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to feel a bit shunned?

(40 Posts)
laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 16:46:41

Long time lurker, first time poster, please be kind.

Me and DH are very close friends of 30 plus years with another couple. We've had a lot of interaction in each others lives and consider them our best mates.

Long story short it was their younger DS's 21st birthday yesterday. They had a party and didn't invite us.

It was mostly for friends of their DS which I totally get but they had a group of their own friends there (all age 50 plus like us) and I can't get my head round why we didn't get asked.

We had a party for DDs 18th a few months ago and invited them and it's my 50th in a few weeks and they're coming to that...DH is going out with male half of couple tonight so no rift.

I just feel a bit sad and left out about it.

Euphemia Sat 01-Aug-15 16:49:40

I suppose they had to draw the line somewhere, and you're not as close to them as you thought you were. sad

Could DH sound out the guy tonight?

BaguetteMaid Sat 01-Aug-15 16:50:24

Laffymeal that does sound odd...and from your description or interactions your friendship seems to be strong. Can you think of the time you last met up- could there of been any remark made/anything that they could have taken the wrong way?

Or perhaps they sent an invite that went missing in the post? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask in confidence?

There could be a simple explanation for it?

LadyFenring Sat 01-Aug-15 16:51:30

YANBU to feel shunned. I get the whole folk can invite who they like yaddy yaddy stuff, but from what you have described, it certainly sounds odd and rude that you were not asked.

Do you feel comfortable asking them outright?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 01-Aug-15 16:51:44

I'd feel left out too. Wonder why they did that, it's strange.

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 16:52:22

He's already been round this afternoon, arranging tonight and going on and on about how fabulous last night was. We were round there for dinner 2 weeks ago and had a great time (just the 4 of us) and felt as close as we ever did.

Haggisfish Sat 01-Aug-15 16:53:20

Maybe it was their ds' choice of their friends? I'd ask though.

Tryharder Sat 01-Aug-15 16:53:27

I'd get your DH to raise it...

Or ring the lady and ask if you had done anything to offend her as you noticed that you hadn't been invited to their party...

It depends on the relationship you have or think you have if you can raise it as an issue or not.

PHANTOMnamechanger Sat 01-Aug-15 16:53:47

do their other adult friends also have sons of a similar age, who are friends of the birthday boy? That I could understand. Or maybe they wanted to see the friends, and knew they are already seeing you quite a bit in the next few weeks, and thought you'd understand they need to limit numbers?

or are you sure the DHs have not failed to pass on messges/invites?

PHANTOMnamechanger Sat 01-Aug-15 16:55:13

I don't think it is EVER polite to ask why you are not invited, TBH, I could never do that even with close family/friends

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 16:55:27

Definitely didn't go missing in the post. I was round at their house last Sunday after a long, pleasant dog walk and said "are you doing anything for DS's 21st" and they said "he's having some friends round to the house" and that was all that was said.

FreakinScaryCaaw Sat 01-Aug-15 16:56:22

I'd be upset by that.

JeanSeberg Sat 01-Aug-15 16:57:53

There's no way you can question it, what would you achieve by that? Let it go and continue to enjoy the friendship. There could be all sorts of reasons why you weren't invited, none of them personal.

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 16:58:26

Yes PHANTOMnamechanger, that's very likely the case.

DH took DS's card and gift round yesterday about 5pm and still didn't get asked so we were definitely not getting an invite grin

Just writing it down has actually made me feel a bit better, I would never ask why they hadn't asked us, I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

hesterton Sat 01-Aug-15 17:00:46

It was the son's party - maybe he chose which of his older friends came as well as those of his own generation. I would let this go and not take it personally, hard though that may be...

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 17:04:10

Thinking about it rationally they have gone to all the 21sts of the DCs of their group so it was probably a reciprocal thing, that said they were at our DDs 18th just recently so I thought that would have been viewed as similar.

I'm not going to dwell on it though, maybe they thought we'd feel a bit "spare part" as we don't really know this other group very well.

Clutches at straws, lol grin

StealthPolarBear Sat 01-Aug-15 17:08:31

Are you going away any time soon? Any chance they wrongly think you won't be around for the date and so haven't bothered inviting you?

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 17:09:43

It was last night Stealth, DH was round at their house with card and present a couple of hours before it started, the ship has officially sailed.

TheHouseOnBellSt Sat 01-Aug-15 17:13:40

Oh I am afraid I would view this dimly. If a close friend of mine did this to me then I would be shunning them right back.

It's unkind.

StealthPolarBear Sat 01-Aug-15 17:15:13

Sorry I did see that but didn't put it all together. I suppose whatever the reason, it's clearly not because they hate you. There must be some obscure reason, as you say maybe they see this as a reciprocal 21st thing and assume you wouldn't want to come. Or they see this group as a separate friendship group

MissShunImpossible Sat 01-Aug-15 17:16:16

maybe all the others had some link with their DS and they just didn't think you would be in that group. I'm sorry though, it's not a nice feeling. But they clearly don't dislike you, I can't think you've offended them, given all the other things you've said.

I think all you can do is move on. Have some flowers from me x

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 17:18:10

Yes, Stealth that's the approach I'm taking as otherwise I think it will cause a rift none of us would want. DH is going out with the bloke tonight and getting a lift into town from the woman so they are clearly totally unaware that it's made me feel a bit confused.

Thanks for replies, I feel a bit better now.

FreakinScaryCaaw Sat 01-Aug-15 17:21:37

When you meet up as couples do you both do the inviting? X

neolara Sat 01-Aug-15 17:22:33

Do you have a 21 year old? Maybe the adults are parents of their ds's friends.

My eldest is only 11, but I can see that for her 21st we might ask parents of her school friends that we had got to know over the years. Inviting them might be a rite of passage (Yay, we got them to 21) and we've all been through this together. I might not invite other friends who haven't been part of this even if I loved them to bits.

laffymeal Sat 01-Aug-15 17:25:21

I have an 18 year old which they came to a few months ago. We attended their older DS's 21st a few years ago and the younger one's 18th 3 years ago where the guest dynamic was pretty similar to the party they held last night...except we weren't invited grin

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