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AIBU to have said what i did to my friend?

(34 Posts)
wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:07:37

Have been pals with this lovely lady since last June, we met through my youngest daughters part time job. We were both in a low and lonely place and recovering from the devastation of our long term marriages breaking up as both our husbands had been having affairs and had been found out and then subsequently left.
Anyway my friend met this man through online dating last october and practically moved him into her house within weeks! I was wary of him and couldn't 'take' to him. He seemed shifty to me but i couldn't put my finger on it iyswim? My friend was never that keen on him but she said it was for the company as she was lonely and i never said too much about him to her but i had my reservations as he lived with his old aunt and did some cooking for her but nothing else. He was 56 years old but hadn't worked for the last 20 years but he was very mobile no physical limitations. He never had a penny to his name, nothing. Could not drive, no car and on jobseekers allowance at £60 a week. His aunt was on the rent book of the council flat he shared with her.
I used to baulk at my friend having to buy coffees etc any time they went out as he had nothing. Even my friend said to me that she was sick of having to do this but she was sure he was the best she could get as she has a lot of health issues and said nobody would want to be with her because of that. I used to try and reassure her that that was not always the case and that she was lovely, kind and funny, but it would fall in deaf ears. I used to see her when this man would go back to his own home for a couple of days each week but i must admit i did at times feel a bit like i was being slotted in when he wasnt there?
Anyway this weekend she phoned me in a right state saying that money she had in a bedroom drawer had been taken by him! Nearly £3k. The police were called, he denied it but the police said he had been caught on cctv handing over the envelope at the bookmakers near her. They charged him with theft and kept him in a cell over the weekend. He has now been let out and is begging her to give him another chance! He should not be contacting her because of bail conditions but is constantly phoning her and he has even went round to her daughters begging for a second chance with the family! He keeps saying he wont do it again and doesnt know why he did it in the first place. I can feel my pal wavering.....
I have said to her please do not let him back in, he will do it again, apparently he has a gambling addiction, and he could never been trusted. I met her today for lunch and i said i would never speak to him as i would be so wary and i would be terrified of saying anything to her in case she relayed anything back to him. I do not know who he would know and i would feel i could not even say if i was going away for a few days abd my house would be lying empty?
So my question is this. I basically told her in a round about way that i could not be friends with her if she lets that man back into her life again. I feel really terrible now as i know she needs my support! Over this last year i have been a good friend and been there for her but this is bothering me and i feel such a heel but am worried about this man!
AIBU for saying this to my friend? Thank you for taking the time to read this but i have been so upset tonight.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Thu 30-Jul-15 00:12:10

I understand why you said what you said - maybe it will help her wake up to the fact that she is better off alone than with a bf like this.

tvlover1234 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:12:44

I think I would have said the same to try to knock some sense into her!! I hope it works. What did she say once you said that?

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:18:46

She said nothing! Just tried to change the subject, but later on she did say that her other friends have said nothing and that they will stand by her whatever she decides! I just dont think like that at all! And also a few people have said to her that everone deserves a second chance. But i still dont see how in this case? That money was put away by my friend to pay for her eventual funeral, and that man knew this. He had also been looking through all her stuff as things were out of place.

Happy36 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:19:51

You were more than reasonable. Am sorry to hear this story both for your friend and yourself and I am sorry that you are so worried about her. I hope she listens to you eventually, sees sense and makes the necessary improvements in her life. You are a good friend.

achieve6 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:20:36

I think YANBU but I suspect that won't be the majority view

It's hard to be friends with people who repeat the same mistakes. She got together with him because she was lonely, well, lots of people are lonely but don't go rushing into disasters because of it

I find as I get older I have no patience for people who will keep on pressing the self destruct button. I feel sorry for them but it is such a drain. And if you keep offering the same advice and they ignore it, then expect you u to pick up the pieces, they're using you.

SilverShins Thu 30-Jul-15 00:21:39

Hello wynken. I'm sorry to hear your story, you're clearly very upset about this. It's a very difficult situation for you and your friend.

My closest friend married an absolute horror. The worst kind of person. And I knew it from the start. She's finally divorcing him but I did stick with her through the years. I'm not saying I was right but there were times she really needed me there. I found it so so hard though, it was heartbreaking seeing her excuse his nonsense.

I think you need to think about your friendship and how important she is to you. You've been honest with her now and that's a good thing I think. See how she feels, see how you feel in time.

