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To give dd to her father full time so I can go university elsewhere in country?

(366 Posts)
Sarahblack1 Fri 31-Jul-15 09:21:44

Honest opinions please, no matter how harsh they are.

I want to go to university to do a course in Social Work. I be 27 years old by September next year. My daughter is 3, her father lives in the next town and she sees him once a week, he rarely her overnight even though I have tried to encourage more contact. I asked him recently if he enjoys having her overnight, the reply was "Its ok." That does concern me.

If I do not get into the nearest university which is 40 minutes away, I will be looking into moving away. Part of the reason I want to do this course is so I can provide a better life for myself and my daughter in the future.

She has audiology appointments, speech and language soon and I think it be better for her if she stayed in the South of the country. She be starting school next year...I feel it be easier for her to stay with her father. When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.

Would it be wrong of me to expect her father to step up? Is everyone going look down on me for not being the primary parent? I cannot really take her with me because it would mean moving away from family so no childcare help etc etc.

Hopefully I get into the nearby university but would it be foolish of me to leave my daughter behind?

PenelopePitstops Fri 31-Jul-15 09:22:46

Very foolish.

SaucyJack Fri 31-Jul-15 09:23:36

Do you want an honest opinion?

Methe Fri 31-Jul-15 09:23:46

Foolish if you could be expecting for her to come back to you when you've finished the course.

ilovesooty Fri 31-Jul-15 09:25:03

I'd simply consider your daughter's welfare. Why does it matter what anyone else thinks about your being the primary parent? Your child's happiness is the only important issue.

grabaspoon Fri 31-Jul-15 09:25:36

Would I be unreasonable to have my child move in with her father who doesn't want the responsibility of having her overnight regularly.


BreacaBoudica Fri 31-Jul-15 09:26:03

Why not study with the OU? I won't slam you for doing what so many men do but it would kill me to leave my son with his dad and see him what, weekly, fortnightly? A child will remember a parent not choosing them and it will affect the relationship for ever, I think.

Petradreaming Fri 31-Jul-15 09:26:15

Absolutely not. Sorry. No.

gordonpym Fri 31-Jul-15 09:26:45

Do you love her?

Itsmine Fri 31-Jul-15 09:26:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShesAStar Fri 31-Jul-15 09:27:05

Your DD won't feel secure if you leave her with her father who has very little contact. I know you have been trying to make him 'step up' but it sounds from your post that he doesn't want to. I feel so sorry for your DD - it seems that she is not very wanted by you or your partner? Can you do an open university course? Or wait until she starts school and work around her?

KittensOnAPlane Fri 31-Jul-15 09:27:17

i dont think you would be any way U to leave your daughter with a caring father

However, from what you write, he doesn't sound very caring to me, that would be my only alarm bell. Its normally best for a child to stay with a parent, whether its the father or the mother, i dont suppose it matters really.

it might be a wrench to go from once a week to full time, how often would you come back to see her? Is it really not possible to move her? or delay for a year or so?

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jul-15 09:28:00

what ?

dobedobedo Fri 31-Jul-15 09:28:12

Don't do it.

KittensOnAPlane Fri 31-Jul-15 09:28:23

OU would be the best bet here i think too (echoing the other posters)

TheVeryThing Fri 31-Jul-15 09:28:26

Her father does not sound like a very involved or committed parent - why would you send your daughter to live with him?
I don't think that removing a child from their primary carer is a good idea, unless absolutely necessary.
I agree that your daughter's welfare is the only important issue here.

Bellebella Fri 31-Jul-15 09:28:28

If you do want honest opinions I would think it is foolish to leave your 3 year old behind with her dad who at the moment only sees her once a day. I know my DS loves his dad but he would be pretty miserable if I just moved to another part of the country, I would never do it to him. I don't know how any parent can tbh, you also can be pretty sure your daughter is unlikely to want to live with you again after.

You can do university with a child, there are things there to help you afford childcare or you could possibly do it part time?

SnakeyMcBadass Fri 31-Jul-15 09:31:10

Honestly? The fact that you are considering this seriously suggests that you aren't very bonded to your daughter. It happens. She needs a loving, attentive parent and if you can't do that, then making sure she has one is vital. However, if her father is as uninterested as he sounds, you need to find another alternative.

HagOtheNorth Fri 31-Jul-15 09:31:26

'When I finished the course, if she wants to live with me again then that be fine but I know she may not want to.'

How important is your child to you? Her happiness, security and wellbeing?
You plan on dumping her on an indifferent father and becoming a social worker?
How soon before she's in the system, do you think?

ghostyslovesheep Fri 31-Jul-15 09:31:28

the uni is 40 minuets away? and you want to move? My commute is longer than that !

why not stay put and travel 40 mins?

loveliesbleeding1 Fri 31-Jul-15 09:31:38

You must know your dd comes first, before anything in life, including education.

Glitoris Fri 31-Jul-15 09:32:21

I think you'd be foolish to leave any child with any man that not only doesn't seek extra contract,but has to be 'encouraged' to use the contact he has.

I think you'd be foolish to leave any child who requires additional appointments etc with any man who can't be arsed to see her more than once a week as it is.

I think you'd be foolish to think that your daughter wouldn't feel this as abandonment,if her primary carer just up-sticks and moves off.

I think you'd be foolish to try to convince yourself that this would be a better option for her.She needs you now.

I think you'd be worse than foolish,actually.I think you'd be selfish.

HagOtheNorth Fri 31-Jul-15 09:32:30

Can you find another member of your family to foster her?

Chocolateorangegirl Fri 31-Jul-15 09:32:46

If you do have to move away to study a lot of universities offer onsite nurseries etc, would that not be worth exploring? you won't be the first person with this problem, chat to student services and see what your options are.

PtolemysNeedle Fri 31-Jul-15 09:33:12

YABVU. How do you expect to provide for your child and call yourself a parent if you're not workng and not looking after her?

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