To be angry with my father - and 'that' inheritance court case has just reignited my anger

(29 Posts)
ShakespearesSister01 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:11:12

Okay back a few months ago my father told my sister he and my step mother were going to leave their house to a cats home.

They also have a flat in Spain which they are leaving to their grandchildren (DS and I have 2DCs each)

Thing is reading that court case about the lady who was cut out of her mum's will made me think.

My dad is still alive so is my stepmother and I do love them.

Bu he left my mother high and dry when they divorced (I was 7) and he subsequently hid his money in my step mother's name ( when my mother (on legal aid and he having a private solicitor) tried to go through the courts.

Over the years, my teenage years he went on skiing holidays, bought three houses - did one up sold one.

All the time claiming he had no money. Then when I get married he calls my in laws specifically to reassure them how much he and my step mother have helped me and my sister.
They gave us the odd £10 and I think £75 to help me with my last months' rent at university (back in the mid 1990s).

I never expected anything more from him, but it makes me angry on my mother's behalf because she had put all her plans on hold; my stepfather (who gave 3/4 of his salary to his ex wife and 2 children while we were growing up) lost his job and she had to give up a place on a fashion design course. She still gets angry. My step father committed suicide and we feel my father's behaviour didn't help. My mum lost everything. This is because she chose to leave my dad on the grounds of his abuse. He was really nasty to her, I won't go into details but I saw the verbal abuse and bullying from a young age - so I've never thought they should have stayed together.
Anyway just ranting really I'm sure someone will tell me how I am being unreasonable.

ShakespearesSister01 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:12:32

I don't think my father knows quite how upset and angry we about this - not the leaving the money to a cats home - the bit about not helping my mum out....

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 29-Jul-15 17:16:50

Your dad sounds similar to mine. The best thing I did was to cut him out of my life.

FadedRed Wed 29-Jul-15 17:18:54

flowers Op. Not surprising you feel you need to vent.
You say your over your dad and mum. I can understand why you love your mum, but cannot see any reason why you feel you love your father, because it doesn't sound from your post that he is capable of loving anyone but himself.
Sorry.

FadedRed Wed 29-Jul-15 17:19:52

'love' not 'over'

VulcanWoman Wed 29-Jul-15 17:26:42

I agree with noarmani, cut them out of your life, if it was me I'd say 'stick your money', awful way to carry on. Good luck to you.

ShakespearesSister01 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:29:49

The thing is faded and noarmani my mum made sure we saw our dad as we were growing up even though at one stage he wanted us to call him 'uncle'. I think his heart was broken and now he has locked it somewhere it can't be touched. That's why I have kept a relationship with him, although at times it has been so tough. He loves my DDs but to be fair isn't really there for them at all. He's managed to convince my stepmother that she is the bad person and she is lucky to be with him. I think she did play a big part in the whole money thing. When I have tried to ask him what happened he shouts at me (shouts - and I'm asking in a non-aggressive way) to 'get a life'. I have one - a good career a DH who has had his issues but who is loving providing husband, and two beautiful DDs. I do feel really uncomfortable when we go to stay there - they live an hour away but spend most of their time in Spain. It's pretty clear we are not part of their lives.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 29-Jul-15 17:33:01

I wouldn't bother with them. Just cut them out and ignore.

Hedgesinthewind Wed 29-Jul-15 17:34:12

Yes, my father was pretty much the same although my parents divorced when I was an adult. But he's subsequently "adopted" so many other families, rather than spending time with his own ... I'm just pleased I don't need his money. But although it might look wierd written down and probably some here will say I'm grabby, but I reckon I deserve to inherit just for having had to have him as my father ... it'll help pay for the therapy anyway

Corygal Wed 29-Jul-15 17:45:03

At least the GC are getting something. But your DF is a loser of the highest order.

I'm not surprised the inheritance thing has infuriated you - it would enrage anyone sensible. Hmmm - do you think your DF is trying it on with you to see if you'll look after him in old age? Don't fall for that one - people who dangle re wills seldom produce anything. Forget the money.

You really have suffered - what a deeply disappointing man your father is, and how decent you are not to say it out loud. Do yourself a favour and consider how to manage the relationship in future - I'm not a believer in feuding, so I'd stay polite but distant.

lalalonglegs Wed 29-Jul-15 18:25:56

I think you should explain to your father why you and your sister feel hard done by. I'm normally of the "people can leave their money to whomsoever they want" school but, in this case, he royally shafted you when you were children and I think some payback is due.

One thought, a cat's home sounds a bit random - are you sure he isn't winding you up?

WorzelsCornyBrows Wed 29-Jul-15 18:32:29

My father was the same, I have very minimal contact now to protect myself. flowers

Preminstreltension Wed 29-Jul-15 18:35:49

Similar situation here except DF won't write a will at all and as he's likely to die before DSM (considerably older than her) all their money will go to her niece rather than his three children whom he left.

As in your situation, my mum worked her socks off to bring us up right.

