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To want friends who think like me?

(87 Posts)
wannabehamster Thu 30-Jul-15 11:15:24

I've recently become very aware of how liberal my views are and how important that is to me. I believe in fairness to all people regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, social standing or disabilities.

The more me views solidify, the fewer people I have in my life. Friends, family and colleagues all seem to be harder to gel with if they say or do anything that flies against what I believe.

Am I being too precious, are there like minded people out there or am I fundamentally different to my immediate society? It's just so bleeding lonely and hard work.

Rubgyshapedlegs Thu 30-Jul-15 11:18:22

Can't you have friends with differing opinions? I don't mind accepting racism/sexism/homophobia etc but a dofferent perspective adds to healthy debate! I'm a socialist married to a Tory! We argue, but not about politics. That's a debate. We argue about putting the bin our and wet towels on the floor etc. Some issues span all political persuasions.

DoeEyedNear Thu 30-Jul-15 11:19:07

You're being too precious. I've got friends as far left as you can get and right through to moderate right. (I refuse to be friends with hard right thinkers!) and it's great having the variation in views.

Imo and looking at Facebook my more left leaning friends tend to be the more angry, more vocal and more judgemental of others and indeed more precious about their views.

WorraLiberty Thu 30-Jul-15 11:20:59

I don't think you're the only liberal person in the world, if that's what you're asking grin

There will be other people who think like you but much of the time, peoples views and opinions are formed by their own life experiences, and of course those will often be different to your own.

I have friends with totally different views/beliefs on some things and it's interesting to learn how/why they were formed.

Rubgyshapedlegs Thu 30-Jul-15 11:23:23

What are the reasons you've distanced yourself from former friends?

Also I have friends for different roles. Drinking buddies. Mum-friends. Work colleagues I seeon a friendly basis. Family friends. I assume they have differing opinions on things. I'm v political by the way, but it's not my place to ram home my views.

GraysAnalogy Thu 30-Jul-15 11:24:01

So you believe in being liberal but not when it comes to your friends basically. They have to dance to your tune or they're out the door.

A lot of different personalities make this world go round, a lot of different views and ideas make up our society.

To be honest your post makes you sound a bit, I dunno how to describe it, so I'll just have to describe it as precious. Of course you're not 'fundamentally different' hmm

Birdsgottafly Thu 30-Jul-15 11:25:46

OP, I have the same problem.

I'm from a mixed heritage, disability and sexuality family, so I won't accept anyone as my friend, who sees my family (or others) as second class citizens.

I'm also big on animal welfare, so it's been a block to becoming really good friends with people.

Rubgyshapedlegs Thu 30-Jul-15 11:27:52

Why have such entrenched views if they make you miserable? I don't get that!

wannabehamster Thu 30-Jul-15 11:28:57

Rubgy, I guess that's it. I can't accept it, I grew up in a very prejudiced part of the UK where casual sexism and racism are seen as things to aspire to. I didn't know any better as a kid and went along with things that I am now ashamed of. I feel like accepting it now would be compromising who I want to be.

I'm very lucky to have a like minded DP but they didn't have the upbringing I did.

Doe, what constitutes hard right? Any time raises the subject of immigration, I try to change the subject as I don't want any UKIP propaganda to come out of anyone's mouth as I will lose respect for them.

I am aware that I am avoiding conversations and therefore connections as I don't want to have to hear something I don't like.

Birdsgottafly Thu 30-Jul-15 11:29:22

"" I don't mind accepting racism/sexism/homophobia""

How do you stay friends with someone who thinks your other friends/family members shouldn't exist or have the same rights, as others?

DoeEyedNear Thu 30-Jul-15 11:31:05

To me it's people who are offensive with their views. I'm central with right leaning tendencies but am quite liberal on a lot of things like gay marriage etc. I can't abide twats like Britain First, EDL etc.

I will talk to people with these views, try to understand why they're such ignorant fools but would never befriend them because those kind of views tend to be very entrenched.

wigglesrock Thu 30-Jul-15 11:32:08

Yes, you're being too precious, surely your life would be very dull if all of your friends had exactly the same ideas, beliefs, viewpoints - even if they were all as liberal as you. I'm like rubgyshapedlegs - I have different friends for different things, it works well.

