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to ban DD's boyfriend from the house or worse.....

(232 Posts)
Lucyneedspeace Sun 02-Aug-15 17:40:46

DD 15 has been with her boyfriend also 15 for two years. Which is way longer than I expected! They don't see an awful lot of each other. He doesn't really talk to me which I put down to him being shy however having overheard a few conversations recently I feel like smacking him in the face.

I wasn't being intentionally nosey much but I have heard him swearing at DD quite a lot of late called her a "dumb bitch" "stupid cunt" amongst other things. A few nights ago I heard him being so vile I went in and hung up after screeching a bit ! DD won't finish it with him as she said she "loves him to much and would be to upset" I have tried reasoning with her saying she is worth way more etc etc but she just won't leave him and takes her anger out on us rather than giving him a kick into shape! I can't bare to hear her being emotionally abused by the little fucker but it seems I can't force her to dump him (which is what I really want and am still persevering). Would I be unreasonable to message him or his mum?! Or just ban him coming here (which I have already kind of done but its not had desired affect). What would you do?!

expatinscotland Sun 02-Aug-15 17:44:32

I'd report him for abuse.

Purplepoodle Sun 02-Aug-15 17:45:04

If the relationship is continuing I would have him at your house and that's the only place she can meet him. At least then you have some control of the situation and what he is doing

Birdsgottafly Sun 02-Aug-15 17:45:47

My DDs relationship went from Verbally abusive to physical, around the same age, what ended it was her gaining self confidence and emotionally maturing (a bit more).

I didn't "ban" it, but set my own and household boundaries and made sure that they were stuck to.

Luckily she remained honest with me and we communicate well.

Blueberrybaby Sun 02-Aug-15 17:46:18

I'm no expert, my DD Is only 2 but I was 15 once. You need to do the exact opposite to what you are doing. Hard as it sounds Don't ban him, welcome him and be there for your daughter when it falls apart. The more you demonise him, ban him etc the more she will run to him. Your reasonable behaviour in comparison to his twattish behaviour will be all the more highlighted. What do her friends think?

Mairyhinge Sun 02-Aug-15 17:46:42

She's 15. Do everything you can to stop her seeing him. Ban him, ground her. And make her fully aware how abusive he is being and that people who love each other don't treat each other that way.
I'd also be tempted to have a 'quiet' word with him.
back the fuck off or I will come after you

Please stop this now before she's older and you've less power.

Timetoask Sun 02-Aug-15 17:46:43

No boy would me talking to my daughter like that!!! I would have intetevened and told him to never dare describe her in those terms.

Timetoask Sun 02-Aug-15 17:47:38

Does she have a good male role model at home? One that shows her how to treat women with respect?

expatinscotland Sun 02-Aug-15 17:47:42

I'd report him for abuse.

Birdsgottafly Sun 02-Aug-15 17:48:29

""I'd report him for abuse.""

To who?, he's a fifteen year old kid.

Let's face it, they aren't mature enough to be in the level of "relationships" that they get the messages they should be in.

They're kids.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 17:48:45

I would talk to him 1-1 and tell him just how unacceptable his abusive language was

then I keep letting my daughter now she is worth more - every hour and every day

I give her stuff to look at about abuse and I'd maybe get her dad or someone to talk to me like that in front of her - she might realise what's happening

Mrsjayy Sun 02-Aug-15 17:49:08

I would only let her see him at yours tbh and i would say something about what you heard

Lucyneedspeace Sun 02-Aug-15 17:55:12

I think part of her wants out the other part can't bare to let go. I am a single mother so she doesn't have a male role model at home.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 02-Aug-15 17:58:06

Please please keep showing her you care.

My mum never did, and it was only afterwards and I'd finally broken up with him that she told me she knew how awful he'd been and wished I'd broken up with him.

Whilst I was with him my parents condoning of the relationship reinforced the idea to me that I wasn't worth more.

Finola1step Sun 02-Aug-15 17:58:37

I'd be tempted to go in hard. Sit her down to watch "Murdered by my boyfriend". Then tell her that if she insists on still seeing him, at your house only.

Ahemily Sun 02-Aug-15 18:01:19

Little bastard! I'd be absolutely horrified if my DS ever spoke to someone that way. I'd call his parents.

TTWK Sun 02-Aug-15 18:03:30

*She's 15. Do everything you can to stop her seeing him. Ban him, ground her.

This is the perfect way to push her further into his clutches. If you want them to get married in 3 years, this is the answer.

Mrsjayy Sun 02-Aug-15 18:04:28

The stats for teenage domestic abuse are skechy because kids are either trapped or feel they are not listened to a boy who calls his girlfriend a cunt isnt going to suddenly change when he is an adult unless his behaviour is challanged

FishCanFly Sun 02-Aug-15 18:05:16

Talk to his parents if possible?

Mrsjayy Sun 02-Aug-15 18:07:16

Tell her what you heard say they may have had a arguement or something but him calling her names is not on say i know he is your boyfriend but..

expatinscotland Sun 02-Aug-15 18:08:53

Well, in truth, Birds, if it were my daughter, I would arrange a little trip for us. To my sister's. Here, abroad, where children are minors until 18. I would transfer her guardianship to my sister and her husband and she would never see this fuckwit again for at least 3 years, during which time she would receive counselling for abused partners.

I would have come down hard on this abusive arsewipe.

Lucyneedspeace Sun 02-Aug-15 18:09:05

DD defends him and says I don't hear what she says. I do and its usually "why are you being so horrible, why is everything always my fault". I want to call his parents but I'm not sure of that would stop DD confiding in me and she would just make a secret about it.

I tell her every day she is worth so much more but she "loves" him.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 02-Aug-15 18:09:49

Have a look at this leaflet - maybe print off a copy for your DD if you think it might ring a bell for her.
www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97775/teen-abuse-leaflet.pdf

WayneRooneysHair Sun 02-Aug-15 18:12:04

Like fuck would you expatinscotland.

The kid is a dick, tell him that you can hear him and that if he carries on you'll sling him out on his arse.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 02-Aug-15 18:12:14

Exactly MrsJay, a teenage abuser will probably be an adult who abuses. I would fill her up with self esteem, confidence, the tools to leave him. Like somebody said, he can only see dd in my house with me present. I woukd encourage her to develop hobbies of go out with her friends, so she is away from him.

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