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Dh discussing our/my decision with mutual friend

(110 Posts)
MustBeLoopy390 Sat 01-Aug-15 11:43:25

Cutting a long story as short as possible, after 4 mentally hard pregnancies, 1 loss and 3 distressing births I discussed sterilisation with my dh, I want to have my tubes tied as its my choice I didn't push for him to have a vasectomy as I know he does not want one at all. A mutual friend (we'll call her Sally) called round this morning for a cuppa and to chat, the topic of my sterilisation came up and I told her that dh and I were happy that my referral had gone through yesterday and I'd be seen within a few months to set the ball rolling. Sally then informed me (and showed me the messages) that dh is absolutely devastated and wants his own bio dd ('our' dd is from a previous relationship and dh brought her up as his own) aibu to flip at him when he gets home from work?! I'm absolutely shocked at him and it makes me wonder what else he has said to Sally over the years we have been together! What in people's opinions would be the best way to raise this and deal with it? It's such a shock as he's never done anything like this (to my knowledge) before and we've always been honest and open with each other.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 01-Aug-15 11:49:41

I'd be furious not only that he'd been confiding in another person but also at Sally.

She should have shut him down and told him to talk to you over his concerns.

The5DayChicken Sat 01-Aug-15 11:52:30

Well, though in your situation I wouldn't be able to help being massively pissed off, he confided his feelings to a friend, just as you did.

Sally is particularly indiscreet, though I'm inclined to think she's trying to help.

The worrying bit could well be that he doesn't see your DD as his own...were you aware of this or is this the first you've heard?

wafflyversatile Sat 01-Aug-15 11:54:10

I'd be upset that he didn't feel he could come to me but people,both men and women, are allowed to talk about their lives and feelings to their friends.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 01-Aug-15 11:54:15

I can understand your hurt, but he obviously feels that atheists sterilisation is what you want.By not telling you about his want of a DD maybe he feels he's protecting you? He obviously just wanted someone to express his feelings to who was more unbiased. Obviously he's trying to support you with a decision that he's not 100% on board with.

rollonthesummer Sat 01-Aug-15 11:54:19

I'd be wondering why he was talking to other people and hasn't told you how he feels.

What have his views on the sterilisation been? Have you talked and listened to each other?

TRexingInAsda Sat 01-Aug-15 11:55:59

It's not Sally's fault at all, wtf?

Anyway, Yanbu OP, I'd be really fucked off as well, why would you tell someone else that and not be open about it with your wife? Why?! It's a serious fucking decision and you need to know about it. Also wanting a bio dd is hmm he already has a dd (though not bio), and another pregnancy or even 10 is no guarantee of a dd. What a tit.

FenellaFellorick Sat 01-Aug-15 11:56:58

I have talked through my personal and sensitive feelings with a friend. I don't think there's anything wrong with confiding in a friend.
I talk about my relationship issues with a close friend.
I think that's fine. People often need someone to talk to.

I think the person at fault here is Sally.
When someone trusts and confides in you, you don't betray that.
She should have advised him to be honest with you about his feelings, not taken it upon herself to tell you that he's struggling with this.

rollonthesummer Sat 01-Aug-15 11:57:10

I dont see anything wrong in talking to friends about your worries. I don't see anything wrong in wanting your own biological child either.

Does the fact that your first thought is to absolutely flip at him-make you wonder if he's maybe too scared at your reaction about his feelings on the sterilisation to talk to you about it?

yorkshapudding Sat 01-Aug-15 12:12:11

I don't blame Sally, she was put in a very difficult situation. She had two choices, either betray one friends confidence or let you, also her friend, carry on believing that DH supports your decision while he is actually telling others he is "devestated" behind your back. She probably felt extremely awkward and didn't know what to do for the best.

I can understand your instinct to be angry with him. He chose to confide in Sally over you and that is bound to hurt. I don't think it will help though. By all means, tell him you're disappointed that he felt he couldn't be honest with you. But if you kick off then it will make him even less likely to share any difficult thoughts and feelings with you in the future.

UrethraFranklin1 Sat 01-Aug-15 12:20:25

I'm not sure why its ok for you talk to Sally about it but terrible for him to talk to her about it?

Taylor22 Sat 01-Aug-15 12:23:33

I would calmly and rationally ask him to sit down with you and discuss what has come to light when he comes home.
The want for a biological child is completely natural. I wouldn't blame him at all for wanting to discuss this with someone who is outside of the immediate situation. If anything he has put your wants and needs ahead of his own by agreeing to this when its not why he wants. Which to me makes him a good guy.
You flipping out at him would make you unreasonable. Is there any way that you and him can extend your family without putting your health at risk?

drudgetrudy Sat 01-Aug-15 12:25:50

People do tend to talk to friends about their problems. He is obviously finding it difficult to discuss his feelings with you-he may feel that it would put you under pressure. Sally was in an awkward spot but I think she handled it badly. She should have told him he needed to talk to you rather than her.

