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Mother hood guilt

(14 Posts)
ginorwine Fri 31-Jul-15 17:41:12

Whilst being very sociable am also an introvert who rebuild s self by time alone and quiet .
When the dc were small dh took them out for an afternoon a week so that I could have time as I was stay at home pArent .
I now have teens .
They are fab . Intresting , out and about , happy , noisey !!!
I startle easily if in own world and as teens play music , suddenly turn up with mad requests and pals in tow , coupled with a ds who is mainly in and out - often in - on gap year but works evenings , I'm comming in from work and I can't get any alone time .
I don't mean to be selfish - I'd rather skip a meal for eg and be alone if I cd get this more as I so value it and it makes me feel well . If I do nt I get a bit unbalanced !
I've tried to retire to my bed room at times but x box and a group of albeit lovely lads next door doesn't cut it .i was watching tv the other day and lovely ds slumped across me to say hi - I know I will miss it but my mind was leave me alone mode !!
I thought about getting up early to have quiet , but both teens tootle round the house till midnight and although they are v quiet it wakes me .
I've got myself in a tizz and feel guilty as I'm starting to get a bit teary now . Why didn't I think of this before I had dc . ? I feel horrid as I love them but admit I seek to avoid them .
Any stratagies other than those I have mentioned ? Any othet introvert parents out there ?
I've tried meditation to calm self each am but am resorting to wine a bit too much ! Thanks

CoogerAndDark Fri 31-Jul-15 17:46:32

It's difficult, isn't it? You want them to be able to have their mates round and do their own thing but you need your own space.
Can you revert to one afternoon a week where they take themselves out, no mates round etc for a set amount of time?

LilyMayViolet Fri 31-Jul-15 17:48:26

I'm not especially introverted but I love having quiet time alone. Luckily all my family do! Why don't you go out for a quiet coffee or a walk?

haveabreakhaveakitkat Fri 31-Jul-15 18:28:42

Going through the same here with older dc's. Love them to bits but find their constant coming and going and kitchen visits exhausting. The other day I was in the kitchen batch cooking and listening to my very boring mid morning radio programme. It was the last day of term and I was enjoying the last bit of freedom before 8 year old dd was on hols. In walked older dd (who broke up from college a few weeks ago) with friends playing loud music on phones, shrieking etc. They sat at the dining table a few feet away and after a few minutes I asked them to take it up to dd's room. I'm an introvert too and could probably spend a week alone before missing anyone! It's really hard. Going for walks is a good idea, It clears your head at least.

purplemurple1 Fri 31-Jul-15 18:34:24

Could you afford an occasional night or weekend away to recharge?

When we were all teens my mum would just go to room to read and play her own music loud when she needed to get away.
Or take the dog out for a long walk with a flask of tea.

Would any of that work for you?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba Fri 31-Jul-15 18:46:57

oh I understand.
we have 7 children aged 1 -14.
there's always someone "bothering" me.
which is why I stay up late, to get a bit of peace and quiet thatcI crave so much, but it is like shooting myself in the foot, I'm always exhausted, grumpy and irritated. but I have to have need me-time. even if it's between 11pm - 2am.
then I have 5 hr sleep. far from ideal.

I love them dearly but increasingly I just want them all to leave me be.
I don't have a solution.

ginorwine Fri 31-Jul-15 19:02:21

I'm so glad to be able to share this !
I sort of feel different to other parents as tho I love them dearly I'm struggling to be with them . Then when I get free time I don't want to see friends as I need quiet . So getting bit more distant from good friends too.and dh ! I
I've started to get angry w myself for having kids as I'm always trying to escape . My d d just said you don't like any noise do you mum . I tried to joke and say u know what I'm like . I have explained that not having quiet is like my dd not having her music . I feel so boring to them . My ds said well you have just had quiet . He thinks if I've had quiet that's it . Like doing housework n not expecting it to be done again - it needs to be regular .
Have tried walks . I crave to be in the house alone . On walks I meet people!

ginorwine Fri 31-Jul-15 19:03:11

Purple ! Flask of tea sounds good !!!!

Vatersay Fri 31-Jul-15 19:06:22

What about going for a drive somewhere pretty would that help?

Sleepybunny Fri 31-Jul-15 19:20:55

A friend of mines father had a summer house built in the garden for this exact reason. It was his sanctuary.

Maybe a bit of an expense, but of you feel so strongly about it?

haveabreakhaveakitkat Fri 31-Jul-15 19:38:52

I'm terrified that at the point I get an empty nest the children will start producing grandchildren. I sometimes regret having children, not something that's easy to admit. Love them all but in different ways they all suck the life out of me.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba Fri 31-Jul-15 19:42:48

btw I have always hated noise. never listen to the radio or have the TV on as background noise.
I can't stand whistling or sound of a bouncing ball, clicking and flicking noises, beeping etc.

I used to think I was neurotic or overreacting and my mum used to scold me for not being tolerant of others (confused ) but then I had a hearing test a few years ago and was diagnosed with hyperacusis (over sensitive hearing).
there's nothing I can do about it. no cure, no remedy, it won't get better ir worse. the consultant said "you just have to put up with it"

great, thanks

noise exhaustes me. It's like never being able to use sunglasses and your eyes are fatigued by constant bright sunshine - only for my ears.
like there's a filter missing.
and guess what, I'm not allowed to use earplugs.

oh well.

if any of that is similar to how you are with noise get your hearing tested

ginorwine Fri 31-Jul-15 21:42:36

Have a break - you have put what I feel into words . Something I srtuggle to admit to myself . That much as I love them I actually feel the life is sucked out of me too . Such a horrible feeling . It makes me question myself why I didn't know this about myself . And guilt that I feel it .when I see large noisy families meeting with adult children and their dc I think oh no ! My d d is still a teen but is actually broody ! She plans to get her a levels but argh . The idea of having dd her bf and their dc live with us ....terrifies me , wd loose my sanity . She has already said she wants me to help look after her dc and that I will be a good g mother. ! I do give my kids a lot but at expense to myself and I could never say to any friend in R l that I wish I'd not taken this path . I live in fear of dc not leaving home and have told dh that if they come back I will have to rent a flat . I hide this as I do love them , it's me .
Zing - I hear more than others in my family who seem unaware of the fact we live in a terraced house and I can hear next door talking . The world is too noisy for me ! At night I wear ear plugs and ear muffs and can still hear !!!!

ginorwine Fri 31-Jul-15 21:46:49

Zing re radio and tv as back ground .
I hate the radio and could never have the tv as background noise as I don't understand why any one wd want background noise ! Radio or tv unless I'm concentrating on the latter makes me all disorientated . The family switch the radio off when I come I to the room but I can hear it when they have it on from another room anyway which had actually made me v unsettled . Argh . I feel odd one out a lot .

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