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To feel jealous of friend

(62 Posts)
Meanjealousmate Mon 27-Jul-15 11:05:19

I have name changed as I am embarrassed to admit how jealous I am of my friend.

We were best friends at school and then at university she met a medical student. She is now happily married to a successful doctor and they live in a huge beautiful home with two gorgeous little girls and she is a sahm and always looks like she's doing exciting and fun filled trips and lovely holidays, perfect haircuts and expensive makeup.

In contrast I have a rubbish job and poky flat and no time to meet anyone!

I know I'm BU but I get so sad and jealous of her life!

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 27-Jul-15 11:07:09

Why's your job rubbish?

chrome100 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:08:29

YANBU.

I too suffer from jealousy of a particular friend and really try to keep it in check. She is lovely and a really terrific friend but I am envious of her seemingly effortless confidence and how she can just chat to anyone. I find I get quite upset (inwardly) when we're out and she's the centre of attention, whilst I sit there like a lemon.

I really try to suppress these feelings because it's not her fault and I'd hate to lose her as a friend. So no real advice, but I do understand!

Dynomite Mon 27-Jul-15 11:13:01

Well, we all feel that way sometimes. We all have those little moments when we think the grass is greener, why can't I have such a fab life, etc. It's important to 1) not to ever tell her this; 2) not to let this fester into some irrational resentment; and 3)focus on your own life. Why do you have a shit job? Why do you hate being single so much? Make some changes, OP. And also try to be a better friend.

Fatmomma99 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:18:32

I feel for you. But I would also say that we can never really know other people's lives. Something that looks perfect from the outside might be very different in reality.

Whilst I understand why you feel jealous of your friend, being jealous isn't going to bring about any changes for you, so if you can, think about tiny ways you might make changes in your life that would make things different?

Good luck.

AlwaysSpoiled34 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:20:08

Dynomite, grass is always greener on the other side. Please try to remember that life is very ironic and we often don't have something very important to us.

Meanjealousmate Mon 27-Jul-15 11:21:58

I don't think I'm a bad friend to her, that's why I'm posting on here. But I do feel so jealous.

My jobs just above minimum wage, not very good (obviously not her fault!)

MadAsgardian Mon 27-Jul-15 11:25:36

I know this will sound trite and not at all helpful but it might be a mantra you could use.

Don't judge your inside on someone else's outside.

I have a friend who seems to have a perfect life in every way, however I know that she feels under a huge amount of pressure to maintain that, from her own Mother who is a colossal snob and from her DH who is a bully.

Not saying that is the case her but you never know what else is going on.

MadisonMontgomery Mon 27-Jul-15 11:38:33

I think it's normal to be a bit envious sometimes - my cousin married a millionaire v young & has never worked a day in her life. She does appear to have a dream life - but I know in reality she is lonely a lot and she worries that she wouldn't be able to get a job if she wanted one.

ssd Mon 27-Jul-15 11:42:31

Don't judge your inside on someone else's outside.

I like that.

op, I'm jealous of loads of people, mainly the ones who dont need to work and still have no money worries and no compromise needed

but I'll try to remember the above line..

Meanjealousmate Mon 27-Jul-15 11:51:49

I like that saying too and will try to use it.

Athenaviolet Mon 27-Jul-15 11:54:00

You can never really know what someone else's life is like.

Some people are really good at pr- ing their lives.

Pointlessfan Mon 27-Jul-15 11:57:16

I was jealous of friends who could afford to live in a big house and be a sahm until I realised their partners' jobs mean they work all hours, weekends etc to fund that life style. I think I'm happier with my small tatty house and my DH who is not especially well paid but gets home at 4.45 most nights, can work from home and is always around to help with DD and do fun family stuff at the weekend. There's a lot to be said for being happy for what you have.
I also think life is too short to be stuck in a job you don't like, could you retrain or look at different careers?