I hope I've understood what you mean. I do really feel for you. flowers

OneMillionScovilles Thu 30-Jul-15 00:22:07

What a horrific betrayal of your friend's trust sad I'm really sorry she feels that she can't do any better than this sorry specimen. I think if you can't change her mind you need to distance yourself - I'd try to make sure that she knows that your door is open in future though, if it all goes wrong.

SilverShins Thu 30-Jul-15 00:26:14

Sorry, I've worded that last bit badly. You need to decide whether you can keep the friendship going. If it's worth it to you. I sounded a bit preachy, didn't mean to.

tvlover1234 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:26:30

That's awful an in this case no he doesn't deserve a second chance. You cannot change someone like that!! I think maybe you should let this thread build and possibly show her everyone's responses! I know I would. I think the same as you. Tbh a really good friend is a reslly honest one which is what you are being. The other friends sound like they cba to get involved snd will go along with whatever

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:28:40

Thank you for your replies, i do appreciate them! I honestly felt like such a bad friend tonight but my head and heart has been in a turmoil over it! And with her other friends saying that, i was really beginning to think i was being unreasonable. Was beginning to majorly doubt myself.

tvlover1234 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:34:59

Never doubt yourself for being honest.

I feel personally the other friends don't sound very good friends as they're not actually giving an opinion just going along with it. True friends are brutally honest so you two must be pretty close!!

I had to do this before with a friend that was using drugs. She carried on using a while then missed me, she got clean and we became very close again. (she wasn't an addict every day user but very much all weekend user). Tough love is the only way sometimes when you cant get through any other way

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:36:31

Yes silver thank you for that, makes sense, i will try and say i would keep the door open
tvlover i honestly think something like that does not deserve a second chance either, how could you get by that? I couldnt. And yes i do tend to say what i think but i really hope that they would understand i am being honest and that i am not doing it to be hurtful and cruel.

Thank you for all your replies. I am listening.

Vatersay Thu 30-Jul-15 00:38:08

There's second chances and then there's being a door mat.

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:40:15

Sorry you had to go though that with your friend tvlover but it sounds like you have been a very good friend too.
I would want my pals to be honest with me and say it like it is! Not someone that would just tell me what i would want to hear?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 30-Jul-15 00:40:23

I dont think youve done the wrong thing but I would probably be of the attitude "he is a thief and a dickhead and I want nothing more to do with him. It doesnt change our friendship, and I will always think you are worth 1 million of him, but I never want to be in his company again. A man who does that to a woman he is supposed to love is not someone I want to associate with"

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:41:33

Yes i do agree Vatersay.

tvlover1234 Thu 30-Jul-15 00:47:08

Thank you. Shortly after coming clean she actually developed cancer. Luckily caught very quickly and removed within the week! She really thinks that was karma telling her to stay off of the stuff. She was only 17 at the time.

I would definitely try to bring up the convo again with your friend

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:48:26

Yes i did tell my friend she was worth a lot more than that and that i cared and did not want to see her get hurt any more and that she was worth ten of him.
It was just that i felt if i was still friends with her and she continued to see this man then i would feel i could never tell her what i was doing, if i was away for a few days etc and my house would be left empty and he is a thief? I would not know who he would know and my friend could accidentally let something slip out? I would be worried.

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 30-Jul-15 00:48:46

You need to go down the route of "I am your friend. I care deeply about you. I cannot support this relationship. You don't like that and that's OK. Any time you see what he's doing to you, I will take care of you. You are a good woman"
Write it, text it.

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 00:57:57

My friend was also 'cool' with me when we left each other today and normally she gives me a big hug, but i went to hug her instead and said i hoped she understood, but she did not say much.
Feel so bad because she has had so many crap things happen to her and its not fair as she is lovely.

RagstheInvincible Thu 30-Jul-15 01:21:01

One of two things will happen. Either she comes to see that your are right and has nothing further to do with this chap or she "gives him a second chance" and breaks all contact with you. Frankly IMO you will come out of it well whichever route she goes down.

If the first, you have your friend back. If the second, you have got out of a difficult situation when he does something similar again.

You are feeling bad at the moment but, in truth, you have been a better friend the her than those who say he deserves a 2nd chance.

RagstheInvincible Thu 30-Jul-15 01:22:15

friend to her

wynkenblinkennod Thu 30-Jul-15 09:21:04


OneMillionScovilles Thu 30-Jul-15 09:55:59

Morning wynken. Have you come to any conclusions on how to approach this? It's a horrible situation, but - hunting the elusive silver lining - at least it's not /your/ DP being a shitbag... confused

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