To be confused at my DH suddenly becoming over protective?(19 Posts)
Background: we've been together for 17 years, married for 14 of those. DH works away quite a lot during the month (usually for about half of each month). I have become accustomed to basically doing my own thing - I spend a lot of evenings doing sport (military fitness, boxing, swimming, kickboxing), vintage modelling etc, as otherwise I'd be on my own in the house every night sat on my backside.
We've recently started TTC #1 (when he's at home).
Issue: I've been asked by a male friend at work (in my team, who I work with every day, and go swimming with twice a week) whether I want to go to a concert next week in the local area. It's a band I wouldn't mind watching, but I know that DH wouldn't want to go - he doesn't like them - so I'd not considered buying tickets originally. Male friend's girlfriend was going to go, but now has to work away next week (she works in the building next to us for a different company).
Hubby is due back from being away that night, but realistically wouldn't get back until late that night with flights and driving back from the airport. It's not like I'd have dinner waiting when he got home.
I mentioned (via email) that I was probably going out with Male Friend next week; and DH has sent various piteous sulky messages back along the lines of "Oh, I'll have been away all week and I get back that night, it's a shame you won't be at home"; "Who are you going with again? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"; "You're going to be back really late, are you sure you'll be ok for work the next day?"
He knows that I work with Male Friend every day, and that we go swimming together 2 lunchtimes a week.
DH has several female friends, and goes off for dinner/to meet up with with them on a regular basis, without me, and I have absolutely no issues with it at all. He spent most last Friday with a female friend who has recently had twins (5wks) and took her and the babies out for the day - and I am perfectly fine with it.
AIBU to think his behaviour is faintly ridiculous, for making such a fuss about a simple night out?
Yep he's being odd. Have you asked him what's up with the sulky texts? Has he just no realised that by the time he gets home you'll be home too/v soon?
Tbh with him being away so much it sounds like he expects to have all your time when he's home but life doesn't work like that. You still get to go out if he's home.
Reverse or not, I think it's a bit off to go to a concert with some one off the opposite sex if you're in a relationship
Northern, the 50s are calling!
OP, sounds as if your husband suffers from double standards. I wouldn't take a blind bit of notice. If he's jealous, the least he can do us actually come out and say so, rather than wrapping it up in faux concerns about work the next morning.
He's not over protective. He's jealous and sulking like a toddler . Ignore
But, but, but.... he's the man. He's entitled to have a social life, but the woman he owns must always be available to him when he wants her.
I have to ask why your DH went out for the day with a woman and her 5 week-old twins. This sounds very weird to me. Not suspicious but in a logistical bottle/breast feeding, nappies, etc kind of way. And a mother of such young twins is not likely to be relaxed / good company surely...
Go the concert. Your DH is behaving like a petulant 8 year old.
I can actually see why he might be a bit annoyed that you aren't in when he gets home after being away. It's very easy to get into your own routines and find ways to fill your time when your OH works away or works a lot of nights/weekends, so to you it's not like you are doing something unusual in making these plans.
But he has been away, and probably just misses you and wants to see you?
However, it's a bit off to go to a concert with some one off the opposite sex if you're in a relationship - I don't agree with that at all. You become friends with people, not a gender. Why on earth can't someone be friends with someone of the opposite sex? And if you both like the same films, or bands, why on earth can't you then go and see them?
I don't think it's necessarily double standards - no mention of if he has one on one dates with female friends. I don't think you should cancel or anything, but he's obviously upset (which is not a crime) - why not make time to do something nice with him another evening?
Sorry - there is mention of precisely this! But I still think he is maybe just sad at not getting to see you - benefit of the doubt and all that.
Really Northern? how ridiculous.
OP your DH is being a bit of a dick, ignore him & enjoy the gig.
OhNo - the new mum in question is a friend of his from work, and her hubby has gone back to work already. She doesn't have much in the way of a support network (i.e. no close family), and can't lift/drive due to c-section. DH took her and the babies out to the park for a bit and then for lunch at a cafe.
YABU to say he is being over protective.
He is being possessive. Over protective implies that he is worried about you, or that his heart is in the right place but he is going about it all wrong.
Tell him to get stuffed.
Well whether I was male or female, I'd be sad if I had been away for half a month and when I got home my OH had gone out for the night with a friend - no matter whether they were male or female - and wasn't there to say "hi" to me.*
It would make me feel as if I really, REALLY, hadn't been missed.
Flame away, all you with robust self-esteem who think that's pathetic. I expect you are right.
* Come to think of it, this is the sort of thing I would do on purpose if I was pissed off with my OH going away a lot and treating me as if I always had to be available as SGB puts it.
The thing is, usually he only gets home after 10pm anyway....I'm usually getting ready for bed (or in bed) by the time he has driven from the airport.
When he's away we call or Skype every night, so it's not like I don't speak to him; and next week, he's only away Mon-Thurs, so won't have been away for weeks (like usual)
This just sounds like a communication issue.
He misses you and would like to see you when he gets home, but he's sending the wrong messages about it, instead of just saying "that's a shame, I was really looking forward to see you on Friday night"
You really want to go to the gig, but possibly haven't explained that properly either.
You could continue to make a mountain out of a molehill. Or you could just say you'd really like to go to the gig that night as it's a one off.
Well presumably he chose a career where he works away a lot. He can't expect you to put your life on hold in the meantime. It sounds like you spend lots of time apart and I agree it would be nice to see him asap he returns. However, if you always do this, surely you're going to miss out on any evening events that occur on whichever day he comes back. That's not good or fair. Go to the gig.
His career has taken that turn as he's got more qualified and more senior in his company. He's in quite a specialist role, so ends up in demand on certain projects. In the next 10 weeks he's in Belgium, Sweden, Holland, Norway and France.
Anyhow, I've told him I'm going to the gig, and that we'll go out for a nice meal the night after. That seems to have placated him. Who needs kids when you have a sulky DH??
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