad (though that's not to say your feelings not aren't real!) but when you look back you will think "God. Wasn't that an awful period!"

So much uncertainty and fear.

It will go will come out of it.

ephemeralfairy Tue 04-Aug-15 20:24:11

YANBU at all OP. I am skint at the moment and it is crap. All our friends are much better off than us and have bought houses, go on lovely holidays, can go out for meals on the spur of the moment without worrying about the cost etc etc.
I don't have kids though, just me and DP so I take my hat off to you. You sound like a lovely mum! That's all I have to say really. Keep your chin up! You are doing great xx

TheHouseOnBellSt Tue 04-Aug-15 20:24:36

And you will find out who your true friends are.x

WhatToDoWithMy2 Tue 04-Aug-15 20:32:01

YANBU OP. I am not skint but not far off it. I feel a twinge when I see friends taking their families abroad (it's been seven years since I got on a plane), taking their kids out for meals regularly, etc.
My siblings have cleaners and that makes me a bit green.

But when it comes to the kids, I think they can have an amazing time without money being spent. my 5yo went to a free museum today w her grandpa, and when I got home from work I have never seen her so animated. She came running at me yelling about all the things she had learned and seen, and didn't stop chattering about it until bedtime smile

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