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Advice on debate with OH

(92 Posts)
Amy0039 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:26:40

Hi ladies, just looking for a bit of advice as I can't seem to rationalise my thoughts. I've been having some nasty pregnancy symptoms, so I've been feeling rotten for four weeks solid now, so I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting/being hormonal and stroppy.

Every time I mention that I'm feeling rough, my partner responds by pointing out that his SIL wasn't sick when she was pregnant (which strikes me as an implication that he thinks I'm making my sickness up despite me hurling up several times a day). He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort. I agree that emotinonally we're both going through a lot, but it's me that's going through all the physical effects, and putting up with all of the accompanying sh*tty side effects. I can't help but feel that I'm going through more than he is at this stage of the game. Sometimes I just want a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, but if I ever mention feeling rough I just end up feeling belittled and upset by his response.

AIBU here or does anyone else get where I'm coming from?

Iggi999 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:27:52

You dh said pregnancy was a 50:50 effort?
My first ever LTB!

Iggi999 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:29:32

In all honesty he is being an arse and it doesn't bode well for when the baby is actually here if he is this lacking in insight now.

CarrieLouise25 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:30:10

YANBU. You are definitely going through way more than he is. You are making a human being. That takes a lot of work!!

Constant tiredness, and sickness can be pure hell. You need support.

Really sad to see he's not giving it to you x

LilyMayViolet Sun 02-Aug-15 16:30:22

Omg! I'm lost for words op! What a bloody cheek! What does it have to do with you that your SIL wasn't sick during pregnancy? My friend was sick for the entire 9 mths. I was sick for 3 months, we are all different. How on earth does he consider he is going through this with you 50/50? He has no bloody idea!

happymummyone Sun 02-Aug-15 16:30:34

YANBU. He's deluded. And annoying to compare you to another pregnant lady who seemly had an easier time of it than you. That's not her being heroic, that's her being lucky!

LilyMayViolet Sun 02-Aug-15 16:31:51

Pregnancy aside I absolutely cannot bear people who belittle others when they feel ill. I think its a really horrible thing to do.

Amy0039 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:31:56

I'm doing my best to ensure he doens't feel left out, but at this stage of the game I can't help feeling that his part is done for now. I discussed it with a friend (also a bloke which was possibly a mistake) who's response was to go through me like a dose of salts about pushing OH away and cutting him out by acting as if it was MY baby rather than OUR baby.

I'm massively pissed off, but I've been irritable for weeks with feeling so rough so I can't tell if it's another hormonal overreaction

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:32:35

You can have my first KTB

acatcalledjohn Sun 02-Aug-15 16:34:15

A 50/50 effort?

If he had done even the teeniest amount of research he'd know that pregnancies vary greatly.

He's an arse. I suggest getting his SIL to tell him he's being a selfish arse by even arguing this with you.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared Sun 02-Aug-15 16:34:27

i really think you need to have a "IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A BIT OF FUCKING SYMPATHY" screech and storm out on him episode.

He's being a grade A cock and you need to kick him up the arse.

CaptainHolt Sun 02-Aug-15 16:34:30

But it is your pregnancy, regardless of whose the baby is. He isn't pregnant. He just isn't. There is no other way of stating the bleeding obvious.

mrsg1888 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:35:20

I'm currently 36+2 and have slept around 4 hours since Friday so this may have an impact on my reply

PUNCH HIMconfused
My husband has had the good sense to just keep his comments to himself but he was a bit like this with our first daughter... He's someone who's never I'll etc so always has a pull urself together attitude. But since seeing me unable to get out of bed due to spd last time and gettin the same this time he's quiet grin

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Aug-15 16:35:27

Oooh good one, Guiltypleasures!

Could you ask your partner what he's doing for his 50%? And ask him what his SIL has got to do with anything?

Are you sure he's not just lazy and selfish?

LilyMayViolet Sun 02-Aug-15 16:35:46

You are not over reacting. He is being an absolute twat. Pregnancy for many people can be very testing. How would he like to feel sick and hormonal all the time?

