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To put my daughter before my husband?

(159 Posts)
funnybones30 Mon 27-Jul-15 21:38:18

My DD who is 14 got drunk a few months ago and engaged in sexual activity with a boy (not intercourse).

She told me about it as she felt guilty and was very upset. I told my husband who went crazy about it (to be expected) and called her all sorts of names, slag etc

Since then they don't appear to have much of a relationship. She says he doesn't like her. She will speak to him but he will be quite abrupt or ignore her. He loses his temper with her quite easily. He is quite moody anyway, well for the last three years or so.

He tells me she has no respect for anything or anyone. He says I spend too much time chauffeuring her about. I think she is being a normal teenager. She will snap on occasions plus have moods but she realises this and will apologise.

He doesn't think she should be out with her friends all the time even though it is the summer holidays and that she should stay in more.

He said to me he could easily kick her out if she was 16, he wouldn't though. I feel like I'm caught between our DD and husband.

I'm beginning to think maybe I should split with him and move out with our other child also. I'm really fed up with it and cant see any other way.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

pickingstrawberries Mon 27-Jul-15 21:40:12

I would. In a heartbeat. No way would anyone call my daughter a slag, her father or not. No way,

Seriouslyffs Mon 27-Jul-15 21:41:45

He sounds horrible. Yes, I'd prioritise her not him. But he does have a point about her socialising now. How are you ensuring she's safe?

PurpleWithRed Mon 27-Jul-15 21:41:48

Is he her father? Either way, choose her - she's much nicer than he is, he's horrible.

Artistic Mon 27-Jul-15 21:41:52

Your DD is going through a difficult phase called 'teenage'. The last thing she needs is being called names by her dad! Be supportive. She needs you more than your DH does.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 27-Jul-15 21:41:58

Put your dd first, this man is callous and your children will thank you for getting away from him.

Ragusa Mon 27-Jul-15 21:43:04

Is he her father? Actually it doesn't matter. He sounds really, really awful. Anyone who thinks it's OK to call a 14 year old a slag has really got to go. That is terrible. It's normal for 14 year olds to be starting to experiment sexually.

He sounds like he doesn't have much respect for women at all, and wants to keep them in their place. It sounds like the best thing you can do for your DD, yourself and any other children would be to remove them from this situation.

HOrrible. Stuff like this makes me so cross. flowers

Pooka Mon 27-Jul-15 21:43:05

YANBU.

I could not have any respect whatsoever for a father who could call his daughter a slag.

Arsehole.

NickiFury Mon 27-Jul-15 21:43:36

She's 14 and learning how to become a woman. He will completely screw up her self esteem and idea of herself and relationships. Having been called a "slag" by her own father she is already starting to be conditioned to feel that sex and she are "dirty" and that it's ok for men who "care" about her to be abusive to her.

Vile man. I would have him gone in a heartbeat.

DJThreeDog Mon 27-Jul-15 21:43:52

She is 14! I can't believe he called her a slag, what an absolutely horrible man.

MoseShrute Mon 27-Jul-15 21:43:52

I would be very upset if my dd had got drunk and done something inappropriate sexually however your dh's reaction is weird and extreme. Were there problems between them before this episode?

KoalaDownUnder Mon 27-Jul-15 21:44:23

He sounds like an arsehole. What kind of man calls their 14-year-old daughter a slag?? Vile.

Is he her dad? (I find the way some of these OPs are written so unclear.)

Artistic Mon 27-Jul-15 21:44:31

I despise it when a parent uses bad language at their child - no matter at what age & no matter what the situation. It is unforgivable IMO.

Ragusa Mon 27-Jul-15 21:45:38

And how dare he say she has no respect for anyone if he himself is stonewalling her, being moody when she talks to him, and calling her a slag??? FFS. Has he ever come across the concept of leading by example? No? Thought not. Please please show your DD that women do not have to put up with this shit.

KoalaDownUnder Mon 27-Jul-15 21:45:43

Ha! Cross-posted.

It seems that 'vile' and 'arsehole' sums it up.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 27-Jul-15 21:45:45

My mum used to call me a slag and a slut when I was a teen, I found it extremely damaging and it still lives with me today. Don't stay with a man who shows no respect to you or your daughter.

funnybones30 Mon 27-Jul-15 21:46:46

He is her dad yes.

I usually drive her to and from where she is going. I know where she is at all times. I talk to her all the time about not smoking (she doesn't) plus we have had a few talks about the alcohol. She got drunk at someone's house party.

My DH just cannot forgive what she has done.

SnapesCapes Mon 27-Jul-15 21:49:05

Wow, his reaction was extreme; surely the whole point in her telling you was that you were able to give her support/guidance rather than shaming her? I'd have gone bezerk at that.

Have you sat him down and asked him what's going on and why he's behaving that way? Have you told him how close you are to walking away? He might need the kick up the arse to get a grip on himself and try and salvage the situation. Or he might just be a total dick you're better off without. Your DD most likely won't miss his shitty attitudes; why on earth would he want her gone?

flowers You sound like you're having a bloody rough time trying to keep them both happy.

Kayden Mon 27-Jul-15 21:49:05

OP said "our DD", so I assume he's her biological father. He is wholly unreasonable. I couldn't be with a man who called a child such names.

textfan Mon 27-Jul-15 21:49:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scatterthenuns Mon 27-Jul-15 21:49:32

Your daughter hasn't done anything that needs forgiving, by DH or anyone else.

I'd leave asap. He is scum, and sexist scum at that.

Kayden Mon 27-Jul-15 21:50:21

Sorry, didn't see your last post. I feel for you, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my partner but my children always come first.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 27-Jul-15 21:50:31

She hasn't done anything that hundreds of young people before her haven't already done and what she did do wasn't unforgivable. Has he never made a mistake or done something he's later regretted doing, does he live by his own impossibly high standards?

Oswin Mon 27-Jul-15 21:51:10

Ltb. It is not for him to forgive what she chose to do with her own body.
He seems to take it as a personal slight. Which is fucking weird. He is a twat.

scatterthenuns Mon 27-Jul-15 21:51:17

Reading this again, I think DH is very, very uncomfortable, angry and misguided about having a daughter, and coming to terms with her growing up, and being a sexual being.

He really needs to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

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