Ironically as they both live in London and have valuable houses, he'd be entitled to leave us a million tax free under this stupid Tory inheritance scheme because he is married (to someone he left his children for). But my mum who was abandoned and stayed to care for her children is not married and therefore can't angry

RosePetels Wed 29-Jul-15 19:24:14

Op one thing I regret is not telling my mum how I feel I think as your dad is well and alive you should let your feelings out but don't be rude because sometimes people don't know what they do hurts others as nobody has ever pulled them up on it

Oldraver Wed 29-Jul-15 19:48:38

Are you not tempted to say....."Oh you can leave the money to who you want but with this new ruling we can contest it" and smile..

It does sound though, money or no money you would be better off without him in your life.

I have made it very clear to my Mum I dont want anything from her in the way of a will. She thinks it because I'm not interested in the money... which is partially true. What I dont want part of is the manipulation and promises that she changes her mind on every two minutes. So I've said to keep me out of it

ShakespearesSister01 Wed 29-Jul-15 19:58:35

Rosepetals I will open the flood gates. Prem and Lala I do feel the way he behaved when we were younger does somehow make it worse. I'm still wondering what to do. But it's made me angry for years.

ShakespearesSister01 Wed 29-Jul-15 20:00:16

Also money isn't an issue because my mum's side of the family - despite her losing her business - are all wealthy and my DH's family have already told us they are leaving us some money.

AlwaysSpoiled34 Wed 29-Jul-15 20:50:18

OP, do not be so upset about your father. Surround yourself with lovely people and try to forgive. No point in keeping contact, you are better off without him in your life.

QueenArseClangers Wed 29-Jul-15 21:11:30

Hopefully all their wealth will be used to pay off nursing home fees.
I'd be telling your father that you certainly won't be looking after him in his dotage just as he never looked after you as a child. What a twat he sounds.

Corygal Wed 29-Jul-15 23:12:43

Your father shafted you in life and now announces he's planning to shaft you in death.

As it stands, inheritance law allows that - I can't see the sense in it.

It might be worth saying something, but I worry you'll get sucked into a dangling situation where you'll be manipulated. Let's be honest, we already know he's not a nice guy.

See what you think and, if you do raise the subject, make sure it's on a once-only discussion basis. Then forget it, and him, as much as possible.

BadLad Wed 29-Jul-15 23:40:44

Are you not tempted to say....."Oh you can leave the money to who you want but with this new ruling we can contest it" and smile..

That's a bad idea. He'll probably just go and spend it all.

Maycausesideeffects Thu 30-Jul-15 02:46:08

Bollocks to him. I cut my father out - couldn't give a monkeys. He never engaged with my dc when and even missed my wedding for some really shit excuse.

I and the doc have a great relationship with in-laws. They have learnt the hard way not to engage with my father and realise it is all a pack of lies.

Imlookingatboats Thu 30-Jul-15 03:08:05

I wouldn't hesitate to contest the will under those circumstances, OP. He didn't meet his obligations in life, so I'd have no issue with attempting to get what was owed in death. Fuck him. A fucking cat's home? Christ.

My mum left her entire estate to me, and her ex-partner, who'd left her 3 years prior (and who used to beat her up) contested her will, and in order to avoid lengthy litigation while we were grieving, we paid him off. So I'm one who has more feeling than most when it comes to "people should respect the wishes of the dead" views.

AlwaysSpoiled34 Thu 30-Jul-15 03:18:49

You do not need inheritance. Some people do not want money they did not earn.

dailygrowl Thu 30-Jul-15 03:51:15

I'm on OP's side - not about how much money he will leave her, but all the horrible and dishonest things he did when she was small and the way he treated her mother.

I am ambivalent about inheritance and wills. I personally would not prefer to be left or promised to be left anything. (However, being a given a gift right this minute when the person is alive is different - I know how I will respond to it). I have heard of elderly folk holding their kids / grandkids to ransom "you must give up your whole weekends to do this for me since I'm leaving you lots of money when I die" or tormenting their descendants with "you'll get the house" one week and "I'm leaving you nothing" the next. I personally believe all grown up kids should invest in their own property (or save up to invest in one eventually, even if it's a tiny studio flat) even if they are staying in their parent's home. I too have seen relations feud over what they were bequeathed and don't want to waste my time with all that drama.

The only time I would make an exception is when kids have invested their time and money into a property or business. Eg kids who gave up their Saturdays and after school evenings to work on the parents' farm, kids who gave up the same working for the restaurant/shop/cafe without pay and not being able to invest their time in their own future (eg schoolwork or an educational/potentially career-forming hobby). I do feel that these kids should get something back. That is a tough one, because they are often giving up their most precious assets (time and energy) at an age they have no capacity to say no or give their informed consent. I still think it is preferable to give the child or children their dues (eg backdated pay when the funds are available, or a signed deed showing their co-ownership of a business) when one is alive. Likewise if a grown up daughter paid a lot of money for her parents' bathroom to be renovated so that it was safe for them to use, but the entire house is bequeathed to their son with no repayment to the daughter - that would be pretty bad and should be contested in court.

But my humble two cents' worth to OP would be not to care or even think about what your father will or won't leave you - no matter how unfair it seems to your mother's memory. That way you won't be an emotional prisoner to his whims.

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