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For Getting Really Tired of being asked if I am my DD's Grandmother/caregiver

(200 Posts)
adventuremom Tue 04-Aug-15 01:53:05

I am an older mom, 52 with a 7 year old. I have other kids the oldest being 18 and yes, my youngest was born when I was 44. In her 1st month I was stopped by a stranger and asked " who was I holding the baby for?" I have been asked am I the grandmother, the care giver and finally, this stranger looked at me and said" so you are???" Her mother damn it! It's not vanity but really, I get it, I am the older mom with some grey hairs and wrinkles but to my DD, I am Mom. I would never just go up to someone and who is overweight and ask " so who are you holding that cake for?" Ok I am done, but it happens very very often. I get it, you think I am too old for this but I view my DD as a gift and to her, I am just Mom.

MerryInthechelseahotel Tue 04-Aug-15 01:59:11

I am almost 56 with dc age nearly 7 so I know where you are coming from.

adventuremom Tue 04-Aug-15 02:02:34

Maybe I am getting paranoid but it seems like they are trying to make a point when they say it. It doesn't feel friendly let's just say. I had a friend who was in a similar boat and she felt the younger moms were not that friendly or included her much. I have to say, I felt it too. LIke I say, often they assume I am the caregiver until she calls me Mom.

Prelude Tue 04-Aug-15 02:03:36

I was once asked if fourteen year old DD was the mother of five year old DS. He was in a pushchair and she did have a bit of makeup on but still hmm

adventuremom Tue 04-Aug-15 02:07:18

OMG !

Prelude Tue 04-Aug-15 02:09:42

Yes. "So this must be your daughter and you have a little grandson too!"

WTF? I was forty, but DS is autistic and sleepless so I probably look ten years older grin

Kiwiinkits Tue 04-Aug-15 02:37:58

The fact that you care so much suggests that you're insecure about it. Own it! You say it's not vanity? If not, what is it that bothers you?
My mum went grey in her twenties and always looked way older than her years. She was constantly asked whether she was our nana. She does not have a jot of vanity nor self consciousness... so (as far as I know) she never minded.

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 04-Aug-15 02:51:45

I have experienced this once, but sort of from the other side - we are actually grandparents, and at the time I was about 49, dh 52. We had taken then-two yo dgs on a day out, and got chatting with other adults, and one woman was plainly very confused as to whether to refer to us as his parents or grandparents.

She opted for the more socially acceptable option of assuming we were the parents, at which we fell about laughing, so no ill feeling either way.

I can see how it would hurt the other way round, though.

Happy36 Tue 04-Aug-15 03:01:03

That´s awful. I am so sorry to hear that! People should think more carefully before they speak. As Haggis points out, better for a grandparent to be mistaken for a parent, than vice versa. I am so disappointed in people to hear about the OP´s (and others´) experiences.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 04-Aug-15 03:08:43

I do a program where teenage mums come and live in my house and I always get the 'aw grandma out with the DD and DGC' when out with them and my DD. I'm only bloody early 40s. However, the mums are young so I suppose... My DD is only 4. [old]

Hootytoot Tue 04-Aug-15 04:56:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Euphemia Tue 04-Aug-15 04:57:35

You can never control what other people say, but you can manage your reactions.

Expect people to say the wrong thing. People are often thoughtless. Stop caring. What matters is that you know you're a good mum.

Decide not to give a stuff what people say - whether you are hurt or not won't change what people say. Only you can change the way you react.

Hold your head up, tell them you're Mum, no explanation.

Marylou2 Tue 04-Aug-15 05:09:16

Come and live near me! Loads of older mothers in DDs class. They are 8. Average age 40s but several 50th Birthdays recently.

BlueMoonRising Tue 04-Aug-15 05:57:04

Have fun with it.

Look at them incredulously and say 'what age do you think I am?' and watch their reaction.

RachelWatts Tue 04-Aug-15 07:27:08

This has happened to a couple of friends of mine. They were upset.

listsandbudgets Tue 04-Aug-15 07:51:16

Happens to dp too. There are 16 years between us and people often ask if he is the DC's grandd dad.

Even worse though.... A couple of people have assumed he is my dad

YANBU

QueenOfNothing Tue 04-Aug-15 07:55:16

At school gate there were a number of adults who I weren't sure if they were parents or grandparents. That made me too shy to talk to them. In case I said the wrong thing. Maybe that's why you're feeling snubbed?

pinktrufflechoc Tue 04-Aug-15 07:58:01

YANBU.

If I'm ever unsure I assume they are the child's parent as then no one is offended - if they are the grandmother or grandfather they are just all chuffed and happy and if they aren't no ones offended.

It is just rude!

Three women at my baby group have had babies in their 40s.

pinktrufflechoc Tue 04-Aug-15 07:58:49

Queen just assume they are the parents! If they're not, trust me, they won't mind that you thought they were twenty years younger!

MizK Tue 04-Aug-15 08:03:43

I honestly doubt anybody does it deliberately to make a dig. I used to get it the other way around, had DD1 and DS when I was v young and people used to think I was their older sister.
Had DD2 at 29 and no misunderstandings about our relationship so I guess most people expect mothers of v little ones to be in their 30s.
Really though, it is best to stop giving a toss what strangers think. Easier said than done but you shouldn't give it so much power to upset you. Although it's obviously a sensitive issue to you, I doubt anyone whose opinion is worth considering actually judges you, it's just their first assumption.

Dolallytats Tue 04-Aug-15 08:05:22

Happens to DH too. As well as our 22 year old DD we have a 7 yr old DS and a 2 yr old DD. He has been asked several times if the younger ones are his grandchildren.

He was kind of relieved when DD had our actual grandson earlier this year so that he can say yes!!!

DH is 53. I am 41 and keep getting told I look too young to have a 22 year old-that really rubs in in for him. I just tell him it's because I'm fat, it keeps the wrinkles smooth grin

BananaInPyjama Tue 04-Aug-15 08:07:29

I've had a few comments like this and feel its so rude.

If I am talking to someone I never refer to the relationship if I am not sure. or err on the side of caution and say 'daughter/son'....they can correct me and feel flattered.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Tue 04-Aug-15 08:08:10

my cousin's mum was the same age as you when she was seven, she is treasured by my cousin, my mum was 14 and walked away, don't take it personally, pity the people upsetting you for being rude and ignorant. My boss is 50 and my 8 year old twins think she is cool, 52 is nothing, 82 is old! Just enjoy your daughter.

PowderMum Tue 04-Aug-15 08:08:58

It's not a new thing either, I am only 10 years older than my brother, but at 14 was tall and looked older than my years (got into 18 films and served in bars) so when I was out with him (especially when he was behaving badly) I got lots of tutting and teenage mum comments even when our DM was right with us.

LeafyLafae Tue 04-Aug-15 08:11:02

With blended families, younger mums, older mums being more common, it can be hard for people to get this right.
There are people who are grandparents before they're 30.
Can you not drop subtle hints to help them out?

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