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To think some things should be kept private (warning upsetting)

(284 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

ReginaBlitz Tue 28-Jul-15 00:06:30

I was scrolling down newsfeed on fb and a "friend" had shared a post it was a picture of a one day old baby that had passed away, with the headline please share to say Thankyou to the staff of such and such hospital, this was posted by the baby's dad. Obviously this is awful and the parents are going through hell, but I think this is so inappropriate. I think photos like this should be private not shared by randoms all over Facebook it's upsetting (yes I know it's upsetting having it happen) but why not use a photo of her alive I am actually in shock it's seriously got to me and can't imagine how someone this has happened to would feel seeing these pictures. So Aibu to think these photos should be kept private?

AlwaysSpoiled34 Tue 28-Jul-15 00:08:58

Photos like that should be private. Tell about your loss but don't upload the photo.

DancingDinosaur Tue 28-Jul-15 00:12:33

I don't see why they shouldn't share a photo of their baby. It may be the only one they have.

TheRealMaryMillington Tue 28-Jul-15 00:12:50

I think they might come to regret their decision to share that image.

Poor parents.

WorraLiberty Tue 28-Jul-15 00:14:04

My friend has a photo of her stillborn son on her mantelpiece, and he just looks like he's sleeping peacefully.

YANBU really but I can't imagine what the parents are going through, so whatever helps them really.

Fatmomma99 Tue 28-Jul-15 00:17:42

Sorry, but I think you ABU.... It's not about you and how you feel about seeing that image, although I do understand it's upset you.

It's about the grieving parents doing what is right for them, which surely must come first at this time. This will be the only opportunity that poor man has to share a photo of his child on FB. I effing hate FB, and it would never be my choice, but I wouldn't criticize him for his.

CrispyFern Tue 28-Jul-15 00:17:51

I disagree, I've read grieving parents write about this sort of thing and it changed how I thought.
They love their baby. Why should she be kept private like a bad secret? She's their beautiful child, they feel proud of her.
It might be the only photo they have.

Let them grieve how they want without judgement, if you feel uncomfortable, put that to one side.
Everyone dies, sometimes babies die.
That's what a dead baby looks like. Yes it's upsetting.
So. Count your blessings.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Tue 28-Jul-15 00:20:34

Regina I don't understand this oversharing either but maybe if they are grieving, theyre not thinking straight or in some way they feel its helping. Who knows, its not what I would do but I haven't lost a child.

GameOfGroans Tue 28-Jul-15 00:22:24

I agree with you op. I saw the same image earlier on, and as I'm about to give birth any day it really affected me. Keep it on a private page by all means but please don't encourage all to share!

ReginaBlitz Tue 28-Jul-15 00:22:31

Obviously it's unthinkable the pain they are going through. The thing is how it's described is they knew she would only be with them for a day as its thanking the staff for keeping her there for the day, so I doubt that's the only photo they would have taken. I suppose everyone's different but it just seems so unnecessarysad

cantbelieveimonhere Tue 28-Jul-15 00:23:02

By sharing (in whatever medium - in person, message, fb etc) it acknowledges the life and death of a real person, this couple's baby. He/she was part of their lives, and his/her death is a loss to a whole community (couple, couple's family, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc). The death of this baby is just as significant as that of any other person. Sharing also creates opportunities for others to know, and then talk with the bereaved couple, about their child. eg he had a full head of hair, he looked like...

TBH I'm genuinely shocked that someone would even suggest it is BU

SorchaN Tue 28-Jul-15 00:25:47

The people I know who have lost very young babies or had late stillbirths have always talked about them, carried pictures of them, and so on. Perinatal mortality is more common than most people realise, and I think if people want to talk about their children, or their loss, why should anyone shut them up?

ashtrayheart Tue 28-Jul-15 00:26:51

This is about their feelings not yours. You might feel uncomfortable, they are in bits. Yabu.

ReginaBlitz Tue 28-Jul-15 00:27:27

Fatmomma I didn't say this was about me as obviously they are going through hell, but I didn't choose to see the photo and it's not being shared amongst just their family and friends literally any random person will be seeing the pics I don't agree with that people should have a choice whether they see the picture

Cabawill Tue 28-Jul-15 00:28:18

I saw the post earlier too and found it upsetting (I've never been through it personally) but know it must be heartbreaking for the family.

