to really not know how to handle this situation with my friend (weight related)?(218 Posts)
I put 'sabotage' in inverted commas because it sounds so bloody dramatic.
I am overweight. I started going to Slimming World in December last year and have lost weight very slowly (now at just over 2 stone loss) by trying to alter the way I cook etc. I have very normal meals (all the family do) I've just stopped adding to it with the 3 bags of crisps and about 4 bars of chocolate every day. I've tried very hard and it's coming off very slowly but I'm happy with that. I still have treats and when I go for a meal I will have what I like, drink what I like etc so I really don't feel like I'm on a 'diet' of any sort.
I didn't tell anyone I was starting SW but my close friend noticed I had lost a bit of weight at the start of the year and asked me how and decided to join me at the group etc. All great, it was fantastic to have her company and we supported each other. However, she decided to stop, again, fine by me as it's up to her. Now here's my problem. Since she stopped, the bitchy comments have started 'oh I don't suppose you'll eat anything now' (absolutely not true) and in front of other 'oh Wilbur doesn't eat these days she thinks she's a supermodel ha ha ha'. etc.
Last night I popped round to drop something off to her just after dinner and she said she'd bought some cakes for me and offered one to me. I said thanks but I'd just eaten and I'm maybe have it in a hour or so (which I would have, like I said, I don't deny anything I just have it in moderation). Then she said she'd bought wine for me. She doesn't drink and I never drink during the week, I never have and she knows this. When I said I'd rather have a cup of tea she tutted and muttered 'for fucks sake' under her breath. Er, What? It turns out I'm 'a stuck up cow' and think I'm better than her because I've lost a bit of weight and I need to live a little. I'm gutted. I never talk about losing weight because I get embarrassed about it and to be honest it bores me witless so I don't do it. I asked her what the hell is going on and she said she was sick to death of me in general because 'it's no fun being fat on your own'. (I'm still fat btw). So I left. I've got 3 missed calls from her on my phone which I haven't yet returned but I have no idea what to say to her. Where do I go from here?
I need to go out for a bit now but I would really appreciate some advice here. We've known each other for years and I'm gutted about this.
She's jealous of your weight loss and while a little bit of good natured envy is probably natural it doesn't sound as if she's in any way happy for you, which makes me wonder about how good a friend she really is...I think you need to talk and see if you can sort it out (probably by getting her to lose weight too to feel good about herself if that's where the issue lies) or else forgetting about that particular unsupportive friendship!
Crikey. She sounds jealous, pure and simple, because you've lost weight and she hasn't, and you're sticking to the programme and she can't.
Overweight people often find that friends and family members try and undermine their attempts to lose weight. Your friend sounds particularly nasty and extreme. I think I'd drop her if I were you, but I guess it depends how much you like her the rest of the time and how much you need her company. But you could always try and meet new people and make new friends.
She's jealous and she is unhappy, and shed taking it out on you because you are succeeding where she has failed.
I'm not sure what I would do, out would depend on the friendship. I might
a) call her on it, and tell her that this is something you are doing for you, and you are unhappy with the way she is trying to undermine you, when you have tried to support her or
b) try and encourage her to get more active and eat more healthily in a way that works for her or
c) take some time out from the friendship as it isn't working for you right now. Hopefully she will see that you haven't done anything wrong, and its her own attitude that's at fault.
But well done for keeping at it, keep going, you can do this!
Wow. Unless she was calling to beg forgiveness I'd btw reading her the riot act.
How dare she try to make your success into her failure. I wouldn't be gentle with her. Let her have it op.
I actually changed the thread title as I'd put that I thought she was trying to sabotage my losing weight but that made it sound like I thought it was all about me, when I don't think that's the case. I know she struggles with her weight, so do I. She was so supportive at first and now this has happened.
Envy: such an ugly emotion.
Sorry you are going through this. No advice, just wanted you to know that you are by no means alone with this. I think your approach is spot on, well, I would, I've been doing it pretty much that way too. Congratulations, I'm sure you will continue to feel the better for it long term.
This is just a short term blip from someone not very kind, lost in envy.
Jealous, I bet people have commented on how good you look as well and she's pissed off.
I think she sounds like a rotten friend, long term or not.
I'd keep my distance while you feel upset , if you want to return her call tell her how her comments have made you feel. You're not going to give up on your weight loss so tell her to put up up and shut up or bugger off.
So she thinks you should stay over weight because she doesn't want to be 'fat' on here own?
She doesn't aound like a great friend tbh.
She is jealous, you both being over weight makes her feel better about yourself so she is doing her best to stop you in your tracks.
I'd have thought (given the 3 missed calls and massive unreasonableness on her part) that she's realised she's fucked up and wants to apologise, and I'd let her. Like you say its not about you its about her.
If you are fat too she feels validated, if you lose weight she feels criticised, I'd say that, for her the friendship only works if you are also fat.
She will do all she can to sabotage your weightloss
She is not being a friend... I teach in primary school and always tell the children that a friend is someone who makes you feel good about yourself, she is not being your friend! She clearly has HUGE (pardon the pun) issues over her own weight which you being successful is bringing into sharp relief ... but they are her issues. If it was me I guess I would explain to her why you are losing the weight and how her comments are making you feel but that whatever she thinks you will be continuing with your new relationship to food. Be determined, be clear and keep saying no to offered foods that don't fit your diet. You are not being boring, you are focussed!
Whatever you do about your friend do NOT give up on Slimming World! It is clearly working for you and I bet you are feeling much more positive about yourself. I have been fat for 15 years and have finally got a grip of my diet and have now lost just over a stone, with a couple more to go. The improvement in my self confidence and outlook has been amazing and I'm not giving this feeling up for anyone!
