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AIBU?

To think DP's parents are being utterly horrible to their children

16 replies

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 27/07/2015 23:33

DP's younger brother and his wife are deeply unpleasant people. They have made a hobby of trying to stir up trouble for DP and his siblings. For example, when other BIL and his wife were going on holiday to try and save their troubled marriage, nasty brother and his wife convinced SIL (who suffers from serious mental health issues) that the reason BIL was bringing her on holiday was that he planned to drown her in the lake. That's just the tip of the horrid iceberg.

They have sent repeated texts to DP, his siblings, and our nieces and nephews suggesting that they hope we all die. Then cut contact with all of us. And now wail to anyone who will listen that their family abandoned them.

Increadibly, DP's parents have chosen to almost completely cut contact with the rest of their children, so as to appease this son and his wife.

So last week it was FIL's birthday. DP's sister lives over an hour away, so confirmed with her parents that they would be home at a certain time on a particular day. She drove over an hour with FIL's birthday present, and when she arrived PIL's weren't there. When she phoned her Mum, she was told that nasty BIL and SIL wanted to go for breakfast, so they went.

Tonight, DP went to drop his Dad's birthday present around (he's been very busy with work, hence not doing it sooner). His Mum told him they would be home from 21:30. At 21:50 we arrived at their house. PILs car wasn't in the drive, but nasty BIL's was, and we could clearly see that he and his wife were in the sitting (lights on, curtains open). We rang the doorbell and knocked the door several times, they looked right out at us but didn't answer the door. DP phoned his Mum a couple of times and she didn't answer. He's letting on that he doesn't care, but I can tell he's upset.

How can PIL treat their children so horribly. DP and his sister have recently talked about cutting contact with them. I insisted that this was a bad idea, as there's no coming back from it. AIBU to think that they might be right, and, as SIL said, that their parents are just horrible to their children and don't deserve to be given any more chances?

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MammaTJ · 27/07/2015 23:49

I can't help but wonder if cutting all contact might leave a couple in an abusive situation with no support at all.

They don't sound particularly elderly, with working but it may go on for years if unchecked.

LilyMayViolet · 27/07/2015 23:52

This sounds like a truly awful situation. Are the parents basic being controlled by the son and his wife then? How scarey.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 27/07/2015 23:56

See, that's my take on it, Mamma. They aren't elderly or frail (both mid 60's). However, I often wonder if nasty BIL and SIL are manipulating them. I know they have threatened PILs with never seeing their grandchildren again if PIL's dare to do anything that displeases them (eg spending time with us). So I'm wary of cutting contact for that reason. However I'm also upset at seeing DP shrugged off and disregarded repeatedly. He doesn't deserve it.

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LilyMayViolet · 27/07/2015 23:58

It's just that in the first part of your op the things you described the son and wife doing were really sinister. Who knows what they are capable of if they behave like that. It must be terrible for your DH.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 28/07/2015 00:02

I'm so glad I posted now! Lily, yes, I think you may be correct there. God, there is a good chance that hateful BIL and SIL are emotionally abusing PILs. DP is unfortunately suffering the consequences. I'm actually worried for PILs now. What can we do? They won't see any of us. DP's siblings have completely washed their hands if the situation, but then that's what nasty BIL and SIL would want, isn't it?

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LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 00:04

Yes it is. They sound absolutely deranged. It's very concerning to hear that they have children of their own.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 28/07/2015 00:06

Yes, Lily, they have done some deeply unpleasant, sinister stuff. It sounds dramatic, but I think they are capable of anything. They pretended to be friends and allies of SIL, now separated from BIL, while convincing her that her husband is plotting to murder her?

Jaysus, now I feel the need to rescue PILs. But they won't so much as speak to us on the phone. We last saw them face to face at my Granda's funeral last October

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Corygal · 28/07/2015 00:06

DPs parents are being abused, and I don't often use that word. For the love of God, don't cut contact - even tho the poor frightened parents will be forced to ignore you.

I really haven't a clue what to suggest apart from that - but you need to be ready to do something. This is beyond horrid.

LilyMayViolet · 28/07/2015 00:07

Someone in my family was sort of brainwashed by an awful person when they were vulnerable. The only thing we could do was to keep the lines of communication open. Eventually she came back and asked for help.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/07/2015 00:12

Could you and DP write to them? Im certain no matter what hold BIL and SIL have over them, they will be glad to know that you both care. Maybe try and hint in the letter that whilst they may prefer not to meet face to face "to keep the peace" tjat you would be happy to regularly correspond via letters?

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 28/07/2015 00:14

Oh God, thank you for all your responses. Cory, thank you for forcing me to see the harsh reality. I'm gutted, I was always very close with FIL. I suppose it was easier to think that they were just being arseholes, than the alternative.

I have no idea what the fuck to do now. DP's sister told us just the other day that she was done with her parents, would never have anything to do with them again.

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Fatmomma99 · 28/07/2015 00:15

Sorry to ask, but how many children are there?

There are your PIL, nasty younger brother and an older sibling. is that right?

Are there more?

I would suggest that all of you who aren't EVIL brother and wife maintain a relationship under the radar of evil brother, if that is possible. I don't think ILs are being mean here, I think they're jumping through the hoops of evil brother.

One final thought (just cos it's hard to know from a website post), if this was a reverse thread, what would evil brother be posting? (if you can).

Horrible situation - good luck!

AnImpalaCalledBABY · 28/07/2015 00:16

As awful as your bil and sil sound, your pil are adults (and don't seem vunerable through age or ill health?) and so you can't 'rescue' them

Your pil have chosen to treat their other children badly, yes they may be under pressure but they are responsible for their own behaviour

You might have to cut contact to protect yourselves from this toxic situation, but you could give the pil one last chance to salvage things? If you are clear that you can't be involved any longer and that if it doesn't stop you will be going no contact then everyone knows where they stand, you could encourage them to get in touch in the future if they change their minds

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 28/07/2015 00:31

Fatmomma, there are 5 siblings. DP's oldest brother, then his sister, then the next brother, then DP, then nasty brother. In fairness, DP's parents aren't without fault in general. Oldest brother married a woman who already had a child, oldest BIL adopted her son, PIL refuse to acknowledge him as their grandson. He's not really part of the family, apparently.

If evil BIL were posting, it would be along the lines of 'my siblings and their partners have it in for me, they are horrible to me and have stopped speaking to me '. Even though he was the one who stopped speaking to us. They have been particularly vicious towards me, for some reason.

DP and his (other) siblings do say that this whole situation has brought them much closer, so I suppose some good has come of it

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Fatmomma99 · 28/07/2015 00:38

Then, Shadows, I don't see why you and the other sibs can't collude to provide an alternative relationship which evil bro doesn't have to be part of.

Is that possible? Sounds like it might be?????

If not, you can, at least, all club together and be united, which (although not ideal) is, at least, something.

Good luck!

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 28/07/2015 00:58

That's pretty much what we have been doing, Fatmomma. DP says that the one good thing to come out of this situation is that he has become much closer with the rest of his siblings.

It'd be lovely if we could all have a relationship with PILs outside of the nonsense with the nasty BIL and SIL, but sadly we can barely get them to see us individually, never mind all together.

Thanks so much everyone for the advice, and helping me see things differently. I'll be trying to keep in closer contact with PILs, and not letting BIL prevent us from speaking with them.

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