Reacting angrily will make this worse-try to open up a discussion with him.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 01-Aug-15 12:27:29

yorkshapudding

He can still be supportive as well as being devastated at the same time.
He is also allowed to talk to close friends about what he feels.

OP

As above but with this added on
I would be more worried about what Sally is telling people as she is unable to a confidence. Is she now going to go back to you DH and tell him what you have said?

reni1 Sat 01-Aug-15 12:34:15

Well if it is ok for you to talk to Sally about it has to be fine if he does.

If anything I would be angry with Sally if I was him for telling you about their conversation.

MustBeLoopy390 Sat 01-Aug-15 12:35:55

He's always said that dd is 'like' his own, and has always treat her as such but has never hidden the fact that he still wanted a bio dd as well. His views on sterilisation were that it was for the best because of the issues I have while pregnant and the births, he'd even said he was more than happy having 3 children and didn't think we would manage well with 4. I'm starting to think this was all to save my feelings rather than what he wants. I agree Sally could have been a little more tactful but I'm very glad to know. The issue I had with him talking to Sally was him saying one thing to me and another behind my back, I wouldn't have minded at all if he had said the same he had to me or even if it was before we had fully discussed it and been referred. I'm going to sit him down once the DCs are in bed to discuss all this, I'd like to know if there's anything else he needs to tell me.

googoodolly Sat 01-Aug-15 12:41:13

Why is acceptable for you to talk to her about it, but it's not acceptable for your DH to do the same?

You can't flip out at your husband for confiding in the same friend you've confided in yourself - that's horribly hypocritical and unfair. I think your husband has made a big sacrifice when he wants his own biological DC - that's totally normal. How many times are women on here told to leave when their partners don't want DC before it's too late? Your DH has stayed - that means he loves you a hell of a lot, but he's made one massive sacrifice in the process.

You need to sit him down and TALK. No judgements, no shouting, no flipping out, just conversation and understanding from both sides. It's not an easy conversation when you're both on different sides, but it's one that needs to happening before anything irreversible happens.

MimiSunshine Sat 01-Aug-15 12:41:39

Well it sounds like he rationally and logically knows the sterilisation is for the best but emotionally he is conflicted.
That seems like a pretty normal way to feel and behave. He's allowed to be devastated that the door on a future possible DD will be closed while accepting it's the right thing to do.

googoodolly Sat 01-Aug-15 12:44:22

X-post. Talking to him is good - he obviously understands what you've been through, but that doesn't mean he can't still want his own biological child as well. It must be really tough to come to terms with the fact that he won't ever be able to have anymore children when he wants them, though.

MustBeLoopy390 Sat 01-Aug-15 12:44:40

He has 2 bio dc, we have 2 ds's together. I can see why it would be unreasonable for me to be annoyed if he had told Sally the same as me, I really can, but I can't see why him effectively lying to his wife about his feelings to be truthful to a friend isn't vv unreasonable, and that is why I'm so bloody angry with him

PtolemysNeedle Sat 01-Aug-15 12:47:11

If he's been open with you about wanting his own dd, then it's not as if he's told her something that he hasn't told you, so I wouldn't be upset about that. I think sometimes it can be helpful to talk to friends that are equal friends to both halves of a couple as they are less likely to be biased and they'll care about the relationship rather than just one of you.

I don't think it would be fair to be angry at your DH for getting a bit of support from a friend, that just what friends do. Maybe he has tried to save your feelings, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't mean that he won't have his own feelings that he wants to share with someone as well. People have conflicting feelings sometimes, and your DH probably does think it's for the best that you stick at three and he probably is very happy with the children he has, but that doesn't mean his desire for a daughter is automatically going to go away. After all, there are often posts on here from women who have decided that they shouldn't have any more children but they still feel broody.

I think you're doing the right thing by talking to him about it when you can later, but try not to go in there accusing him of doing something wrong.

googoodolly Sat 01-Aug-15 12:48:02

Yes, he shouldn't have lied, but I think it was a case of not wanting to hurt you rather than anything malicious. He obviously knows sterilisation is the most sensible decision, but that doesn't mean he can't find it a hard decision as well.

WaggleBee Sat 01-Aug-15 12:48:54

So he wants you to keep getting pregnant on the off chance that one might be a girl? Even though your pregnancies have been difficult. Then discusses that with someone else? Is he always this devoid of sense or just spectacularly thick?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 01-Aug-15 12:49:11

Apart from anything else why does he think you'll actually conceive a daughter rather than another boy?

Bakeoffcake Sat 01-Aug-15 12:51:35

He should have told you his feelings but maybe he's worried you'll change your mind about the sterilisation and deep down he knows it's the right thing for you to do?

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