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To ask what you might think of this

(24 Posts)
Seafoodsmyfavourite Thu 30-Jul-15 18:43:58

If you knew two siblings in their 30s, very different people living very different lives, neither of whom had ever been in a long or even short term relationship.

Coincidence or would you think linked to upbringing?

QuestioningStuff Thu 30-Jul-15 18:46:50

I would assume something happened in their childhood to be honest.

crustsaway Thu 30-Jul-15 18:48:50

There could be 100's of reasons why? Id not necessarily link it to upbringing.

LetThereBeCupcakes Thu 30-Jul-15 18:49:38

I know siblings like this. In their case they were brought up with very, very old fashioned views which I think puts potential partners off. They both have masses of friends though and are truly lovely people.

Vatersay Thu 30-Jul-15 18:54:24

I know two sets of siblings like this. All bright, intelligent, charming, interesting, good looking, outgoing people.

One set I'm fairly sure their parents divorce messed them up.

The other set I have no idea. I've obviously never raised it with them but it does seem odd that neither of them have ever had any kind of relationship.

OswaldisMissing Thu 30-Jul-15 19:03:52

In the case of the siblings I know really well, there are complicated reasons which stem from their childhoods and how they were raised.

As adults, they tend to keep their relationships with all people, romantic or otherwise at arms length. They are fiercely independent and although they may wish to be in relationships, at the same time they find them stifling and and a compromise to their sense of self.

From what I know, there is a desire to be in a relationship and it isn't a lack of offers, but more not knowing how to undo some of what was "programmed" while they were growing up to achieve that.

I would say that the siblings I know are naturally introvert, which I guess would have a bearing on this too.

Not sure I've done a good job of explaining this but am trying to describe it in a neutral way. Given the society we live in, it is really easy to make a judgement given our own frames of reference. If it adds anything, they are in good places in life, and are happy, sociable, loved etc.

Perhaps there is also an element of not settling for just anyone.

OswaldisMissing Thu 30-Jul-15 19:07:40

Thinking about this more, the siblings I know are fiercely private, so there may well have been relationships, dates and flings that aren't "public" knowledge.

I do respect that not everyone wishes their affairs to be discussed in public. I do know a few people who guard their privacy in this way, but I do tend to socialise with a fairly geeky, introvert crowd.

Seafoodsmyfavourite Thu 30-Jul-15 19:09:31

Thanks. I am one of the two siblings concerned. Think it must be from childhood.

Sazzle41 Thu 30-Jul-15 19:29:28

I'd be thinking childhood emotional or physical abuse resulting in poor self esteem, fear of intimacy and huge trust issues. Or, maybe no-one is good enough and its perfectonism/romanticised ideal of 'perfect' partner ??

Sazzle41 Thu 30-Jul-15 19:32:38

From my one exp, I'd also suggest if you had rigid or controlling parents you will have an intrinsic fear of a relationship repeating that dynamic. You equate relationships with control and emotional abuse because that was imprinted on you with your first ever parental relationship and often, people do repeat that 'pattern' because its familiar or all they know.

Noodledoodledoo Thu 30-Jul-15 19:43:55

I am married to such a sibling - it has had its moments as my presence has disrupted the status quo of the family unit so to speak.

I think it was childhood situations that led to it rather than upbringing - although there are certain elements of personality which have been passed on. I think it was a combination of the two.

Noodledoodledoo Thu 30-Jul-15 19:45:19

Sazzle41 none of your possibilities tie in with my OH.

Seafoodsmyfavourite Thu 30-Jul-15 19:46:22

Umm but noodle if he's married to you then he doesn't fit in with what I'm saying!

Noodledoodledoo Thu 30-Jul-15 19:49:41

He did until he met me - I was his first girlfriend in his mid 30's.

OswaldisMissing Thu 30-Jul-15 19:55:01

Perhaps not having been in a relationship is not the thing to focus on here.

I would be more interested in whether you are happy in your day to day life, and whether you are fulfilled with your career, social life etc.

When you say, it must be from childhood, do you feel there is something that stops you from meeting someone? Are the opportunities there?

Ultimately, I guess that no one has an idyllic childhood and all families are dysfunctional in their way. Moving forward might be more about focusing on what you want as an adult, perhaps an appropriate talking therapy would help you unpick and address this. I've had counselling in the past to help with this, and while it's not a fix, it has helped me to deal with certain things better.

OswaldisMissing Thu 30-Jul-15 19:58:37

Ultimately, out of 100 people in a similar position to you, might have 100 reasons for being where they are and Noodle makes a great point. Just because a person is in that position in their 30s, it doesn't mean they will be like that forever, we all evolve as we get older.

OswaldisMissing Thu 30-Jul-15 20:00:22

Apologies, for the terrible grammar! Brain and fingers seem to be arguing at the moment.

ExcuseMyEyebrows Thu 30-Jul-15 20:06:07

I wouldn't assume anything.

Maybe they don't want partners.

ijustwannadance Thu 30-Jul-15 20:16:56

There used to be 2 brothers in road I grew up in that lived together. Would've been in their 50's when i was a kid. Neither had married or had women (or men) in their lives. One was friend of my nan and my dad said he'd never seen him with anyone. He was gorgeous as a young man too. They had a sister too who had also never married/had a partner.

gabsdot45 Thu 30-Jul-15 20:26:45

My aunt had a very unhappy marriage, her husband was an alcoholic and he never worked, they were very poor. She has 6 children and only 2 are married. The 3 oldest girls who are all in their 40s now) never really even been in relationships.
My aunt and my mother (sisters) spoke about it and my aunt said she thinks she ruined it for them with what they saw her go through

LetThereBeCupcakes Thu 30-Jul-15 20:27:20

OP the siblings I know are pretty happy with their lives. Is that not the case for you? What would you like to change?

Seafoodsmyfavourite Thu 30-Jul-15 20:29:46

I'm happy enough but it does seem a pretty big coincidence neither of us have had a partner.

LetThereBeCupcakes Thu 30-Jul-15 20:34:00

Perhaps you are both fulfilled as it is. There are pros and cons to being in relationships.

I've been with my DH for 7 years, I love him dearly but gosh their are times when I yearn for the time when I was single, living alone and doing as I pleased!

ChunkyStory Thu 30-Jul-15 22:42:52

I wouldn't assume anything. Bad luck? Keeping their private lives private? Not wanting a partner? I wouldn't look for reasons tbh unless I had some sort of vested interest (ie I was their mother) then again I'm not that cynical/enquiring and probably naive!

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