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If you pay minimal maintenance, you clothe the kids when you have them?

(151 Posts)
Sophieelmer Wed 29-Jul-15 14:41:58

That isn't too much to ask is it? It can't be reasonable to anyone, to have their DC one night a week and half holidays. Pay £10 a week maintenance and expect the RP to provide clothes for a trip to the seaside or a wedding etc?

Would I be unreasonable if I said fuck off (ever so politely) to the next request?

SnapesCapes Wed 29-Jul-15 14:46:34

Not at all. Maintain that if he's going to pay so little in maintenance, he has to buy clothes for DC.

DS1's Dad used to ask for a bag of clothes when he had him overnight, including nappies (and he has never, in 9 years, paid maintenance). I laughed in his face a couple of times, he realised I was serious and he's never asked since.

hiddenhome Wed 29-Jul-15 14:48:15

Yes, they should provide clothes, but they often don't.

My son's 'father' used to demand that I sent clothes with him and then used to keep them hmm a real piss take that was. I eventually refused to send anything other than what he went there in - old joggers and top. I simply couldn't afford to keep losing clothes sad

Some men - yes, it's usually men - would rather have their eyes removed with rusty forks than provide so much as a molecule for their kids hmm

swallowed Wed 29-Jul-15 14:48:51

I provide nothing when the DC are at their dads.

Partly because he won't tell me what they're up to, so I don't know what they'll need anyway, also I'm not being his laundry mistress so he can pack them off home with a bag full of washing.

They go with the basics (because he loses stuff) and if they need something he has to find it or buy it.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 29-Jul-15 14:55:06

It's genrally expect that during contact the NRP is responsible for providing everything the child needs.

If you have a problem with having to send stuff just don't. Tell the other parent it is their responsibility and you will no longer be sending items and just don't.

AyeAmarok Wed 29-Jul-15 15:01:10

Yes they should.

My best friend's horrible ex (who has never paid maintenance) used to also keep all the clothes her DS went in and refused to return it, saying it was lost.

Then we found out he was actually selling it sad for drug money

Make him buy the clothes for the wedding himself OP. If the child turns up to a wedding in joggers or whatever and the dad explains this by telling everyone "his mum didn't buy him new outfits for this" everyone will just think he's a disk. Don't let the fear force you to cave in to his demands.

HighwayDragon Wed 29-Jul-15 15:04:52

XP won't buy dd clothes. I got a text once (a good year or so ago) "you didn't send her socks" I'd forgotten to send socks, instead of buying some she went without for the day, her feet were all red from wearing trainers without socks.

AyeAmarok Wed 29-Jul-15 15:05:17

Dick * grin

lemonade30 Wed 29-Jul-15 15:07:11

my exH pays nothing and I provide my children's clothes.

because their well being and comfort supersedes any axe I may have to grind with my ex.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Wed 29-Jul-15 15:16:13

YANBU especially when he expects you to buy an outfit just for one event. Asking if the kids already have something suitable is ok, but to expect a new outfit and for you to foot the bill is not on.

Collaborate Wed 29-Jul-15 15:30:37

YABU. What about the resident parent who claims all the CTC and CB for the children? If that is what is used to feed and clothe them, why should the NRP who gets none of those benefits have to pay for an additional set of clothes?

Collaborate Wed 29-Jul-15 15:31:21

Forgot to say - excellent attitude lemonade30.

AyeAmarok Wed 29-Jul-15 15:35:55

Collaborate Do you think £20 CB per week is enough to house, feed and clothe a child? hmm

Really? The dad shouldn't contribute at all because he's not the lucky one getting the hand outs from the government?

swallowed Wed 29-Jul-15 15:36:37

Because he's their parent collaborate.

My ex provides maintenance and I get child benefit. Neither of which come anywhere near the cost of raising a child so he can damn well provide the things he needs when he has the kids.

DixieNormas Wed 29-Jul-15 15:39:01

I think regardless of what they pay they should have clothes for the dc, its supposed to be the second home.

even so ive ended up sending stuff for it never to be seen again.

Sophieelmer Wed 29-Jul-15 15:39:17

lemonade do you get all the dc clothes back between visits? I am missing a raincoat and a pair of shoes and set of underwear from this weeks overnight.

Not all RP are eligible for tc or cb but even if they are, is it tax payers that should be buying the dc clothes or both their parents?

swallowed Wed 29-Jul-15 15:42:24

For me the issue isn't cost but the hassle factor.

DC stay over one night a fortnight. Outside of these hours, they have no contact with ex.

Meaning, I do everything. Every school lunch, every illness, every teeth brushing, every doctors appointment, every school trip.

I also work FT.

I'm damned if on top of this I'm going to pack a bag for DC with everything they might possibly need, rain hail or shine, and wash the lot when it comes back. Thus relieving him of the one child related job which he is required to do (once a fortnight).

Fuck that I've got enough to worry about.

DixieNormas Wed 29-Jul-15 15:42:26

What sort of parent doesn't buy a couple of sets of clothes to keep at his house? A useless shitty one ime. It costs next to nothing to buy a few bits from primark

takeinyourhen Wed 29-Jul-15 15:43:32

Yes, if they are going to a wedding and need a formal outfit that they do not have already, the NRP should pay for this, the same as they would have to pay for a bucket and spade if they decided to take them to the sea side.

Normal clothes however, I'm with Lemonade

DJThreeDog Wed 29-Jul-15 15:43:49

I totally agree.

DH is a NRP, we do pay maintenance. But we clothe, feed and anything else DSS when he's here.

He does come in school uniform and go home in his own clothes at times, mostly we don't get those back. It's fine normally but he did have to go to Tesco in his school trousers once on a Saturday as we'd run out of jeans! (Bought him some there btw)

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 29-Jul-15 15:45:02

Sophie if your child is too young to bring everything back themselves...then you should go and knock on his bloody door the cheeky twat that he is!

AyeAmarok Wed 29-Jul-15 15:51:26

Exactly. Being a parent is providing what your child needs.

One parent shouldn't just be allowed, and supported, to opt out of everything and take no responsibility, assuming someone else will pick up the slack.

The sooner society and the law stops letting parents do that, the better.

You have a child, you provide for it. It is the responsibility of TWO parents.

MrsExcited Wed 29-Jul-15 16:05:22

Similar situation to DJ3,

DH is NRP, dsds stay one night every week and every other weekend.

Full CSA paid, on not an inconsiderable amount. Their mum doesn't work, children are top end of primary school.

We have reasonable wardrobe of clothes at ours, and toys, gadgets and send them to weekend activities.

This Is so they have clothes that are clean, fit and are appropriate to the season and have things to do in their time with us. This is dispite all birthday and xmas presents going to their mums house, from us and all of our families. Means buying double in the main, though as they get older is getting less as they need smaller more personal toys.

LittleLionMansMummy Wed 29-Jul-15 16:12:21

What is the nrp to do when the child returns to the rp? Strip them out of their 'nrp' clothes and put them back in the clothes they arrived in? I think lemonade's approach is the right one - the child's comfort and feelings should come above parental squabbles. The splitting hairs could end up getting ridiculous and is of no benefit to the child.

DixieNormas Wed 29-Jul-15 16:16:00

No they dont have to do that, ive washed stuff of his that ds has come back in and sent him back in it the next weekend and hes done the same.

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