LadyLuck81 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:37:12

Tell him that the day he can gestate a fucking human foetus and have a go at growing said baby inside his own uterus then it's a 50:50 effort. Until then he gives you his unswerving loyalty, understanding and support.

No ifs or buts.

What a cock.

FeelTheNoise Sun 02-Aug-15 16:37:16

A 50/50 effort??? shock
I don't advocate violence, but the silly fool wants a slap! Seriously though, raise these issues with your midwife next time he attends with you, ask MW to help him understand the physical impact of your condition

LadyLuck81 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:37:32

*not a 50:50

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared Sun 02-Aug-15 16:37:53

i would also suggest speaking to your SIL and his Mother about his arrogant, twatish behaviour.

I'm SO angry on your behalf that he's being this way.. honestly, if i was his friend (or yours) i would quite frankly go through him for a fucking short cut. How DARE he?!?

50/50 my fucking arse.

DelphiniumBlue Sun 02-Aug-15 16:39:36

What's his 50%??
You are growing a baby, is he doing everything else?

Loric Sun 02-Aug-15 16:45:14

If he wants to see it as 50/50 let him but point out so far it's more like 20/80 in his favour. It's all about how he feels and how he's coping. The 50/50 is you making the baby and him supporting you when you need him with open communication on feeling from both sides. Try buying a few pregnancy books I'm sure there's some geared towards dads. Maybe they'll show him that not every pregnancy is identical.

Amy0039 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:46:02

Thanks ladies. It's made me feel better just hearing that I'm not turning into a completely unreasonable dragon woman. My head is in the shed at the moment, I just needed an outsiders perspective from people who are/have been pregnant. In a way I'm glad I have the symptoms. I suffered a miscarriage in January, so it's nice to know things are still okay, and I'm more than happy to put up with any symptoms pregnancy cares to throw at me if it means I get to come out of the other end of this with our baby. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like the odd bit of sympathy.

I don't think he's making me feel worse on purpose, I think he's genuinely clueless. A few days after I told him I was expecting he said 'OOg I can take Pea (what we're calling the baby at the moment) to Whitby Goth Weekend'. That's in April, I'm due in March!!!

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 02-Aug-15 16:50:31

Oh dear, you're surrounded by twats! Your OH is being an insensitive arse and your 'friend' really isn't a friend if his automatic response to your OH being a shit is to try to justify it and make it your fault. Don't seek approval from either of them. Honestly they have no bloody idea!

Your OH's idea of a one-size-fits-all pregnancy template would be laughable if he wasn't using it to try to belittle your symptoms because his SIL didn't have any hmm

I like the PP's idea of speaking to the midwife with your OH so she can explain to him how pregnancy works and how it really isn't 50:50. His attitude needs kicked into touch because tbh you're definitely going to get more tired as your pregnancy progresses. Next time he mentions the 50:50 ask what he's doing for his 50% because I'm really, really struggling to see where his 50:50 is, at this stage.

TRexingInAsda Sun 02-Aug-15 16:55:37

A 50/50 effort? Exactly which 50% of the baby is he going to be pushing out of his vagina? He's thick as well as a twat if he honestly thinks a dh does 50% of the pregnancy. 100% of the pregnancy is done by the pregnant woman; fact! That's why you have the associated throwing up, tiredness, skin stretching, belly expanding, and he doesn't, as he's growing 0% of a baby. He doesn't even get 1% for being supportive, because he's not.

How the fuck does he know how SIL experienced pregnancy? Was he with her 100% of the time? (perhaps he did 50% of her pregnancy as well?).

Give him a leaflet showing a week by week pregnancy, ask him which 20 weeks he'll be doing for you. Ask what the fuck he thinks he's doing this week to contribute to the pregnancy, so you can do that bit during those weeks. Please, please ask him.

RedDaisyRed Sun 02-Aug-15 17:00:20

Gosh, a rare and nasty man. He is not going through 50.50 of the effort of pregnancy. I write that as someone who was sick in the first 3 months but then fine and worked until I went into labour - even with that easy pregnancy I am happy to say it is not 50/50 man/woman not unless he's had an implanted womb inserted in his for the other twin.

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