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to want to go nc with my family just because being round them makes me feel shit

(18 Posts)
commentappele Wed 29-Jul-15 16:36:09

Just that really- no argument, no (current) wrongdoing, just realised that being around certain family members takes me back to a dark place where I don't want to return. I feel like I don't want to be dragged back to a past I've tried hard to grow and move away from, through being sucked back into a dynamic that makes me feel not at all like myself. Have had a bad couple of days following a meet up at the weekend, and have just realised that I don't ever want to feel that way again. AIBU?

Eternalsunshines Wed 29-Jul-15 16:40:21

I moved away from my family and it's the best that I ever did. I am pleasant when I see them at family events etc but I don't go into detail of my life and I don't ask about theirs as it's always drama and slagging other family members off.

I'm just not interested at all, they bring my mood down and are generally quite toxic.

Eternalsunshines Wed 29-Jul-15 16:40:36

So no, you're not BU

MrsMcColl Wed 29-Jul-15 16:42:26

I feel exactly the same about my family. It's a horrible feeling. The less contact I have with them, the better I feel - but I can't seem to go entirely NC, because of my DCs. What do you want to do?

swisscheesetony Wed 29-Jul-15 16:45:46

I went NC at the start of the year when I realised things would never change. I let them back in my life when my children were born but they blew it. It's been 6 months and both DS's seem to have forgotten who they are. Yesterday I received an email out of the blue from sis. Instead of building bridges she threw accusations and the like in my face and threatened me with social services + prison. My stbxh who has always championed her was shocked - and totally has my back as I cut them off. Again.

Marshpillow Wed 29-Jul-15 16:54:15

Go for it! I'm NC with one of my parents and their spouse as we had a falling out and I realised I was so much happier not speaking to them.

MrsNippyCat Wed 29-Jul-15 17:10:21

I'm now NC with my mum's brother and sister and their spouses for exactly this reason. I'm maintaining contact with my gran but it's greatly reduced as she also tends to make me feel quite down and can be very cutting. I don’t need the aggravation.

Fatmomma99 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:14:59

Of course you can go NC if it makes you happier.

I do think it's something easier said than done though. But Eternalsunshines seems to have a good solution.

Good luck.

Sazzle41 Fri 31-Jul-15 09:37:07

I would. And did. Just because they are relatives doesnt mean they arent toxic and dragging you down. You can build a surrogate 'family' elsewhere with kind supportive friends. Good luck.

Fromparistoberlin73 Fri 31-Jul-15 09:43:11

I think that the idea of going NC is fairly dramatic, and might stress you even more. however if you feel strong enough, do it!

I have recently been bereaved and I have really seem how some people DRAIN my positivity and energy

some ideas:

be busy, don't call and avoid answering calls
unfollow from Facebook
determine to spend time with people that leave you feeling happy

good luck and sympathies, hate that emotional hangover

Lottapianos Fri 31-Jul-15 09:51:14

Of course you're not unreasonable to go NC if that's what you feel would be the best option for you. I agree with other posters though - its not an easy thing to do and its often not just a case of binning someone and moving on without a backward glance. It can be an extremely painful process.

I'm in a similar position to Eternalsunshines - I am very low contact with my family. When I do see them, I'm pleasant but keep it all to small talk and tell them nothing about myself that's of any consequence. I only make contact with them when I want to. This works pretty well for me, I just couldn't face NC. Would that be a solution you would consider?

girlywhirly Fri 31-Jul-15 11:02:12

It isn't BU to go no contact, but Lottapiano's suggestion of minimal contact at first is a good idea. You can make excuses and avoid social situations, avoid phone calls in various ways. Restrict information on social websites and block those individuals you don't want. If there are occasions you can't avoid, plan to be there only as long as you need, have something important to go to (even if fictitious) and then do something or see someone to raise your spirits. In short, you just restrict the opportunities that relatives have to upset you and make you feel rubbish. With any luck your avoidance tactics may make them stop contacting you eventually, and you may only get important information such as critical illness or a death.

Remember that no-one has the power to make you do anything or see anyone that you don't want to. Spending time with people who value you and make you happy and confident is the way to go.

morelikeguidelines Fri 31-Jul-15 11:04:35

I feel exactly like you do, op.

I was the only girl with two brothers and I was basically bullied within my family.

It is hard because my mum is lovely and helps me out with stuff as an adult, but she did let my brothers bully me (not physically, laughing at me and treating me as an idiot).

I can't be around my dad much as he is very difficult when he has been drinking. Also can't be around him and my brothers together.

MonkeyPJs Sat 01-Aug-15 05:45:20

I think it depends.

On the face of it I'd say that if they make you feel bad, distance yourself. The dynamics I didn't like within my own family were greatly helped by me moving overseas for a few years and starting anew on my return.

BUT I know someone close to me whose family makes them feel awful and crap and treat her badly etc according to her, but from the outside looking in it's apparent that she is equally responsible for a negative pattern of behaviour, and that part of the problem is her own low self esteem issues. For example, someone with a good job is asked how work is going and answer "it's going well", which is turned into said family member "always rubbing her nose in the fact she has a better job" etc.

Not saying that's the case in the OP's case, but I do caution about giving advice without knowing the context

ollieplimsoles Sat 01-Aug-15 06:55:47

I agree with cutting contact gradually, I have very limited contact with my dad after a childhood and now adulthood of his selfishness.

It can be hard to go no contact if there are dc involved, but remember, if they really wanted to see your dc they would.make an effort to reconcile and work through things with you, but your sisters message is clear that she at least is not interested in that.

LadyVape Sat 01-Aug-15 07:03:52

I went NC with one side of my family over a year ago now. I think I grieved for the family I thought I had that I loved but the reality of the situation kept me going and now I don't even think about them anymore.

Going NC may seem 'dramatic', however sometimes there are very good reasons to do so. I'm much happier, confident and settled without them.

RattieofCatan Sat 01-Aug-15 07:35:03

You're not being UR at all. I usually feel shit after seeing my family. After they made me feel really fucking shit at/after my wedding earlier this year I haven't really had much contact (and I'd already limited contact before that too).

Do start by slowly dropping contact levels though, you might find that you reach a comfortable point with it. I've found a relatively comfortable point now, barely speak to any of them between visits and visit on my own terms. I don't stay with my parents for more than one night at a time and see them all in short bursts.

commentappele Tue 04-Aug-15 10:38:10

Thank you for all the responses. Have been staying with a friend and feeling more like myself. It really helps to hear that I'm not alone in feeling like this. Thank you xx

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