AIBU over pregnancy shock?(52 Posts)
I feel horrendous even writing this. I've NC because I'm so ashamed.
DH and I had been trying for our first for over five years. We had unexplained infertility so ended up going abroad for IVF treatment. The first cycle failed but luckily we had frozen embryos so six months later we went back and had the remaining two implanted. Basically, for me to get pregnant has been a long, hard slog.
I was absolutely ecstatic when my pg test was a BFP. And I know this sounds stupid but because of our difficulties I really just assumed that only one embryo implanted. You can see where this is going....
At my first scan they suspected twins and that was confirmed a week later. At first I was delighted, but now things have changed. I haven't told DH because I don't dare, I feel so ashamed of myself. Basically, I am terrified about having twins and I feel a bit indignant. I was expecting one baby, one pushchair, one cot, one set of clothes and now everything has changed. I'm 18 weeks now and I already look 8 months gone. I've been told bedrest is likely for the last part of pg as I have placenta praevia, we're going to have to sell our car for a bigger one and I'm going to have to manage two newborns, rather than one. We don't have the house space, I'm worried about all the clutter and we intended to educate DC privately and had been saving - I don't think this is remotely possible now.
I feel like everything I was expecting has been ripped away from me and a whole heap of pressures added on. I cry most days and I'm so scared I don't know how to go about calming myself down. I'm afraid that I'm beginning to resent the 'extra' twin and that petrifies me.
Please - can anyone who's had twins reassure me?? My friend said it could be 'twin shock' but I don't even know what that means
At the risk of sounding flippant, it's the hormones. And yes, twin shock.
And I know you don't want to hear it now, but
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! ....put them by until you feel like hearing it.
It will be more stressful than one but you will get used to it, and I'm sure once they are here you will love them both the same.
I think it's ok to feel like this so don't feel guilty or beat yourself up just take each day as it comes and try and find some support groups for people expecting twins.
I think this is all totally natural. For such a long time you've been used to being not pregant, thinking you had little chance of being pregant. Now, it's not just one, but two - of course you'll feel in shock!
I would suggest heading over to the multiple babies board on MN or get this moved across there - lots of parents of twins will be able to give you their views
And congratulations! Hope the rest of your pregnancy passes well
It will be hard at first, but no harder than if you'd conceived twins another way. I work with someone who has twins who are now 5. She went through all the shock and worry you're describing (and I have to admit we all teased her and probably made it worse), but she is besotted with them now and they are lovely kids, who have the advantage of being able to amuse themselves really well because there's two of them.
First of all how you are feeling is absolutely natural, so don't feel as though you are not allowed to be shocked and upset just because you have waited so long to be pregnant.
BUT, let's look positively here. You have possibly completed your family in one fair swoop. No more TTC angst, no more IVF attempts (unless if course you won't more in the future) and your children are likely to have the most wonderful bond from childhood to adulthood. I think if you can get as much advice and support as possible you could end up being totally delighted you have had two babies instead of just one.
You are in shock. My first were twins, it was a fantastic experience and maybe better in a way that I hadn't had a singleton so didn't have anything to compare with. If you can imagine seeing two gorgeous newborns snuggled up together in their cot it will melt your heart. They are hard work in terms of sleep deprivation so if you could line up some sort of help I would strongly recommend you do it. There are plenty of options - even someone willing to do a few hours in the daytime to let you sleep. If you plan ahead things will be smoother and you won't fret as much.
If it's how you feel then YANBU but it is what it is, you have to move past your feelings somehow, especially as twin pregnancies are higher risk and the likelihood of an early delivery etc are higher and you don't want to be battling with these feelings towards the end.
I'm shocked that the clinic didn't hammer home that multiplies were a possibility though. A family member had two embryos planted back and they warned her several times about the risk of both of them taking (they did).
Twins are hard but hers are now 2.5 and things are starting to get easier!
I've never had twins so what I'm about to say might be complete bollocks, but... Long term, I'd honestly have thought twins would have definite advantages over single kids. They'll be SO close, they will have each other for company/comfort. They won't rely on you quite so much for entertainment.
My kids are 4.5 years apart and it sucks!! Yes it was probably easier having one at a time during the baby stage, but it still wasn't a picnic.
There is a lot to be said for getting it all over and done with, in just one pregnancy. Two separate pregnancies aren't a walk in the park!
But MASSIVE HUGS. I spent the beginning of my first pregnancy lying on my bed sobbing, "what the fuck have I done?" so I understand the feelings of fear, stress and guilt.
Honestly it is simply total shock. Twins are an amazing blessing but also super hard work. It is natural to be terrified. Many twins mums I know say they find a way to manage pretty quickly and although it's hard at first it brings so many joys and rewards they feel blessed every day. Search online for some twin support groups, they will be super helpful.
Here are a few practical things:
2 baby car seats will fit in a small car without any issues, it is 3 which can cause problems. Car will likely be fine as long as you don't buy a pram the size of a tractor (which can equally apply to normal prams. Look at maclaren for small folding twin prams)
Twins will be easier (and likely happier) in the same room, at least for the first few years, if not always. House space will be fine as long as it has 2 bedrooms (due to unexpected circumstances we had 3 in our second bedroom for a short period and we all survived!)
As they get bigger they will always have each other to play with and this will make a HUGE difference to how easy things are later on. It's like a trade off!
1 pregnancy for 2 babies means a little family (most common number of kids is 2 these days it seems) with no more IVF etc.
You CAN and WILL be able to do this. Most twin mums have been right where you are now and they all survived. Some I know have even gone on to have extra kids after twins. All these feelings are totally natural and normal. Don't be ashamed. Talk to your DH as well, I bet he is feeling the same way.
