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To consider dropping a friendship over one opinion?

(94 Posts)
Hypotenuse Mon 27-Jul-15 18:28:22

My religious friends are 'anti-homosexuals'. We've been friends for years and their religion has never caused any issues, just like my atheism hasn't. I just overheard the husband saying something anti-gay to his friends recently, I wasn't even part of the discussion, and now I see them completely differently. I had no idea they felt that way.

I can't seem to get past it. Is it petty to call the friendship off?

The5DayChicken Mon 27-Jul-15 18:30:38

I've dumped someone for coming out with racist comments...I don't see this as being any different.

ThatBloodyWoman Mon 27-Jul-15 18:30:51

If you value the friendship,then make your views known,and see it as an opportunity to teach them some tolerance.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 27-Jul-15 18:30:53

No, YANBU. I couldn't be friends with homophobes as it directly contradicts my beliefs.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Mon 27-Jul-15 18:32:44

That would be an absolute deal-breaker for me, I'm afraid.

HeadFairy Mon 27-Jul-15 18:33:43

I guess it depends how much you value the friendship. I have a friend I've known for over 20 years who has really different views to me on the Middle East.... We clash occasionally on FB because she accuses the organisation I work for (and me too) of being bigoted and biased - which we're not I hasten to add. Because we have such a long history and on all other matters we're great friends I've had to take the view that I'm just not going to engage with her on this subject. She still regularly posts inflammatory things but I'm doing my best to ignore <sits on hands>

MaidOfStars Mon 27-Jul-15 18:33:47

Dealbreaker for me, too.

HeadFairy Mon 27-Jul-15 18:35:38

On the matter of homophobia and racism though, I would make my views known, if they still continued to make racist/homophobic comments in my presence I would struggle. People can hold any opinions they like for whatever reason, but if they know those opinions upset me and continue to make comments that distress me then I would really question whether they are a friend at all.

paulapompom Mon 27-Jul-15 18:37:52

Very tricky, but surely religions have to promote love, tolerance etc? And before I am flamed to high heaven (pardon the pun! ) I know not all DO, but surely that should be the aim. I would try and speak to them about this part of their belief, but be prepared that they probably won't budge, it would end things for me, sorry.

CognitiveIllusion Mon 27-Jul-15 18:38:03

I guess for me it would depend on exactly what the comment was. I could still be friends with someone who is anti gay marriage (although I'm pro it myself, I hasten to add), but if they think gays should be imprisoned then I would really struggle to stay friends.

RosePetels Mon 27-Jul-15 18:39:01

I had a friend like this, I told her I have no issue with gay people so to not say anti gay comments around me. She stopped.
I have cut her off though for other reasons.

FreakinScaryCaaw Mon 27-Jul-15 18:40:22

No I couldn't be friends with them. It's people like them who've caused so much distress for gay people. Imagine being their child and being gay? <shudder>

ClunkyBoobster Mon 27-Jul-15 18:40:36

definitely NBU. I would tell them you heard and it has bothered you. maybe give them a chance to explain. otherwise I would probably let the friendship drift apart. I've let a lot of friendships die over politics (I'm American) and to be this is much more serious.

cocobean2805 Mon 27-Jul-15 18:49:36

I don't think I'd be able to get past it personally. Homophobia is disgusting.

Spartans Mon 27-Jul-15 18:53:15

Yanbu. But your OP suggests you already knew they were 'anti-homosexual' why is it an issue now?

Hypotenuse Mon 27-Jul-15 18:58:56

Re read it Spartans. I've always known they are religious, not that they are anti-gay. I only heard that opinion recently.

Murfles Mon 27-Jul-15 18:59:16

A friend from my primary school got back in touch with me and the first few meetings were as if we'd never been apart until she started coming out with little comments that unsettled me. We went out for a meal one night and was making veiled racial comments to our waiter so I challenged her about it. She was a complete racist and homophobic. I shut her out of my life after telling her what I thought of her "beliefs". I couldn't be friends with anyone who was so small minded.

dangerrabbit Mon 27-Jul-15 19:09:05

As a gay person myself brought up in a religious family who went to a religious school, I had a number of school friends who were homophobic, as I was myself before coming to terms with my sexuality. Some of these friends I am no longer in touch with as we were uncomfortable around each other when I came out; others, including my best school friend, changed their views when they saw me going through a difficult time. As I valued the friendship I didn't want to judge them for their homophobic views, however this was back in the 90s when being homophobic was more trendy.

This probably doesn't apply so well to adults rather than teenagers though as adults are less likely to change their views.

Spartans Mon 27-Jul-15 19:09:07

I did re read it.

You said 'my religious friends are anti homosexual' I read it as you knew this the same as you knew they were religious, but the comment in particular put you off.

That's why my post says 'your OP suggests' I didn't say definitely.

Capricorn76 Mon 27-Jul-15 19:10:16

I'd end it. I've got zero tolerance for homophobia and racism. I wouldn't even try to 'challenge' or 'educate' becuase everyone over the age of 5 knows these things are wrong.

If more people made it clear they didn't stand for these things, the bigots would quickly feel isolated, shut up and maybe have a rethink.

dangerrabbit Mon 27-Jul-15 19:12:11

I am encouraged and uplifted by the views on this thread, however.

OP, how do you think your friends would react if you were to challenge them on their homophobia? Would that be a friendship-ending conversation?

Jux Mon 27-Jul-15 19:17:02

I think homophobia should be challenged, and if you dump them as friends then who has the opportunity to give a different pov? Not you, anyway.

So, keep them as friends but be prepared to challenge them. They'll be unpersuadable as they'll do all the selective Chapter and Verse Bible quoting that religious people always do.

I used to be a Roman Catholic, and one of my best friends was a gay chap. He was RC too and came to Mass every Sunday, took communion every Sunday. The priests knew very well that he was gay and lived with his partner, but they accepted him and never turned him away.

They were Jesuits, so I guess they weren't like 'yer average' Parish Priest.

Point is, that somehow or other, being gay didn't cause him to be rejected by the Church. This was in the 80s, and perhaps that Pope's attitude was different.

Maybe your friends don't approve of homosexuals but are perfectly OK with them in person? A sort of 'hate the sin, love the sinner' thing?

whemovedmypopcorn Mon 27-Jul-15 19:21:28

I'd dump to be honest. If they said the same about Jewish people or Asians you'd dump wouldn't you?

WorriedMutha Mon 27-Jul-15 19:23:17

There is something a bit odd about the original post which states that you know your friends to be anti-homosexual but then say you now feel differently about them after hearing one say something that is anti-gay.
I am okay with those who are against gay marriage for religious reasons or believe it to be a sin as I believe people should be free to hold this view. I would not be happy with friends who consider it would be acceptable to discriminate against gay people.
I have many friends who probably hold more conservative views than I do about some things but I really don't let it get in the way of friendship. People sometimes move on or catch up at their own pace.

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 27-Jul-15 19:25:45

But it's not up to them 'to approve' of anyone's inate being. If someone is gay, they're gay; it's not for other people to 'approve' of them or not.

Anyone who 'hates the sin, loves the sinner' when it comes to homosexuality is a bigot, and there's no dressing it up in a palatable way.

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