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To not want my best friend to get together with my Lying/ Cheating ex?

(74 Posts)
Anxiousanne01 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:29:12

As title. Just a feeling I have. He’s really bad news, she knows it. He, still, over a year since we split is contacting me every day to get back with him, to come over to his, ringing me, texting me, Facebooking me, ‘Liking’ everything I put on Facebook. She is aware of all of this,

He’s hot, she knows it, everyone knows it, he has no trouble pulling the ladies. He’s made comments about how he finds her attractive to me before. I found out that they had been messaging each other a while back and firmly stated that it is her life, she can see who she likes but if she was to get involved with this man it would really hurt me and that I would have to withdraw from the friendship. She cried and said that yes they had messaged each other but only about me as he was contacting her moaning that he loves me and why won’t I take him back. I then found out they’d met for drinks…again, she promised me nothing happened. Since that time I don’t believe anything has as he’s been seeing other people and so has she. Now though, both are single again. I have had some information that leads me to believe they may be seeing one another at the weekend at a function.

I’ve never been able to shake off the feeling that something has gone on behind my back, I’ve just had to try and forget about it and hope that she has more respect than that, both for herself and for me. I just have a horrible feeling that something is going to happen at this event at the weekend and I know there is nothing I can do, but I am angry that she will end up lying to me about where she’s been and who she’s with.

I am half tempted to text her saying I know she’s going to this event (she’s kind of lied to me about where she is going already but I don’t want to go into too much info on here) and that I really hope she has more respect for herself than to get involved with this utter shite of a man who is still messaging her best friend everyday begging her to get back with him? Where is her self-respect? And where is her respect for me?

However I’m aware that will make me come across as a bitter looney and that I could also just be being paranoid about the whole thing. Sigh. Please be nice, I’m really trying to be rational here.

honeysucklejasmine Wed 29-Jul-15 09:32:29

She is blindly walking in to trouble. You know it and she knows it. But you can't stop her unfortunately. If you want to be there to support her when it all goes wrong, that's up to you.

FarFromAnyRoad Wed 29-Jul-15 09:33:22

You sound over-invested in his life. He's your ex - and presumably for good reason. Why are you Facebook friends? Why are you monitoring his activities?
And you do know that you can't tell another adult what to do right? If you friend wants to go ahead and get into a relationship with him then it's not up to you to police that.
I think you need to properly make this man your ex. Not your ex-but-keeping-a-close-eye-on-his-life ex.

Dowser Wed 29-Jul-15 09:34:20

Sound like they deserve one another.
A true friend wouldn't do that.

Cut her loose. Yes it's very hurtful and y are nbu to feel hurt.

HawkEyeTheNoo Wed 29-Jul-15 09:36:15

You can go with an ex's friend but never a friends ex!
Apart from having disaster written all over this, I think things will never ever be the same with your friend and you. I'm now nc with my bestie of 25 years (slightly different as it was an affair with my DP) but how will she ever know that he is with her for her, or just to get close to you. Show her the messages from him and then let her decide.

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 29-Jul-15 09:38:10

Ew. Just cut them both out. Why are you even friends with him on FB?? Don't have anything to do with either of them...they sound repugnant.

MammaTJ Wed 29-Jul-15 09:39:37

Two adults, they can do what they like and you have no control over it. You can only control how you behave (if not how you feel)!

Leave them to it. When it all goes pear shaped, which you can see coming a mile off, try very hard not to say 'I told you so' while being there for your friend! You could even compare notes over the odd bottle of wine and laugh about it eventually, but that will take a long time. It is something to look forward to in all of this though!

Mygardenistoobig Wed 29-Jul-15 09:39:50

I would cut her loose too.
De friend him on fb and block his number.

Concentrate on other friends you don't need either of theses 2 in your life.

MaidOfStars Wed 29-Jul-15 09:42:32

You can go with an ex's friend but never a friends ex

Eh? How does that work? Your ex's friend would be going out with his friend's ex...

TeaPleaseLouise Wed 29-Jul-15 09:42:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 29-Jul-15 09:46:43

Maid it's just a silly means that you can offend your ex but not your friend.

Anxiousanne01 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:48:47

Farfromanyroad- I get how it comes across, I do, however I am happily with someone else who is 10 x the man my ex was. I honestly couldn’t be more disinterested in what he’s doing or who with. However, I admit, it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach when I think of my best friend and him together and these feelings have nothing to do with him but revolve around her.