In all honesty, I would drop her from a great height. It would be friendship over for me. Calling you 'a stuck up cow' (you sound the opposite, by the way) and all the rest would be it. Fine to be jealous and keep it to yourself but how she's acted, I think, tells you what kind of person she is generally. It's not just be about the weight loss issue, it's a nasty person issue.
Don't know what I would do about the phone calls. I'd guess she will be defensive so will be more of the same. But she might genuinely apologise. I would distance myself majorly even if she does to be honest. Well done for walking outta there, op. Best of luck with it.
I think she's been very honest, albeit unintentionally. You have clearly been her other fat friend. It was ok that she was fat because she wasn't the only one. It was ok that she couldn't lose weight, it's hard, you hadn't managed it either. It was ok that she was eating lots of junk, it was no more than you were. It was ok she hated her body, you hated yours too, not much you can do about it.
But now you are showing her that actually, it's perfectly possible to change. It's perfectly possible to control what you eat.
You are showing her that she is choosing excessive eating over being thin, you are highlighting to her that her body shape is a choice she has made, because you are making a different choice.
Don't feel bad about your choices, if she is only your friend because you made her feel better about her arse size, then she's not really your friend and you'll be better off without her.
Don't mention her weight or your diet. She can get over this or she can't. Not your job to make her feel better about her choice to be fat.
I'd ignore the calls until I was ready to speak to her. When I was, I would give her an opportunity to apologise. If she doesn't, I would stop seeing her.
Well done on your weight loss!
I would be rethinking the friendship tbh.
Even if she apologises.
Not only has she been horrible, she tried to shame you into stopping losing weight with her comments before, then she tried to sabotage your efforts by buying on stuff she thought you wouldn't be able to resist, then when that didn't work she called you names.
If your DH had done this, what do you think mners would have responded with?
When I lost a lot of weight last year, it was my sisters' response that took me aback - they live in another country, so I only see them a couple of times a year, and we're not close. They were both horrified, I think because it implicitly changed my role in the family - I used to be the fat, clever one, and they were the less academic beautiful ones (the beauty part is true, and in fact they are both clever) - but if I was suddenly much better-looking (and I have the kind of looks that are definitely improved by being thinner), where did that leave them?
A version of this is going on with your friend. There are people who need others to validate their choices. Your healthier diet and healthier body is a walking, permanent rebuke to her, and she's trying to get you to choose her over your new eating regime. It's a rather unpleasant power play.
Don't get sucked in. If you value the friendship, I would call her calmly and firmly on it, and let her response dictate whether I wanted to continue to see her.
And well done.
Well done on the weight loss! You've lost a lot already and your focus and willpower is to be admired.
Does this friend have other issues? I am shocked at her saying she doesn't want to be the only fat one - she does sound rather selfish. And it does sound as if she has been sniping at you for a while, now.
As pp have said, it's for her to get over really. If she can't be pleased for you then with your record of success she's going to make herself sad for a while yet!
I wouldn't cut her off altogether - friends make mistakes, she's made a mistake - it sounds like she took out her upset at her own failure and upset at having to face that yes, her body size is in her control and she's chosing food over thinness/her health out on you. You are the reason she's having to face up to her own failings, so she blamed you in the heat of the moment for making her face it, rather herself for having those failings.
Now, it could well be she's realised how wrong that was and wants to apologise. If she does, be gracious, don't offer help or advice on ways she could deal with her weight (she knows, she doesn't want to do it, she wants to be thin, just not change her eating habits), don't invite her along to any exercise classes or weight watchers, don't mention anything at all about it.
Try to avoid places where you'll have to eat together. If you were just her 'fat friend' then she'll dump you once your weight loss become more obviously a long term thing. (if you are just a 'fat friend' you will find she's going to 'be there for you' if you lose the weight then regain it, "see, no point in dieting, Wilbur lost all that weight but piled it back on"). If you are a real friend, your friendship can survive you changing the way you look.
Just watch you don't become judgemental of others eating or find yourself making any 'helpful comments'.
I would avoid her if I were you, life is too short for rubbish like that.
She is envious that you are succeeding where she has failed, as others have said she probably wants to lose weight but is too lazy to follow it through.
I have lost loads of weight and the comments i get are so rude!
I was told the other day by a random customer that i have taken it too far, how i am obsessed and i need a big chinese meal!
Strangely enough it seems to be slim people that tell me how great i look but to be honest i don't care what anyone says or thinks, and i find it cheeky that people comment on weight anyway.
My dd told me that you shouldn't comment on anything about a person unless they can fix it in ten seconds, that sounds a good way to look at things i think.
I would have a frank talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel regarding her comments and trying to bring you down.
This is a time you must be feeling good about yourself and she just wants to humiliate you? some friend!
She's cocked up because she's jealous and unhappy with herself. It's better for her self esteem to act as though your weight loss makes you a fundamentally different person who she doesn't like rather than admit that she doesn't like herself.
Does she normally call the shots in the friendship by any chance?
She's probably calling to apologise. If you're close, I'd let her. Though I'd probably answer the phone in the snarkiest way possible to hit home the point that it just isn't on..."Stuck up cow here, what can I do for you?"
It's a normal reaction for people to try and sabotage your diet if they feel threatened. Tell her to do something about it if she's not happy, just don't let her pull you back!
She's miserably unhappy about her own weight. That doesn't mean it's OK for her to be horrible to you, of course - as an old teacher of mine used to say, there are reasons but not excuses.
Probably best to avoid her for a while unless she apologises. If she's a good friend and does want to make up, that's OK, just be careful never to offer her advice on weight loss unless she asks.
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