TheRealAmyLee Mon 27-Jul-15 11:58:11

I think it is natural but just remind yourself that you don't know what's on the inside. I know a few partners of doctors/consultants etc and many say they get very lonely as the job involves long and anti social hours. As others have said try and make positive steps in your own life. Make time to socialise, take up a hobby, investigate the possibility of moving jobs etc. YOU control your future.

Lurkedforever1 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:58:36

Depends how you think of it.
If you simply wish you had that too, and are happy that if you can't both have it, at least one of you does, and are genuinely pleased she's been lucky, yanbu.
If you secretly resent her a bit, and a small part of your mind would relish a bit of bad luck coming her way, or you feel gleeful about any areas you might be superior ( looks, kids achievements etc), or want her to experience being in your shoes, or aren't genuinely pleased for her then yabu.

Meanjealousmate Mon 27-Jul-15 12:02:55

I would never wish misfortune on anybody, much less my friend. I just feel inferior when I compare my life to hers.

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jul-15 12:03:51

Let's get you sorted, OP. Were you at university with her? What's your job now? How did you get into that? What kind of job would you want? Do you have any children?

Make this the start of your new life.

ButterDish Mon 27-Jul-15 12:07:54

I thought you were going to say you were jealous because your friend went to medical school and is having a medical career that she loves and at which she is successful, whereas you aren't happy at work.

I would honestly think about exactly why it is that her life is making you envious, and what it is exactly that you envy. Because I don't think her life sounds particularly enviable, other than the fact she doesn't have obvious money worries. Personally, I couldn't imagine anything less enviable than being a SAHM - it would kill me in a year. Maternity leave nearly killed me. Work is absolutely central to my identity.

If you're not happy in your job, think about what you really want and take steps to get it, even if its a long hail. Your life, the one you really inhabit, is more important and precious than that of someone else whose life you see only from the outside.

Leave aside the trappings like haircuts (seriously? Get yourself a nice haircut of your own! And a makeup tutorial, if that will genuinely make you feel better about yourself!), and see the envy as a message from yourself about the possibilities of changing your life.

ButterDish Mon 27-Jul-15 12:08:51

Long haul, not long hail. Grr.

Pigzoom Mon 27-Jul-15 12:52:24

The grass is always greener as its fertilised with bullshit.
I like that saying, but I mean it in a way that you don't really know what's going on in her life.

LilacWine7 Mon 27-Jul-15 13:09:23

My first H (now XH) was a wealthy businessman. We lived in a big house, i didn't need to work, I spent years doing 'fun' things and yes like your friend i had fancy haircuts, expensive make-up and we went on lots of holidays. Yet I was deeply deeply unhappy.
On the surface most people thought we had a great life, many were envious. But behind closed doors we had an empty, cold marriage and we just didn't get on. He was very controlling and I started to hate him. I felt like I was wasting my life, everything felt bleak and pointless. I ended up on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds although I put on a brave face in front of other people so most had no idea.
I was wildly envious of all my friends, who had jobs and independence and good relationships with their partners. One of my friends rented a tiny damp basement flat with her bf, but they were so happy, and I kept wondering why I couldn't have that sort of happiness too. I was also jealous of my single friends, who I felt still had the chance to meet someone special, had so much flexibility and freedom and excitement in their lives. I knew I'd chosen the wrong partner but was too scared and dependent to admit it for a while. Then after a few years of marriage I decided I had to change...
so I studied for another degree, left my H and took a job far away. I divorced my H (a messy divorce that cost me a fortune in legal fees). I lived in a tiny poky flat in a high-crime area with no spare money, no car etc. I worked full-time, did lots of overtime and weekend working to get my career off the ground. It was tough... but exhilarating. I gradually started to feel alive and confident again. I didn't have much time for socialising (and shopping/beauty spas/fancy haircuts were a thing of the past)... but I was happy and had goals. The job was exhausting and not great, but 2 years later I got a better job in a different city and moved to a much nicer area. I also married my soulmate and we now have a baby on the way. I feel happy, content, and inspired by my DH, who I love more than anything. Just seeing his face each day and spending time with him gives me so much happiness.

