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To think this couldn't possibly have been planned?

(44 Posts)
happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 13:23:34

Going to keep this fairly short. Shortly before Valentine's Day, DP and I found out we were expecting our first child together (I have one 5 yr old DD already) and we figured I was already about 8 weeks. We wanted to tell his family straight away but we knew DPs sister had just gotten engaged the week before and that her engagement party was the following day, we didn't want to steal her thunder, so we decided to wait until a few days afterwards. His parents were happy enough, so we're mine, we phoned his sister (she lives 300miles away, face to face not an option) and she went ballistic, pretty much saying DPs life was over (he's 24) and that he would never travel or take a holiday or progress at work, and that it was alright for me to get myself in a mess because my life was already written off because of my DD, but that she wanted better for him, before we hung up we managed to give her a due date. Fast forward a couple of weeks and she has picked the date for her wedding! Which is the same day as our baby is due. And since then people on DPs side of the family seem to have forgotten that the due date was determined before the date of her wedding, but have told us 'we could have planned this better' and have generally had the attitude that I'm ruining her big day, especially as DP has said that unless the baby is at least a week old, neither of us will be coming to the wedding, as its too far from our hospital and he won't risk missing the birth. They think I'm forcing him to miss it. I'm not, I have my mum as back up birth partner and he could make it back in time, it was his choice.

So, am I the unreasonable one here?

Pedestriana Fri 31-Jul-15 13:26:42

YABU - SIL is being an arse.
Babies don't tend to operate to a schedule, and your DP has the right as an adult to decide where he wants to be (wedding or birth of child).

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Fri 31-Jul-15 13:28:55

SiL is clearly being ridiculous (and hurtful)

TheRealAmyLee Fri 31-Jul-15 13:34:58

YADNBU - Your SIL is likely jealous. You were considerate and thoughtful. Sounds like you need to point out to people that if they count back they will see that you were already pregnant before her engagement party let alone before she set the date.

Congratulations flowers

RunsWithScissors Fri 31-Jul-15 13:41:33

Sounds like you've got a great DP there :-)

AmyLouKin Fri 31-Jul-15 13:41:53

Congratulations to you both. Wonderful news. You are not being unfair, your sister in law is being a plonker! When you have that baby you won't care a jot about her and her wedding! She is cutting off her nose to spite her face by setting her wedding date to clash with the birth, as she is loosing out on having her brother there! She may be getting married but you are creating a new life! I know which one I find more impressive! ��

happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 13:43:44

AmyLee, her (actually very lovely) fiancé hadn't even popped the question when I conceived, which is why their attitude is so baffling. She's the favourite child of three though, the only one who has done everything in the 'right order', e.g got married before having children. Apparently she was similarly judgemental when her elder sister had her children.

Sighing Fri 31-Jul-15 13:44:09

Congratulations flowers
She really kicked off there. Let your DH remind them dates don't work like that. Keep clear of that situation and let her cool her needy heels. Does she always court drama?

Finola1step Fri 31-Jul-15 13:44:14

DP - good.
DP's sister- baaad.
I would keep minimal contact with her, through DP only. She's a peach.

Finola1step Fri 31-Jul-15 13:44:52

And congratulations flowers

Sighing Fri 31-Jul-15 13:45:55

Sorry cross posted: "Right order". Snort. Life is going to shock her one day with it's tendency to go awry!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Fri 31-Jul-15 13:47:00

It sounds to me like jealousy. Although you were very careful and considerate about not stealing her thunder, it sounds like she wanted to be the first to do everything (marriage and kids etc) and she's sulking because her brother beat her to it. Booking her wedding for your due date suggests she wants to have all the limelight on her.
Just ignore her and the in laws. You have a wonderful partner, and the arrival of your baby to look forward to.

happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 13:48:18

I'm very lucky, she lives in London, we live in the arse end of nowhere and so I only have to see her a handful of times a year. When she does come down though, DPs (overindulgent) father rolls out the red carpet and cooks the whole weekend so she has all the things she loves to eat, but the first thing she does when she turns up is go to bed every time, even if she's turned up at 1pm, she'll sleep all afternoon and we'll be sat around waiting for her to grace us with her presence. I suppose I can't blame her for her princess's behaviour, because that is how she has always been treated

BitchBags Fri 31-Jul-15 13:52:05

Yanbu. Excuse my language but your sil sounds like a right jelous bitch! What a cow, she sounds like the one who is trying to steal your thunder, not the other way round.

happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 13:53:04

I've told DP it's probably jealously, I know she'd love to have children but she has waited so long to do everything 'properly'. Both DP and his eldest sister (who by the way is fantastic and down to earth) had children in their 20s without being married, she went to university, has a job in the city, was with her DP about 7 years before he proposed and now they want to get married and move out of London before they have kids. I admire her life plan, I really do, but we like our life, we are looking forward to this baby, we're happy, the 'right order' for her isn't right for us!! DP doesn't think she's jealous, just concerned for him, but was not at all happy with the things she has said

morelikeguidelines Fri 31-Jul-15 13:58:03


What therealamy said.

seagreengirl Fri 31-Jul-15 13:59:35

the first thing she does when she turns up is go to bed every time, even if she's turned up at 1pm, she'll sleep all afternoon and we'll be sat around waiting for her to grace us with her presence

Who actually does this, some peoples behaviour is astounding. OP You are definitely NBA. Please don't let her spoil your lovely pregnancy.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Fri 31-Jul-15 14:03:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 14:08:27

I don't know, it annoys me that she gets away with it really, we're all sat there like we're expecting a visit from the Queen herself, I'm surprised she doesn't float in, nose in the air and give us a royal wave or something. I just wish her father could see that we didn't plan this to stop DP going to the wedding. He thinks I'm ridiculous not to go to the wedding, but I haven't had the baby, I'll be full term, pretty much nothing fits me now, let alone in 8 weeks time, he thinks we just need to put hospital bag in the car, and make our way to the local hospital if anything happens, which I'll have never seen before. Mind you, he's also the man that has done nothing but tell me off for pregnancy weight gain because he wants me to 'look good on DPs arm' (I'm 32 weeks and have put on a grand total of 6lb so far)

whippy33 Fri 31-Jul-15 14:09:30

Congratulations, hopefully your baby will come early and you can attend with your DP. That way everyone will be cooing over the new born baby and less so over will p* her off big time to see her plan foiled and someone stealing her thunder!!

Hissy Fri 31-Jul-15 14:10:19

it was alright for me to get myself in a mess because my life was already written off because of my DD, but that she wanted better for him

For that reason alone I would tell her to shove her own head back up her arse. How DARE she refer to your DD as having messed up your life, how dare she say her DB has messed up by associating himself with you both and now with your own child.

If I were you I would read her the riot act myself and tell her to get over herself and that actually you won't be able to attend her wedding as you'd prefer to focus on people that make a positive contribution and impact on your lives.

As for the idiotic 'plan it better' comments - just look at them and ask if they are aware how babies are made and how long they take to come to term. suggest that the question may be better put to Bridezilla as her wedding is any date she wants it to be, your due date is beyond your control entirely.

Fluffy24 Fri 31-Jul-15 14:12:36

Ooft YABVU - didn't you have the decency to question all the friends/relatives of marriageable age to check that they weren't planning to get married? I think it's a symptom of a general selfishness in society today that people imagine they can go around conceiving children without consulting the whole family!! grin

Seriously though, I wouldn't worry. Seems like her wedding was arranged quite there any particular reason? Could she have been wanting to have had first baby in the family maybe?

VashtaNerada Fri 31-Jul-15 14:13:47

She is being ridiculous. I would say that 'hopefully' you can come but it depends when the baby arrives. When they press for a definite response say in that case it will have to be a no [ironicsadface]. Anyway, your baby may well end up upstaging her wedding and she'll realise she's been an idiot!

BitterChocolate Fri 31-Jul-15 14:16:03

Why don't you point out that the proposal hadn't happened when you conceived every single time that planning is mentioned? Prefaced by "Don't be ridiculous ..."

Can you spend less time in your DP's father's company? He sounds like a PITA.

happymummyone Fri 31-Jul-15 14:17:13

I did have my DD young, I was 18, my parents helped me find a nice place to rent and I loved with her dad for a while, well things didn't work out but he has a nice house and a lovely GF who treats my DD like a princess. They get on well with my DP and are happy and supportive about the new baby. We're all in our mid 20s and have made the best of the situation we are in. I worked until I got pregnant (that's a whole other story as to why DPs dad is a grade A tool) with this current baby and me and partner are happily living in a nice house in a nice village. I don't know how she can look at us and say we've fucked up our lives, she'd only need to pull her head out of her backside to see we haven't!

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