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To wonder if I'm second class in this friendship and what I can do about it - need answers PDQ please!

(22 Posts)
TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 01:23:03

This is quite trival and LONG (but don't want to drip feed, and I need your rational voice NOW, please) I had a BF when I was younger, but moved house. We lost touch, but met again as adults and are very good friends now - she's one of my BFFs, but lives miles away. We see each other every few months. But we are close.

We're both married and both have a DD each.

We were up late and talking (as we do) one night, and it was about parenting, which is what we talk about most, and I said "two jobs as a parent - you teach them to ride a bike and you teach them to swim". And she said "I can't do either, and nor can DD". And I was "oh fuck" and back-peddling (I live in a place where EVERYONE rides a bike, so it is a big thing here, and swimming to me is basic safety). So anyway, in our drunken 3am state, we worked out that a joint holiday where I teach her DD to swim would be the same price as swimming lessons. (I am a good swimmer)

We broke it to our OHs the next morning, and they were up for it, and her PROPER BFF (they were at Uni together in the town they still live in) heard about it and was up for it too. We leave tomorrow.

So tomorrow I have to drive up to where they live (there really is a reason I'm up so late the day before I do this!), then get up at 3am to leave for their local airport.

It was arranged - yonks ago - that I would drive my friend, her DH and their DD as well as my two to the airport, where we would meet her real BFF, real BFF's DH and DD. I raised at the time that my car has a MASSIVE boot when it seats 5, but a minimal when when it seats the 7 it can take. I'm taking 6.

For various reasons, we're not going to get to theirs until late tomorrow night (9 ish - remember, we leave at 4am!)

So I've raised afresh that I would struggle to take all the cases and hand luggage for two families as well as taking two families. The email was ignored.

So I sent ANOTHER email last night saying again I think we'll struggle to get everything in my car. I get an email this morning from my BFF's DH saying possibly they could give one of their suitcases to the other family. (which I reply to saying 'great').

I then get an email from my BFF saying: It's OK. No need to say again and that they have one small suitcase, and hand luggage small enough to go by feet or on knees.

I will just say again… when my car seats 5 we have a massive boot. When it seats 7 it’s titchy. We’re seating 6, so there’s nothing and a half.

A suitcase stood up (on the narrow sides of the rectangle) will sit behind the seat no 6. Getting the other 3 in will be ok on the space that is the big boot. There will be ZERO space for hand luggage.

I did say this initially.^

So my AIBU is, I feel like a second class citizen/chauffeur. I'M the one driving to the airport (at 4 am, having driven 250 miles the night before, but my worries are initially ignored and then she and her best friend have discussed and sorted it. The line that gets me is her first one: "no need to say it again"
Like I'm nagging.

I feel like it's #them and us# (with me being driver, swimming instructor, etc) before we even leave.

So what if anything do I do? I'd like to send a snippy email, akin to "no need to raise it again", but without putting a cloud over the holiday. If I ignore (which is what DH would tell me to do if I told him about this) in the spirit of having a nice holiday together, am I not already a minority in the relationship.

I leave at 4pm. Please help me be assertive without ruining the holiday for everyone!

Vatersay Sat 01-Aug-15 01:29:41

You are going yo have to pick up the phone an actually talk to her tomorrow morning. Not having enough space for luggage isn't something that can be ignored!

Why don't you put your cases in the boot and then take a photo and then call her to discuss.

TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 01:34:29

Thank you soooo much for reading such a long post. She's sorted it - she's giving one of her suitcases to the other family who are going, my issue is that she just didn't bother to tell me that she'd done this until she (in a PA way ) told me to stop nagging about it because she had "sorted" it.

antimatter Sat 01-Aug-15 01:35:04

Why can't they take taxi to the airport?

NewFlipFlops Sat 01-Aug-15 01:41:03

I don't think it's them versus you. I think she can tell you are very worried so is trying to set your mind at ease. Definitely do as Vatersay says, but the long drive was already a given so I don't think it should be contributing to this particular stress factor.

PlayNice Sat 01-Aug-15 01:42:52

To me, it sounds like you're worried that you'll be a second class citizen and you're reading too much into things because of that. The thing is, I feel like you might create that situation for yourself if you give your friend reason to think there's bad feeling. Her instinct will most probably be to go to her other friend and gossip about it.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself and for the holiday is to decide that you're not going to be a second class citizen, because you're awesome, and you have your great family there, and you're doing your friend a lovely favour. They are closer, but equally, you have anecdotes they won't have heard, and history they don't have. Decide to like them and like being there, and that's how they'll respond to you. Go in defensive, and I worry that they'll pick up on it, and you can't always trust people to respond maturely when they feel judged.