I just feel really, really hurt. I am fully aware I cannot control what other people do, people are not possessions and are free to do what they like. I just feel really hurt that my supposed ‘best friend’ is probably plotting to see him this weekend (albiet with other people in a social setting) behind my back.

starlight2007 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:49:24

Another one..I think you are way to involved..Do you have kids together..if not you should block his number as well as FB...

As for friend.. I don't think you can be close anymore. I think you need to move on distance yourself from friend

browneyedgirl86 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:50:18

I agree with FarFromAnyRoad

If your ex cheated on you and hurt you, why on earth are you still friends with him in Facebook? I can't get my head round that.

Your friend knows what a delight your ex is and if she chooses to go down that road, hell mend her. But I think you need to take a big step back and let her get on with it. If she goes there she must know the effect it will have on your friendship. But take a big step back from your ex.

starlight2007 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:51:47

just read your reply.. If you are so disinterested and moved on I wonder what you are getting from the contact and messages as you havn't stopped them ?

4kidsandaunicorn Wed 29-Jul-15 09:54:03

Your freind is her own woman, you can't stop her doing something if she has her mind made up. You can choose how you react to it all though. I would have some dignity and just withdraw from it all.

The only reason he has been able to spend the last year asking you back out is because you haven't blocked him on FB or blocked his number.

FB is a PITA IMO, if you didn't have FB (I'm assuming you don't have DCs together) this guy would be a year old memory instead of constantly in your life.

MaidOfStars Wed 29-Jul-15 10:05:08

Ah, I see blush

Too literal for my own good....

IamtheDevilsAvocado Wed 29-Jul-15 10:06:55

I don't think you are not interested.... I suspect you're kidding yourself!

As you say-he's a free agent, as is your friend. Why is it making you feel sick?? Your ex should never, ever have sex with anyone that has a friendship with you?

Or your friend should abide by your rule that no one you know should have sex with your ex?

It sounds as if it's a car crash waiting to happen.

If i was the friend, I would be avoiding your ex at all costs - I would have seen what a arse he was when he was with you!

Perhaps she likes a challenge or bad boys...

Its her choice...

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 29-Jul-15 10:07:47

Maid don't worry grin I am also ridiculously literal. I have to sometimes take jokes apart, then think about it for a bit...then I understand why people think it's funny...I'm like "Oh I see! It's funny because..."

LilyMayViolet Wed 29-Jul-15 10:11:34

I agree with you op. I think he sounds like an absolute slimeball but I also think it's really crap to go out with your friend's ex. God knows why she's even bothering though.

butterflygirl15 Wed 29-Jul-15 10:13:19

block him on facebook and if he continues to hound you then report him to the police. I don't see why you are enjoying his attention so much, anyone else would have told him to eff off months ago.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Wed 29-Jul-15 10:14:38

Oh i would completely cut him out of your life... Why torture yourself??

A pal of mine 25 years ago was with someone like this-she thought she could change his bad boy ways... She couldn't-they parted when their kid was 5- he was 30s at the time. He's at least 3 live in partners later... He has always had the same MO-sponges off women leaves them is hideous debt whilst keeping at least 2/3 women on the go whilst living with someone else.... He jas at least 5 kids now with 5 women... He doesnt believe in contraception.

Utter psychopath - no one appears to learn about him...

LilyMayViolet Wed 29-Jul-15 10:16:07

butterfly is right. However, if your friend starts something with him it's going to be hard to get away from him.

ButterDish Wed 29-Jul-15 10:20:44

You don't sound disinterested (in the sense of neutral) to me, either. Your OP and subsequent comments say two entirely different things.

One that you're horrified she'd consider going out with him because you've filled her in on what an unpleasant man he is, how badly he behaved to you, and the fact that he is still pursuing you. Which is fair enough. No one wants to see a close friend walk in to a potentially abusive relationship, especially if they've been warned.

BUT you are also objecting to them seeing one another on entirely different grounds - that if she sees him, it will 'hurt' you to the extent you will withdraw from the friendship, and she is 'going behind your back' and it shows she has no 'respect' for you. Be honest - what's really going on here? Are you still getting that much satisfaction from an attractive shithead wanting you back? Because some of what you say sounds as if you're still going out with him in your head, which is why you see her dating him as a betrayal.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jul-15 10:22:30

Why haven't you blocked him?
If I was your partner I'd be pretty pissed off about his harassing you and you accepting it and would expect you to block block and block again!
That's just odd that you allow him to do this to you 1 year on!

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