Congratulations. You can do this. I promise.
When do you find out the sex? I'm guessing there is a chance you could get one boy and one girl? That would be seriously cool.
Maybe direct your energies towards researching coping strategies to having twins. Find some really awesome blogger who rocks a brilliant lifestyle with twins in tow.
What's making you cry is simply fear of the unknown. Information is power! There must be loads of information about twins -- there is a whole section on MN alone.
YOU WILL ROCK THIS MOTHERHOOD!!
I truly believe that you're overwhelmed and in shock.
Chin up. Soon you will have two beautiful babies. Double the trouble and double the fun
The way you're feeling is probably due to hormones but I'm surprised that you hadn't entertained the possibility at all. My clinic was very clear that multiple births were common, regardless of fertility issues. The theory is that if the womb is receptive to implantation at the time of transfer it is almost as likely that both embryos will implant. For a DET, I was given a success rate of 75pc for one baby and 65pc of twins. Hence, I decided to have SET as my partner was against twins. It's why UK clinics try to talk people out of DET.
As pps have said there are positives of having two at once, I think you need to find a way to focus on those as you prepare for the arrival. It will be okay. You will find a way to cope with the hard bits and having double smiles, cuddles and milestones will more than make up for it.
I think perhaps if you tell your DH that will help - he'll be shocked too I guess to start with but then you're not in this alone. That's one reason it's all building up in your mind at the moment perhaps.
I had twins when my eldest was 18 months old. It was a shock at first but I quickly learned to cope with 3 babies. You may be surprised at how well you adapt. I had a VW Golf and was able to fit the car seats in but those isofix ones were not available then. The only downside for me was that mine have always been very competitive and argue a lot! Congratulations!
I think this is something IVF makes a lot harder. when you get pregnant after fertility treatment I think there is an expectation that everything will be wonderful and therefore a tremendous sense of guilt about anything which isn't positive like difficult or painful pregnancy symptoms, tough emotions or shocks like you've had. It is perfectly normal and the fact you had IVF doesn't mean you shouldn't have these perfectly normal feelings or feel guilty about having them.
Same as imonaplane, I had 3 under 2, and I was in denial about the twins right up until they were born and suddenly there were 2 babies! (I said this a lot: "there are two babies!?!" It must have been very annoying for people around me.) To be honest it's been far easier than I'd thought - I can count on one hand the number of times I've cried, and we've had no help either paid or family. And now they all make each other laugh and some days they even all nap in their beds at the same time. You'll be fine. It is a very different experience to having one baby but not necessarily worse.
Congratulations!!! There are loads of groups for mums and mums-to-be of multiples, you need to talk to others who've been in your position, there's one mum of twins in my ante-natal group and she got in touch TAMBA - they do courses and classes and support groups and all sorts see www.tamba.org.uk/courses/course-menu
How many children were you thinking of having in total? In many ways twins makes this decision easier. My ds is coming up for two and lots of people in my group are trying to conceive a second and worrying about time slipping by, or wondering whether to have a second, it seems a big preoccupation now. I don't think we're having another child, but if we had wanted two certainly i could see big advantages to having them together and being out of the baby stage with both by now and having two lovely toddlers to play together.
I don't have twins, I feared twins. But I know I would have loved them.
I also know I'd have freaked out exactly like you are.
Don't be ashamed, I don't even think you needed to NC.
Everything you said sounds perfectly understandable and reasonable to me.
You're having a wobble, reality has hit, but once those babies come you will be so overwhelmed will love, this will be a distant memory.
Yep, twin shock.
I have DTDs and we managed just fine with a Mazda 2, & there are some great double buggies around. Definitely join TAMBA - I found their pregnancy and newborn guides invaluable.
I haven't had twins. But my best friend and his gf did.
They went through exactly the same and their pg wasn't planned. Casual relationship with a contraception fail. They were shocked when she realised she was pg, then just when thy had got used to the idea they found out it was twins and were thrown again.
It's was hard at first but they are now 6 and they wouldn't have it any other way.
I had singletons and remember feeling overwhelmed when about 32 weeks pregnant with my first. It's seemed to just hit me one day! I remember crying about it and dh being a bit bewildered since the pg was planned and was fairly far along.
I can't explain it even now.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't alone in feeling this way.
You've made me cry!! Thank you all so much. I honestly thought I was going to get a bashing for being so ungrateful.
It helps to realise that this isn't so abnormal. I guess I just need to absorb it a bit more. It all feels overwhelming at the moment.
Congratulations! You must tell your DH though, you mustn't worry about this on your own. Do check out the multiples board here and elsewhere online as I'm sure there must be other people who have been through this.
I too would argue that it is the initial shock of your longed for pregnancy, but would also acknowledge that there you could have some genuinue concerns about having twins - cost of 2 lots of childcare, no hand-me-downs etc.
I can't speak as a mother of twins, but from the point of view of being a twin myself and now being a mother (dc2 due early next year). It will be tough at times, so please do try and get as much support and help from your family and friends. My mum joined a local multiples club and found much help and support through that.
Howvever, there are also many pluses to having twins. It kills two birds with one stone, so to speak pregnancy wise. I envy being done with one stage and moving onto the next. Even with a smallish gap (just over 2 years), I think I will find it hard to get my head round their different needs.
On the whole, my sister and I share/d the same interests. We were in the same school year, so never any carting of other children around to nurseries (if you stick at your twins!), so logistically it is much easier in many ways. We shared a room for a good while and it was fine. We are very close and I appreciated her then and now. Sure, we fought but most siblings do.
Please talk to your husband. They are his babies too and you need to support one another.
IVF aside, nobody plans for twins do they? Yanbu at all to be in such shock but you'll come around. Congrats!
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