Are my dh and db being unreasonable?(8 Posts)
Background story, my mum has lived in her house for 42 years. Myself and 3 siblings grew up there. It was a council house. Ten years ago mum and DB1 decided to go halves and buy the house. Because she had lived there so long they got a massive discount, it cost them £28,000. The house is currently valued at approx £190,000.
When mum dies the house will belong to DB1, none of the equity will be split between other siblings.
For as long as I can remember DB1 has been the favoured sibling, we all know it but mum would never admit it.
For the past 5 years after a very messy divorce in which he lost everything DB2 has also lived there. He pays rent of £100 a week.
DB1 refuses to spend a penny on maintaining the house. DB2 has done a lot of decorating and has maintained the garden to a beautiful standard. At the moment he is building and painting a stunning new fence around the front garden. My sister and I have also paid large sums for work as well.
The kitchen is in desperate need of renovating. I asked DB1 what he was going to do about it, he said he was broke
not true, we all know he has 1000s in savings I suggested to DB1 that he remortgage for around £10,000 and get it done. He refused but said he would take out a loan out and get it done.
Six months later he has done nothing and keeps making excuses. DB2 is really pissed off. My dh feels the same way as DB2, he doesn't mind at all doing things for my mum but really resents doing anything that will eventually only benefit DB1.
Anyway, today mum came round and asked if my DH would pick up some benches from DB1s place of work. It's a round trip of about 30 miles. She said D2 had refused to do it, she said she didn't understand why DB2 would never help DB1 out. I told her it was because DB1 never did anything for her and I thought DH would probably also refuse for the same reason.
She got very upset and said "don't bother then I will arrange something else". I asked her why she needed to arrange anything and told her she should let DB2 sort it out himself.
She's now gone home crying, this is her default whenever anyone upsets DB1. I feel awful that she is upset but DB annoys me as much as he does my DH and other DB.
Should I just ask DH to pick the stuff up to make her happy?
Have you told her how much it hurts you to know that you are not as important to her as your brother?
Maybe she needs to know how you feel. She doesn't have to admit it to be told how you feel.
Let your brother sort it out. His circus, his monkeys.
Stay out of it. If DB2 isnt happy about the living arrangements then he should move out.
How does all that info about money have any bearing on picking stuff up?
I wouldn't do anything to help with house stuff in this situation, if she needed new kitchen, fences etc I'd tell her to ask her favourite child to do it. How blatant can favouritism be?
Agree with the others, do nothing to facilitate your mum or DB1.
You don't have to "have it out" or anything just be totally neutral/ non committal or say "sorry can't help Anyway, how about this weather we're having..."
if you are still buying/doing bits for the house for your mum - stop it! your mum has made it clear its "his inheritance" let him protect his investment, if she wants to live in a dump, in all honesty, it's her lookout. Do nothing to the kitchen and let DB1 sort it out. Does your mum even want a new kitchen?
And fwiw I think your mothers behaviour re:inheritance is a pretty poor show. It's tempting to help out because " it's your mum" I'd honestly resist the impulse.
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