To be annoyed by this attitude?

(30 Posts)
LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 13:34:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterDish Thu 30-Jul-15 13:44:52

Well, in fairness, the friend's father hasn't pleaded his age as an excuse for homophobia, it's your friend ascribing age-related homophobia to him. It may not even be true - I've certainly seen family members living in adulthood with their parents develop odd coping mechanisms.

Depending on the exact circumstances, your friend may be reverting to the kind of teenager who tells visiting friends not to mention smoking or boyfriends in front her parents. Not that she has any right to censor your conversation - I imagine that, no matter how sexually liberated your own family background, you would be unlikely to start an in depth discussion of BDSM performances with a virtual stranger?

And yes, I think your father was/is unusual. My father would think a safe word was something you shouted when cutting down a tree. grin

NoSOHisadealbreaker Thu 30-Jul-15 13:46:52

Yeah, I was born in the 50s and am totally insulted by the assumption that it is the birthright of people of my age to be homophobic (and racist, reactionary, yada yada). In fact, much as I hate generalising, I've always thought that baby boomers were typically inclusive and tolerant but what would I know?

And yes your family sounds super cool. Your Dad teaching you about knots for BDSM purposes? Yayyyyy Mr Smithit

And good for you in not walking into a situation where you know you will have to pander to homophobes (of any age!!)

MaidOfStars Thu 30-Jul-15 13:46:55

What does she think her Dad will do if you mention an ex-girlfriend? shock

Letsallgotobed Thu 30-Jul-15 13:50:19

His house, his rules

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 13:51:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CassieBearRawr Thu 30-Jul-15 13:53:08

YANBU. I would never ask this of a friend, in fact if anything I'd be having words with the homophobic relative beforehand warning them to keep their trap shut and be polite.

Your Dad does sound very open minded and relaxed about the subject so I wouldn't expect that level of chill from everyone you meet, but basic courtesy should be a given!

gabsdot45 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:54:41

You get homophobic people of all ages and tolerant people of all ages too. Age is irrelevent

PoppyFleur Thu 30-Jul-15 14:01:32

I think I must lead a very boring life as I have never had a conversation about my sexuality or referenced the name of ex-partners with the parents of my friends. We mostly speak about National Trust properties and cake....

I must get out more.

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:03:12

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Ruledbycatsandkids6 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:04:21

Yes age if irrelevant although I struggle to see why you would mention your sexuality or reference it in a conversation with your mates dad?

Meeting friends parents I would stick to the weather and tv choices generally and wouldn't mention what I got up to in bed.

I am a very liberal parent but even I draw the line at discussing bondage with my teens. wink

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:05:52

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LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:07:14

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AuntyMag10 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:08:59

I don't see the need to get into discussions with the parents about your past relationships, why would you. Yes your family are very open and good for you, but don't be so surprised that most people don't take it to that level with their kids in any case.

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:10:13

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RosePetels Thu 30-Jul-15 14:14:04

I hate the whole "they were born in an era" blah blah argument.
Being racist and rape was okay during that era as well, does that make it okay for someone to portray those attitudes in this era.

LilyMayViolet Thu 30-Jul-15 14:14:44

I'm a lesbian. If someone told me not to mention my DW when I went round I wouldn't go round. I can't be bothered to argue the toss though. I don't care if some people think that's extreme. When I had to live a partially closeted life it was damaging and upsetting. I won't go there again.

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:20:11

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Happy36 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:22:07

Whilst I sympathise with your friend, you are not being unreasonable at all. Let's hope that in the future your friend tackles her father about his unreasonable attitude and educates him so that he becomes more open-minded. Sorry to hear about this disappointing episode for you (and all of us who are not homophobic).

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:22:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lurkedforever1 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:49:16

I don't buy into age excusing homophobic/ racist etc opinions. The only thing it does sometimes explain is sometimes mistakenly using offensive terminology that more exposed older generations and younger ones wouldn't. Eg I know a woman in her 60's that refers to mixed race as half- caste, including her own much loved adult kids that she fought racism on behalf of in the 70's. And a 70 odd yr old who would use the term spastic in its literal descriptive sense i.e meaning someone with spasticated muscles, not as an insult. But at the same time goes mad about the word mong because in his generation it was only used as insult for downs. So your friends dad has no excuse for his hateful attitude.
Whether I was prepared to play along for my friends sake would depend on the friend. A really close one who was hugely embarrassed of her dads attitude and agreed it was offensive but try as she might hadn't been able to get it through to him he was out of order, and wanted you to keep quiet more so you aren't subject to personal abuse, I probably would go along with it, on the proviso if he brought it up I'd speak my mind rather than letting it go unchallenged.
A friend who excused it though and wanted me to be quiet for their benefit, and if the subject came up, expected me to tell outright lies whilst seething underneath I wouldn't be too concerned about offending/ not going.

LilyMayViolet Thu 30-Jul-15 14:52:18

Oh yes thanks op, I've been very, very well supported in general. It's just that over 20 years ago when I came out I wasn't protected in my workplace and even a few friends asked me not to mention my dp if they had family over. I think in some ways they were trying to protect me but anyway all good now. Out and proud and feel like everyone else now, in a good way!

Summerisle1 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:55:38

I'm another person born in the '50s who is absolutely horrified at the idea that I come from some sort of homophobic generation. Quite the opposite in fact since, without banging on about it, we were the generation that opened the doors to the kind of sexual freedom that, quite rightly, we take for granted nowadays.

What I would say is that I'm surprised your friend even raised the topic. Which leaves me wondering just how much 'referencing' your sexuality you routinely drop into conversations that don't lend themselves to any sort of intimacy at all. That said, of course you shouldn't deny any aspects of yourself.

LemonySmithit Thu 30-Jul-15 14:58:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Garlick Thu 30-Jul-15 15:06:26

YANBU, Lemony. I'm sorry your friend has asked you to hide who you are as her father would find you offensive.

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