Your friend was careless in her wording; that's all. Doesn't mean she's not excited to see you and spend time with you, or that she sees you as any less a valid partner in the holiday. Don't spoil it for yourself by creating bad feeling now. Be excited. It sounds like you'll have a great time. Check the luggage fits. If not, ask them to shove a few more bits in the other family's car. I see why you're beginning to stress, but offering to drive doesn't mean you're some sort of chauffeur - just that you're a nice and accommodating friend. By all means, stand up for yourself if you do feel like she starts to take the piss, but I don't see that here.

Go in with a positive attitude, look forward to having a glass of wine and a chat with the two other women, and I doubt you'll feel sidelined at all.

PlayNice Sat 01-Aug-15 01:45:16

I hope that reads okay. Heinously tired, just wanted to chime in.

TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 01:45:25

Thank you, thank you, thank you, playnice. They ARE lovely women. I love my friend and her BF, so you're right.

I will not stress.

p.s - opps... outed myself. Bugger!

NewFlipFlops Sat 01-Aug-15 01:45:44

Brilliant advice from PlayNice.

TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 01:46:26

Sleep well and long, playnice. Well and long. I wish I could be allowed to too, but have to wait up to ferry DD home. She's so tired.....

FixItUpChappie Sat 01-Aug-15 01:56:57

I thought her message was nice overall - yes don't read too much into it.....people get frazzled when packing and getting ready to away with always a thousand little tasks to deal with - remember she's got a 5 year old underfoot too.

Have a great fun trip OP thanks

TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 02:04:49

Ok. Thank you.

I can go to bed now, so I will. But I appreciate all of you who've taken the time to read and comment.

Vatersay Sat 01-Aug-15 02:16:00

I'm glad it's sorted out.

Have a super holiday, drive carefully!

SoreArms Sat 01-Aug-15 10:36:29

Yes I don't think he msg was too bad - she was likely joking about 'no need to say it again' comment but tone is hard to gauge on texts and email...hope you have a fab holiday

LaurieFairyCake Sat 01-Aug-15 10:39:21

It doesn't matter at all. If it doesn't fit they don't take it - it's not like you didn't warn her.

Have a fantastic holiday smile

TryToEngageBrainFirst Sat 01-Aug-15 10:45:21

Brilliant, Laurie. You're so right!!!!

Thank you all so much, those are brilliant answers and have given me a totally different perspective.

I'm going to ask MNHQ to pull the thread because I've outed myself (don't know if they will though), but thanks all so much.

TRexingInAsda Sat 01-Aug-15 12:08:07


Tryharder Sat 01-Aug-15 12:18:15

FGS don't send any snippy texts in shouty capital letters. That would piss me off if I were your friend. You've raised the issue that space is tight and they've heard you and planned accordingly.

They'll have to have suitcases on knees if need be. You'll manage. TBH, you are trying to micromanage. The suitcases will either fit or they won't. But luggage allowances being what they are, people generally travel light these days and I'm sure you'll squash stuff in somehow.

Have a good holiday.

rollonthesummer Sat 01-Aug-15 12:35:12

So anyway, in our drunken 3am state, we worked out that a joint holiday where I teach her DD to swim would be the same price as swimming lessons. (I am a good swimmer

Is she paying for the holiday?

Boysclothes Sat 01-Aug-15 13:03:34

She's just riffing off your email that she's replying to.... I can see you've written "sorry to raise it again". Just word play.

You are sounding a leetle bit hard work. It'll be great! The suitcases will absolutely fit. It won't be them and us. Relax!!

Leggytadpole Sat 01-Aug-15 13:18:59

If you've offered to give swimming lessons and drive to the airport I can't really see why you'd then feel like a 'second class citizen' because of this. I can't really see the problem with the email either, but for clarification I'd probably have phoned about the suitcases rather than emails pinging back and forth. It's easy to misread or read between the lines issues that aren't really there. I'm sure there isn't any 'them and is' at play, just try to relax and enjoy your holiday.

whois Sat 01-Aug-15 13:41:53

If you're driving at least you don't have to have suitcases on top of you :-)

Pile then onto the adults of the other family. Job done.

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