My mum has some very different political views to me, so does my husband sometimes. My best friend holds a completely different view on abortion to me. We've talked about abortion, I know her reasons for her views, she doesn't impose them nor does she wish to impose them on anyone else, I still love her.

I'm old enough to withstand the fact that not everyone I know needs to agree with me.

DoeEyedNear Thu 30-Jul-15 11:32:18

I do think the left run the risk of causing problems by shutting down any discussion on immigration though. People are concerned and want to say so.

GraysAnalogy Thu 30-Jul-15 11:33:13

^ try to change the subject as I don't want any UKIP propaganda to come out of anyone's mouth as I will lose respect for them.^

Well instead of avoiding it, and doing something that will come off as rude, why don't you challenge it? You can debate with your friends. Let them see another view.

One of my friends comes out with questionable things so I counter it, he usually ends up saying fair play and has a think.

OneMillionScovilles Thu 30-Jul-15 11:35:58

OP, I have to disagree with the majority of PPs. Whilst, to me, one of the greatest pleasures in life is debating with someone who's switched on, and whose ideas you fundamentally disagree with, there's a limit.

To me, that would be 'I won't tolerate racist/homophobic speech'.

Lots of us are sickeningly left wing - I'll be your friend if you like smile

achieve6 Thu 30-Jul-15 11:37:29

wannabe "I believe in fairness to all people regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, social standing or disabilities. "

I think a lot of people do. Why would you want to be friends with someone sexist, racist, homophobic, classist or anti-disabled people?

I don't look for friends who agree with me on everything but there isn't room in my life for any of the above.

Spartans Thu 30-Jul-15 11:38:35

So you assume people will spout ukip rubbish just because they don't come across as liberal as you?

OneMillionScovilles Thu 30-Jul-15 11:39:42

achieve <applauds>

Rubgyshapedlegs Thu 30-Jul-15 11:39:57


I meant to say "I don't mean accepting racism/sexism/homophobia"

I bloody well DO mind and people with views like that are outstanding twats!!!

<gets coat>

Noteventhebestdrummer Thu 30-Jul-15 11:40:21

I agree with you.

Look at the Unitarian churches? Lots of like-minded friends to be found there and it's only as religious as you want it to be.

wannabehamster Thu 30-Jul-15 11:41:51

Grays, it's not that I don't value others opinions. I am not religious but I have people who are and that's not been a problem. Problems arise when views are expressed that victimise/belittle others beliefs. I guess I can be a little judgey about people who pre judge or make generalisations based on race or gender etc.

Birds, thank you. I'm not from that background. I'm from a very white, fairly working class, old fashioned viewed place. And I don't agree with it. I can't be friends with anyone who doesn't want to challenge it. I'll be perfectly civil and polite and never hurt or humiliate anyone who has different views to me, but I would struggle to have a meaningful relationship anyone who has those views.

wannabehamster Thu 30-Jul-15 11:42:43

Oh so many xposts, I'll try and keep up...

museumum Thu 30-Jul-15 11:44:24

There will be likeminded people around you. The quickest way to find them is to volunteer for a cause you believe in. Or even just go along to an event they organise. It doesn't have to be political - very left leaning people in my area can be found in all sorts of social places. A start might be your local Green Party newsletter, even if you're not a green supporter they tend to support lots of local social justice causes. And it doesn't have to be heavy and worthy - going to a family fun day for a local charity giving work opportunities to disabled people for example.

Seriouslyffs Thu 30-Jul-15 11:44:34

I'm surrounded by people, family included, who have pretty much the same world view as me! grin where do you work?
If you need new friends join a local political or welfare group- family who are different, we just change the subject, eye roll, tease.
It's hard if people with very different opinions want to discuss them with you, but tbh I can't be arsed and change the subject!

ButterDish Thu 30-Jul-15 11:44:48

It sounds as if you're unlucky in your circle, OP. As someone else said, you're not the only liberal around, but I imagine it could feel that way. The village I currently live in is about 99.9% unthinking 'because that's the only way real people vote' Tory, and to be honest, I'm tired of challenging casual sexism/racism and general muddle-headedness (such as EU membership somehow causing Afghan stowaways on lorries coming through Harwich). Sometimes I just want a conversation with someone who doesn't opine about the notorious dirtiness of the nearest soft play being because it's mostly used by 'the Asians' or the evils of working mothers, because I shouldn't have to provide an educational opportunity every time I open my mouth.

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