ExH, 18yr DS & maintenance

[Lozislovely]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or just annoyed!

Up until last month ExH paid me a nominal sum in maintenance for 2 DS, 16 & 18. The amount was agreed informally upon separation a few years ago.

ExH sees both DS at most for 4 hours 2 evenings per week. There have never been any sleepovers.

ExH has never contributed to school trips, clothing or any extras that DS's have needed and I have always stumped up the cash. (ExH is 'of course' poor (bleats to the DS's about it too) even though he takes two holidays abroad a year and can't even afford to put his heating on!)

DS1 is going to Uni in October. ExH has agreed with DS1 that 50% of the maintenance will be paid to him so to help with living costs. I have agreed to match this amount.

Unbeknownst to me, ExH and DS1 agreed that the payment starts from this month, even though I have to foot the bill for DS1 living with me until October.

AIBU to be p*ssed off that DS1 expects me to feed and clothe him whilst he gets 'free' money from his father and lives with me? (Last month without food I spent £500 on him for various things and I can't continue to fund him in that way).

Anytime I try to explain the costs of things to him, he ends up getting uptight thinking I'm having a go when I'm trying to make him realize that he's a grown up and needs to start taking responsibility.

It just another flipping agreement that the two of them have made together that I am expected to go along with and it feels like he just assumes this is ok.

Part of me thinks he should go live with his dad until he goes to Uni as that will be the reality check that he needs, but I don't think he'd ever talk to me again if I said that.

[Fatmomma99]

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand your post. Are you saying that starting this month, your ex is paying you half less for your oldest child and paying it direct to him?

If so, then charge your oldest son rent, maybe?

sorry if I've mis-read it.

[Lozislovely]

Yes, sorry if it wasn't clear. DS now gets with pocket money £200 per month!

[toots111]

Clarification: Is he expecting you to give him your half of the maintenance money now? Or is it just that you don't get any money from your ExH anymore?

[PtolemysNeedle]

As you can't force money out of your ex, don't pay for anything else for your ds, he can pay for everything (including phone) himself out of his generous allowance. His food and contribution to bills isn't likely to come to more than £200, and if you do need money for anything extra then you can discuss that directly with your ds.

[Lozislovely]

DS1 is getting half the maintenance paid into his bank account by Exh and get the other 50% for DS2.

[MillionToOneChances]

If he's getting anything paid for by you aside from food, obviously that needs to stop now he's taken the maintenance direct from his father.

[HowD]

Your DS now has to support himself then. If he eats loads then he should supliment his extra food himself or move in with his Dad until October.

[Lozislovely]

Ptolemys - I feel like the bad guy but at the same time I would love to do what you suggested - I just know that DS1 will think I'm being mean - but he's 18 FFS!

I earn more than ExH so the assumption given by him to the DS's is that I'm loaded - well I'm not!

[Bubblesinthesummer]

Good idea about paying nominal rent.

I don't actually think it is a bad idea to start to give him money now as it will help him to start to manage it before he goes away.

Tell your DS that the extras he will now have to pay towards himself. ie if there is another £500 spend needed he will be expected to contribute.

[RebootYourEngine]

I would be charging him rent, maybe 50 pounds per month if i was feeling generous & also i would stop buying things for him. Then he might realise how expensive things are.

[MillionToOneChances]

I don't know how you calculate the maintenance, but CSA do 20 for two children, 15% for one. Sounds like your ex is lining up to half his bill ASAP.

[Lozislovely]

HowD - he eats a lot! I would honestly prefer DS1 to live with his dad as it would be a totally different world to the one he has now where the fridge is always full!

[HowD]

Send him off to Dad's then. Get him used to uni life.

[TheRealAmyLee]

I would say to him if he is taking the money from his dad you assume he is taking responsibility for himself therefore he can pay his personal expenses ie mobile phone, bus fares etc. Tell him you will continue to support him with X (this being maybe food/board?) but the rest is up to him now.

Once he is at uni you need to ensure you are both comfortable with whatever financial arrangements you make. Talk about this NOW so he knows what is his responsibility.

[Lozislovely]

My concern is that if I did that, what cost would it be to our relationship? He's just gone out now without saying goodbye so I know I'm in for the silent treatment for a while!

[Lozislovely]

TheRealAmyLee - he's already got it in his head that he can't possibly work whilst at Uni because of study and the fact that there'll be no jobs as all the students will be looking for work.

I just cannot afford to support him as I have done but he doesn't get it.

[HowD]

He has no respect for you now, will call you mean if you don't please him. You have already lost him. Let him see his Dad's true colours.

[Lozislovely]

That's where I'm heading tbh. When I said to him that 'we' hadn't agreed that the money would go to him now, rather than in October he got uptight and said 'well you only had to say' - yeah, we did - a couple of months ago when we first spoke about it.

I've become a doormat, some of it my own doing, but its time to stop - for DS1 sake and mine I think.

[FunnyNameHere]

Yikes! You poor thing.
Can he get a job till October? Lots of summer jobs are still open..

[Lozislovely]

Suggested that - doesn't want to work in this place, that place! His dad suggested warehouse work at a place about miles away - great - but DS1 doesn't drive, there are no buses to that area so it would be me doing the driving to and from!

[WitchofScots]

DS1 needs to start contributing to the household from now on, the money is for his food etc so he should be contributing.

[WitchofScots]

DS1 needs to start contributing to the household from now on, the money is for his food etc so he should be contributing.

[IssyStark]

I tend to agree with him about working while at uni. We see students run ragged trying to earn and learn at the same time, and in most cases their grades suffer. Many are afraid to turn down a shift when offered as they are scared that they won't get offered any more (the joys of zero hour contracts).

That said, his Uuni may have something like a tempbank where students get odd jobs within the institution and their hours are usually closely controlled during termtime so that their work does not suffer.

In the meantime, if he's getting the allowance direct, then he might as well start paying his own bills. I'd give him his allowance if I were you but charge him rent (just as he'll have to pay at uni), or to be easier, withhold the rent from the allowance you give him.

[Lozislovely]

Alpaca - totally agree - and I'm grateful (in a way) that ExH is supporting him. My issue is that I'm the fallback for all the extras so will definitely attempt to list outgoings and other expenses so he gets a sense of why I'm frustrated.