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To want a non religious gift for a grieving mother??

(24 Posts)
kewtogetin Sun 02-Aug-15 08:48:04

Our close friends son has died, he was 5 weeks old. To say they are devastated is an understatement of the highest order, we went to visit them yesterday and their are no words to describe their grief. Certainly, I have never witnessed or come close to pain in my life.

I would like to buy the mother a gift, something in memory of her son but I'm finding it impossible to find anything that doesn't contain some religious undertone, by which I mean references to Angels, being in heaven, looked after by God etc etc.

another friend has bought a memory box and the mother is planning to have jewellery made with his hand/footprints.

Does anyone on here have any idea of what or where I could buy something for her?

Apologies if this post is upsetting, I lnow I've been rather blunt but it's been such a massive shock to us and our friendship group that everything is a blur at the moment.
Thanks in advance.

LunchpackOfNotreDame Sun 02-Aug-15 08:51:29

Do they have a garden? If so how about a plant that attracts butterflies like a buddliea?

Sighing Sun 02-Aug-15 08:51:50

I know it sounds small but a beautiful album or frames for photos as they will be containing very precious images.

BathshebaDarkstone Sun 02-Aug-15 08:53:59

Have a star named after him?

quietbatperson Sun 02-Aug-15 08:54:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetShopGirl Sun 02-Aug-15 08:54:54

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

When I last a baby fairly late in pregnancy my Dad gave me a rose bush in her memory, planted in a big pot so that I can take it with me if we move house. Maybe something like that?

PunkAssMoFo Sun 02-Aug-15 08:55:01

A memory locket like these: www.seasonsonline.co.uk/?gclid=CNHU65_1iccCFfMZtAodQB0P0Q

Or a soft toy/ blanket/ cushion made from baby clothes. There's loads of companies online.

quietbatperson Sun 02-Aug-15 08:55:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisydukes79 Sun 02-Aug-15 08:55:49

Perhaps a plant? You might find one with his name, or about never being forgotten, etc.

magimedi Sun 02-Aug-15 08:56:46

I would also go for a plant.

There are many roses that have names that would be appropriate.

This rose breeder does some & I know their stock is good as I've used them:

www.cantsroses.co.uk/products.php?ProductTypeID=59

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Sun 02-Aug-15 09:00:51

I second the locket with photo idea, I know it's not the same, but that's what I wanted when my mum died. I got a heart shaped locket with a photo of mum in it so she was always in my heart (so to speak) and I could see her whenever I needed to. Sorry for the loss xx

quietbatperson Sun 02-Aug-15 09:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

contractor6 Sun 02-Aug-15 09:05:26

I think the star is a lovely idea, sorry for your friends loss x

Mrsjayy Sun 02-Aug-15 09:05:42

A plant would be a nice gift for them that poor family sad

ChunkyAndAshamed Sun 02-Aug-15 09:06:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunchpackOfNotreDame Sun 02-Aug-15 09:09:31

That's why I suggested a buddliea
They're virtually indestructible

Mrsjayy Sun 02-Aug-15 09:10:24

Oh yes good point maybe not a plant then.

christinarossetti Sun 02-Aug-15 09:12:36

I'm so sorry for your friend.

When my baby died, I appreciated thoughtful cards, a few little items that people gave us for her coffin and, most of all, the friends who were there at the end of the phone whenever I needed them.

MrsPresley Sun 02-Aug-15 09:13:32

This bracelet is lovely here

Wowcher have an offer on at the moment to get it for £8 plus delivery.

I have a necklace like this with my sons name engraved on the back.

Itscurtainsforyou Sun 02-Aug-15 09:51:53

I found different things comforting at different times.
Immediately after my loss I wanted pictures of them everywhere. As time went on, this need diminished.
My friends bought me a charm (you can get angels or footprints or stars or just plaques with a name on) on a chain.
What I value now is the clay footprints and handprints we have as its proof that they lived (even more than photos). this bit much cheaper

There was also an ornament/figure I saw of a child comforting a mother - I don't really like ornaments, but thought that one was quite meaningful.

Apart from that, some flowers and a listening ear is so important. I found that many people just struggle to talk about it/don't want to hear - when often you need to talk about your child in a way that those who've never experienced losing a child will struggle to understand.

GobShites Sun 02-Aug-15 10:23:45

www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/gifts/name-a-star-gift.htm

www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/gifts/deluxe-name-a-star.htm

My sister baby boy passed away last year and we bought her a star named after him. She was delighted with it.

I've posted the links if two different options they do on the site we ordered from.

I think it's such a nice thing to buy them a gift because it's surprising how many people will just avoid the situation because they find it uncomfortable or distressing.

Hope you find something suitable.

PtolemysNeedle Sun 02-Aug-15 10:29:28

A plant is one of those things that could be lovely or it could go the other way, it depends entirely on the person. I'm crap with plants so I'd just feel pressure to look after the thing and would probably end up damaging it anyway, but it know someone else who has a rose plant in a pot with some of her husbands ashes in it and she gets a lot of comfort from it.

Maybe you could get a charm with the baby's initial on it that could go alongside the handprint jewellery your other friend is getting, or a blanket with the baby's name embroidered on it. Or an embroidered picture with they baby's name for the wall, or one of those frames that holds a few baby items for the wall - the sort of thing that people have for weddings with mementos in it.

Or, if there's going to be a grave, maybe you could get a little gardening set she could use when she visits to tidy the area up, or a vase that will go outside, or a blanket or little stool she could sit on when she visits.

But really I think the biggest gift you could give her is to mention her baby in the future, use his name and don't be afraid to chat about him, even after a long time, and even if it makes her cry. Especially at times like birthdays and when her child should I have been starting nursery etc. She will be thinking of her baby anyway, but may well not know how to begin talking about him or won't want to bring the conversation down to thinking about something so sad, and I think recognising that she's having to live without her child in the months and years to come, even when she's managing to function and put a brave face on is the kindest thing you can do.

EastMidsMummy Sun 02-Aug-15 10:31:37

Please don't have a 'star named after him'. This is a huge rip-off which has no standing with anyone other than the rip-off companies that print the overpriced certificates. There are many lovely suggestions in this thread which would provide a far more fitting memorial.

chekovatemycherry Sun 02-Aug-15 10:41:38

The best gift you can give her, is to give yourself.

Be her friend - cry with her - hold her - talk about her baby with her. Be there now and forever.

The funeral comes and goes and then so often everyone fades away, expecting the grief to have passed. The awkward silences come and people avoid you as they don't know what to say.

People expect you to move on far to quickly after a death.

Be there for her - Your time, your compassion, your presence, your support - it is the best gift she can have.

Sorry for this tragic loss.

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