I think YANBU to not want to see it, especially if it triggers past feelings for you, however, as PP have said its whatever the grieving parents can do to ease their hurt.

ashtrayheart Tue 28-Jul-15 00:28:52

It's Facebook- you will see all sorts of things you didn't 'choose' to see.

Mutt Tue 28-Jul-15 00:30:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Tue 28-Jul-15 00:31:56

I haven't seen it but is it a particularly gruesome pic, or just a pic of a baby who appears to be peacefully sleeping?

Linskibinski Tue 28-Jul-15 00:34:07

I've never lost a child but when I lost my dad and brother within 24 hrs of each other, my Db quite unexpectedly and tragically, I used twitter as a soundboard. I offloaded my grief and feelings to the world. Looking back I don't know what I was thinking, but I needed to tell someone, even a virtual someone. It did help for a very short time and I don't actually regret it. When you are mad with grief you do whatever works for you and that has to be acceptable. But it can be incredibly difficult for others. Social media can end up anywhere so I get the downside. But I have to go on the side of their grief, their choice, yabu. sad

WorraLiberty Tue 28-Jul-15 00:34:12

Oh and by the way, some people will have plenty of photo opportunities with their babies when they're alive, but often their are tubes etc in the baby's nose.

That's possibly why they chose this photo. It might have been the only pic without all of that and therefore their favourite.

manicinsomniac Tue 28-Jul-15 00:34:13

My worry would be that either the parents didn't really mean for their photo to be shared with the whole world wide web or that it could be a hoax altogether.

I think that parents should, if they want to, be able to share photos and memories of their still born child on their own facebook pages with their own families, friends and acquaintances.

But this is different. It seem voyeuristic and, even if they did choose it, it may not be a decision they would have made when not blinded by grief.

After all, had the child been born healthy, they would have shared their happiness and thanks to the hospital staff on their own personal pages only, wouldn't they. Not with every random person on facebook.

nocoolnamesleft Tue 28-Jul-15 00:34:49

This may well be their only photo where they can see their much loved baby's face. Because if they died at only a day old, the odds are pretty high that any photos of them living are with a breathing tube in their mouth, a NG tube up their nose, tape across their face...well, you get the idea. They are going through hell, so anything that makes that even the tiniest bit better is fine with me.

But just think. Think of all they have lost. They haven't just lost all the future years of time together. They have even lost most of the ordinary little joys of that one day. If, as is very likely, their baby was born extremely sick:

No happy first skin to skin - whisked onto a resuscitaire to be worked on by the team
No guess the weight - someone will have seized a moment to convert the SCBU kg to lbs and oz, but they won't have been there to see it
Not "Is it a boy or a girl?" but rather "Why aren't they crying? Are they okay?!?!?"
Not "Great news" phonecalls of delight to the world, but desperate strained calls of despair
No "congratulations" as noone knows what to say
No feeds, no nappy changes, no cuddles...except that wonderful, terrible, one and only last cuddle as the machines are switched off

So, for me, if they want to snatch one nanosecond of normality by sharing the photo they have, then that is fine by me. And if I knew them even slightly, I would be finding something to say about how beautiful their baby was. Because to them, they certainly were.

GameOfGroans Tue 28-Jul-15 00:35:11

Cantbelive I'm with you to an extent, as in I agree that sharing the pictures with their own friends and family may ease their pain. However in this case they are asking complete strangers to share the picture so it goes viral!

I cannot for one moment imagine the pain that these parents are going through, however just before giving birth seeing this picture was the last thing I needed to see.

thefourgp Tue 28-Jul-15 00:35:22

It's a difficult one but yanbu. My husband's friend and I were due our first child on the same due date. Two days before the due date his friend's child was still born. My husband went to the funeral (I didn't as I thought it would upset them too much to see me) and they invited my husband and another friend back to their house after. They showed him photos of their dead baby and when I picked him up later my husband was more upset than I'd ever seen him before. I knew they were having a much more difficult time than either of us would likely ever experience (luckily our child was born healthy two weeks later) but I couldn't help but feel annoyed that they had shown him those photos knowing we were due a child too and it would cause him a great deal of worry and distress. I can't imagine grieving parents can think of anything but their overwhelming loss so while I agree that sharing such sad photos on facebook is not appropriate (people wouldn't post photos of a dead adult relation) it is understandable that they feel the need to publicly express what they're going through.

manicinsomniac Tue 28-Jul-15 00:36:00

sorry, posted too soon.

They now have absolutely no control over that precious image and what happens to it. That may well not be something they ever wanted or will still want a few weeks down the line.

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