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To expect a bit of support?

(13 Posts)
JustShootMePlease Tue 28-Jul-15 18:56:58

I've just found out my BF has been cheating on me. It's bad timing as my DSis is abroad at the monent and she is the only person other than BF whom I'd lean on in a crisis such as this.

We have spoken on the phone a couple of times since I found out for about 20/30 minutes which I understand is the last thing she wants to do when she's on holiday. This is why I've not called her excessively even though I could do with the support right now.

What has upset me is that during our last phone call I asked if I could read a message exchange between my bf and ow out loud to her and I heard DSis whisper 'not really' in a fed up tone. I Don't think I was meant to hear it and I'm probably being over sensitive but it really hurt me.

Just to give context, we're very close, I'd say we're best friends. She has been going through a tough time over the last few years and I am always there for her, sometimes spending hours talking to her on the phone several times a week. Often I've had other important things to do but generally I'll drop it all to be there for my DSis. And I never complain about it because I feel like it's my job to be there for her when she needs me.

Just feeling massively alone right now and like I have nobody to lean on. I have other friends but nobody I am as close to or would call on in a crisis sad.

I'm probably BU. Guess I just needed a rant.

Fatmomma99 Tue 28-Jul-15 18:59:21


Rant here, if that helps.

I'm sorry about your BF.

bellybuttonfluffy Tue 28-Jul-15 19:00:49

Try and let her enjoy her holiday! If you need support before she gets home, start a thread in Relationships and I'm sure there will be lots of mumsnetters offering support and advice.

TheWitTank Tue 28-Jul-15 19:01:33

I'm so sorry op that you are going through this shitty situation flowers.
However I do think yabu. She is on holiday -30 minutes is a long time on the phone, particularly when you are abroad trying to enjoy a break. I'm sure she will be fully supportive on her return.

PtolemysNeedle Tue 28-Jul-15 19:04:27

YABU. Does she get free calls on holiday? Assuming she's abroad, then you can still be charged a lot for accepting calls. It might also come across as rude to whoever she's with.

TheCatsMother99 Tue 28-Jul-15 19:06:38

Sorry to hear about your stupid BF.

I agree with others in that you need to wait until your sis is home. It wasn't nice the way she behaved but you need to allow her time to rest and enjoy herself, especially if she's had bad times recently too.

JustShootMePlease Tue 28-Jul-15 19:09:01

I had a feeling you might all say that. I guess if the tables were turned I wouldn't mind and indeed have counselled her when I've been on holiday.

Ptolemy, we're calling through an app so it's free. She's there with her BF same as I'm usually with my stbxBF when she calls me.

SergeantJarhead Tue 28-Jul-15 19:18:13

YANBU Op, I've often been a mountain of support to some of who I thought were my best friends, I've been there when I really had important things to do, I've walked miles, I've given them somewhere to live, food to eat and clothes to wear. Afterwards when I wanted a small favour I would have a door slammed in my face.
You just wanted to tell your sister and best friend that you needed her, for a few minutes, she's on holiday. 30 minutes wouldn't have killed her holiday.

DoJo Tue 28-Jul-15 19:23:29

That overheard moment could have meant anything - her boyfriend might have asked if she wanted a drink and she was fed up because she was trying to listen to you; he might have asked if she was nearly done and she was fed up with him trying to hurry her! If she is there, listening and sacrificing her holiday time to talk you through this difficult situation, then I would just be glad that you have her to lean on and avoid thinking the worst of a remark that you may not even have in context. flowers for you though - it sounds like you are in a shit situation and I wish you the best with it.

Totality22 Tue 28-Jul-15 19:25:02

Was there a massive time difference? Was she and her BF doing something when you rang? (dinner / round the pool having / having sex / visiting a sacred temple)

JustShootMePlease Tue 28-Jul-15 19:41:06

Thanks Sergeant. I guess that's the angle I'm coming at it from.

DoJo, I actually pulled her up on it in a jokey way like 'oi, I heard that!' and she and her BF both laughed nervously and she said 'did I?' trying to wiggle out of it. It was the tone and although she has spent the time talking to me, I can tell she doesn't really want to so this comment hurt a lot.

Totality, there's a 4 hour time difference and she called me back a while after I dropped her a missed call.

I do appreciate the time she's spending counselling me, I guess it would be nice if she didn't make it obvious I was being a nuisance. I did say I felt bad interrupting her holiday and I would wait till she's back but she said she was there for me but then this comment made it clear that she doesn't really want to. Sometimes when I've been on the phone to her for a long time I'm feeling guilty about the other stuff I should be doing but I never let her know that.

RosePetels Tue 28-Jul-15 19:57:04

Aw op im sorry about that, you can rant here. Sometimes it is better to rant to strangers because they will give non biased opinions.
I think your sis just wants to enjoy her hols, I know it's upsetting but she needs her time too.

LilacWine7 Tue 28-Jul-15 20:09:41

Sorry about your boyfriend cheating. It must have been an awful shock and it's horrible to feel alone at times like this...
... but I think YABVU to expect your sister to counsel you over the phone right now. She's trying to enjoy her holiday abroad. She's probably been looking forward to it for ages, saving up etc and needs a break. She's also with her BF, it would be rude if she keeps leaving him alone or delaying outings/meals to talk to you on phone.

It's not like you're having a life-threatening emergency. I think it's a bit selfish to expect her to to listen to your relationship problems right now. I expect her BF is also fed-up at the prospect of her being on the phone to you a lot when they've come away for a rare romantic break. It will spoil their holiday if she's worrying about you the whole time and trying to make you feel better. Let her enjoy her time away.

You say you have other friends, so maybe now is the time to lean on them a bit. Or as others have said, get support from MN until your DSis gets home. I'm sure she'll be very supportive and make up for it when she gets back. But I think it's mean to pester her when she's abroad and she can't really do anything other than listen/advise. She's made it clear it's not really appropriate for you to be phoning her about this and I think you need to respect that.

I was once in a similar situation, I was on a long-awaited spa break when a close friend had a relationship crisis. I was sympathetic and listened patiently, but she insisted on phoning me every eve all 3 nights and it really put a dampener on the mini break. I couldn't relax, I was worried about her and I dreaded getting the latest teary update and being stuck on the phone for hours. I felt resentful because she could have waited a few days and let me have my much-needed relaxing break. It affected our friendship afterwards as I felt she didn't really understand what she'd done or appreciate how it had ruined my holiday.

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