I don't miss my old life, in fact I shiver a bit when I look back and remember how it was. It may have appeared 'perfect' to many people, but to me it was a horrible way to live. Money, free time and nice things really don't make you happy or make up for an empty marriage. The fancy lifestyle just disguises it a bit and makes it easier to convince people you're fine.

The point of sharing my story... is that your friend's 'perfect life' may not be what it seems. Even if she's happy with her DH, it's no guarantee she has the life she wanted or that their marriage is good (or will stay good) just because he has a successful career. I'm sure there are things she envies about you and other people.
My advice is to work on changing your own life... change your job, go back to studying, re-locate if necessary, and MAKE time to meet men if you want to settle down/have a family. Be selective about who you settle down with... IME your choice of life-partner is the most important thing of all. Choose someone who makes you feel happy and alive, who you love easily and unconditionally. I knew my current DH was 'the one' when we went on a budget holiday together, lots of things went wrong with the accommodation and flights, but we had so much fun, intimacy and laughter that the practicalities didn't matter!

In a few years you could have all the things your friend has, and more. You never know what's round the corner, but you have to work at making things happen and building the life you want.

rainingsleepingbags Mon 27-Jul-15 13:11:35

Oh OP flowers I bet your friend has someone whose life she's jealous of too. It's human nature.

To offer the reverse perspective, I met and married medical student who is now a successful surgeon. We have a lovely house and two beautiful daughters. I usually wear makeup and do my hair etc. I have a wonderful life.

HOWEVER:

DH is never home. Never. He leaves for work at 5am and is never home before 10pm, seven days a week. At least once a week he doesn't come home at all and just stays at the hospital. He is often on call for weeks on end during which none of us get any sleep with his phone ringing all night. He is also (like lots of doctors IMO) a massive workaholic who sees his job as a life mission IYKWIM. When he is home he is studying or researching. We never, ever get to celebrate birthdays or other events on the day. He's worked every Christmas for the last four years sad

Add to that the endless slog of the actual studying to qualify, the incredible student debt, the astronomical cost of joining the College of Surgeons, the exams. The medical indemnity fees! The intense fears of something bad happening; the wrongful death of a patient, being sued, having an injury to his hands, crashing the car driving home late at night because he's so fatigued. And on and on.

And there's also the constant hassle of family and friends MIL asking him for advice, to write them scripts or look at their scans, more often than not calling me when they can't get hold of him, leaving me to repeat "You really need to see your own GP" a thousand times a day grin

The worst thing so far was him only getting two days off work when our daughters were born prematurely and in NICU. He just couldn't be there. It was hell.

Of course your friend's life might not be like ours. But I swear, what might look like a fairytale on the outside is almost always not on the inside.

rainingsleepingbags Mon 27-Jul-15 13:14:19

Oh and I forgot to add that while I'm doing my makeup and hair, I have two three year olds digging in the bathroom cabinets, squeezing toothpaste everywhere, colouring in the grouting with eyeliner, turning on the shower and getting in fully clothed, and generally getting under my feet and causing chaos! The only reason I bother is because it makes me feel more put together even when things are crazy.

rainingsleepingbags Mon 27-Jul-15 13:18:31

Only one more and I'll shut up:

Infectious disease scares. Needle stick injuries, scalpel cuts. Positive tuberculosis tests shock He did three months working in South Africa before we had the DDs, and managed to stick himself with a needle while working on a dying patient with fullblown AIDS. That was a scary year of blood tests.

Ilovewheelychairs Mon 27-Jul-15 13:19:18

I have a similar friend and also struggle a little at times. However, I wouldn't want to have to live with or marry her husband (who I really don't like!), so I consider myself to have had a lucky escape there! The only thing I do find hard is that she is always wanting to meet up and do expensive things which I simply can't afford to do. She wants to go on a spa day overnight thing for our birthday, and every time we meet we have to have lunch/ afternoon tea/ pedicure etc. I get sick of explaining to her that I can't afford it as she obviously thinks I'm being precious. If I'm honest, this has tainted the friendship a little and we're no longer that close.

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