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To want to go NC with my sister because she is friends with EX-H?

(53 Posts)
LittleSnaily Mon 03-Aug-15 22:38:46

I don't understand it - my lovely sister is still seeing my exH five years after we've separated. We separated for lots of reasons triggered by his affair, which she supported me through.

I've told her how I feel. She says I need to be less bitter and she still wants to see him and my dcs. I've said of course she can see my dcs whenever she likes!

This weekend she and her family are meeting EX-H and my dcs and it really upsets me. She hasn't been to visit me for months.

Should I grow up? I feel so upset about it and I don't want to see her any more. sad

SugarOnTop Mon 03-Aug-15 22:41:21

she's an adult who is free to choose her own friendships. so long as she's not telling him your secrets/business i don't see a problem. The attitude of 'i'm not friends with X so you can't be either' it's all very 'high-school' don't you think?

molyholy Mon 03-Aug-15 22:43:39

Yadnbu! I would be upset too. To be honest, I wouldbe fuming!!! My sisters husband had an affair and they split up she kicked him out.The notion that I would go for days out with him and my neice and nephew is just bloody bizarre!!

FarFromAnyRoad Mon 03-Aug-15 22:43:47

Agree with Sugar - I can see that you might not like it but you really need to not say anything or worse - make her choose. It's not for you to say who she canoe cannot be friends with

LittleSnaily Mon 03-Aug-15 22:43:54

Maybe you are right. I just find it so hurtful and I can't get over it. I feel like she's being disloyal to me.

FarFromAnyRoad Mon 03-Aug-15 22:44:24

Canoe?? FFS grin - Cannot!

woowoo22 Mon 03-Aug-15 22:44:41


molyholy Mon 03-Aug-15 22:46:15

sugar I think its more showing loyalty to your sister when her husband has fucked around and destroyed their marriage. I don't agree that the op should be fine with this. Sure she can be friends with who she wants, but the op is entitled to be pissed off. Its her sister fgs.

Bullshitbingo Mon 03-Aug-15 22:47:06

She is being disloyal. Sorry op, I could never do something so hurtful to my dsis.
Maybe if he was her best friend since before you met him and she had literally no other mates...?
Nah, sorry, it would still be shitty behaviour.

Hedgehogsdontbite Mon 03-Aug-15 22:48:10


It's true, you cannot tell her who she can be friends with. But who would want to be friends with someone who has hurt a close family member who they love?

eyeswideopennow Mon 03-Aug-15 22:49:02

YANBU. Going through a similar problem myself with family and exh. The pain of disloyalty is almost unbearable. sad

LittleSnaily Mon 03-Aug-15 22:51:46

They weren't friends before but have hobbies in common (although would never bump into each other).

I think it is just that I have tried to explain how much it hurts me but she and her dh have very clearly told me that they disagree with my opinion about him.

It upsets me that I have told them it really hurts me but they still do it.

KatharineH Mon 03-Aug-15 22:52:52

I get Sugar's point, but feel like you that your sister should show more 'loyalty' to you.

By visiting your ex more often than she visits you, she is showing disregard for your feelings. Unfortunately you cannot stop your sister from doing what she wants. But I don't think it is worth losing your relationship over this, especially as it has been close in the past.

Maybe you should swallow your pride, and ask her if she can explain her feelings over all this. Then you may be able to get where she is coming from and come to understand it.

You have to get on with your ex for the sake of your dcs. Maybe she wants your ex to continue to be part of the extended family.

Aussiemum78 Mon 03-Aug-15 22:53:13

I've been in situations where my family has chosen to see a divorced spouse as "family" and tried not to take sides (particularly for any kids).

In your situation, I would still be friendly with your ex (so the kids see he is still part of the family) but I'd probably reduce contact to kids birthdays etc.

I find it odd that your sister is going out of her way to be his friend.

There isn't something going on between them is there?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 03-Aug-15 22:54:29

I'm not thrilled with the word "disloyal". To require hate, howver justifiable, as a condition of a relationship is unreasonable.

I might be unreasonable myself, but a long history of being bullied means that when I'm asked to pick a side, I'll choose the other one.

LittleSnaily Mon 03-Aug-15 23:00:06

It does also upset me that he has slagged me off to all his family and friends so none of them talk to me and all de friended me on FB - and he gets to tag himself at events with my dsis! It feels like he is rubbing my face in it.

(I know I am sounding childish.)

Fact is, it just really hurts me and upsets me but she and her dh continue to do it. I have tried to explain. They think I need to get over it.

SlaggyIsland Mon 03-Aug-15 23:01:12

I think you're not being at all unreasonable. Yes, adults can do what they want as long as it's legal but some choices have consequences. Her choice to be friends with your ex is hurting you greatly, and the consequence might be that you no longer see her.

Battleshiphips Mon 03-Aug-15 23:02:23

Yanbu in my view. I certainly am not in any kind of contact with my 2 dsis unfaithful exs. Couldn't imagine anything more hurtful to them.

BanditoShipman Mon 03-Aug-15 23:05:24

Yanbu. It sounds very hurtful sad

molyholy Mon 03-Aug-15 23:06:30

You don't sound childish OP. Not at all. I can only imagine how hurtful it can be. And I also get the fact that you are so upset having told your sister that she is hurting you and her response is basically 'get over it'. I just couldn't imagine treating any of my siblings this way.

cerealqueen Mon 03-Aug-15 23:06:33

YANBU He had an affair and betrayed you - your DSIS should show more loyalty. Withdraw from her.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Mon 03-Aug-15 23:06:50

Your last post is really relevant to the whole situation. Though maybe she has been told things about you that paint you in a bad light, him in a good light, and she thinks that she is showing loyalty to him ("the wronged party") by staying friends and loyalty to you (her sister) by keeping in contact?

(Sorry if this is what has happened, that would be shitty)

LittleSnaily Mon 03-Aug-15 23:10:23

He is very good at making himself the victim etc. and he has turned a lot of people against me. He was always very controlling and he has a view of himself that he is very good at convincing people with...

Maybe I just need to withdraw if I can't change the way I feel.

musicalbingo Mon 03-Aug-15 23:11:08

This x 10


It's true, you cannot tell her who she can be friends with. But who would want to be friends with someone who has hurt a close family member who they love?*

Kikimoon Mon 03-Aug-15 23:11:44

I would be totally distancing myself from dsis. That's utterly disloyal.

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