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To think that my nan should have a picture of my DD up in her house.

(23 Posts)
Dothefridgesquat Sun 26-Jul-15 16:17:22

Big back story to this. My nan is my dads mum. My mum and dad split up almost 10 years ago when I was 14. I put up with a lot of emotional abuse from my dad from the ages of 14-17. When I was 17 his new partner fell pregnant with my brother (now 5). His partner told me she didn't want me coming to the house anymore and I wouldn't be allowed to see my DB when he was born. My dad stood by this and I retaliated and said that if he wasn't willing to stand up to his partner then I wanted nothing to do with him.
In the months that followed my nan, aunty, uncle and cousins all turned against me cause I retaliTed because they loved the drama I received abusive phone calls, texts etc. Eventually they left me alone and I tried to get in with my life.

Eventually I started trying to rebuild my relationship with my dad, his partner and finally met my DB when he was 2 YO. During the period of NCwith my dad he told me that he had fallen out with my aunty, uncle and cousins too and my nan was almost the mediator stuck in the middle of it all trying to stop everybody from fighting.
I rebuilt my relationship with her at this point too and we have remained in contact (and still are).

I tried to make amends with my aunt, uncle and cousins but to no avail. my eldest cousin would blow hot and cold, she would acknowledge me in public if she was on her own but if she turned up at nans house and I was there all hell would break loose. "I come to see you every day and she thinks she can just turn up every once in a blue moon" etc. the other week I had parked up at the supermarket when a car pulled up next to me. It was my cousin and aunt. They saw that I was in the car next to them, reversed out of the parking space and drove out of the car park.

About a year ago we held a first birthday party for my DD, my dad promised that he would come (he lives 3 miles away) but he didn't show up. I rang him up to confront him the day after and he said that his DP didn't want to go because my SIL was there and they don't get on.
I went round to the house and explained how upset I was. They were both drunk (alcoholics) and started slurring abuse at me. Cue the abusive phone calls threatening petrol bombs through the window, "I've got an axe and I feel like I want to kill somebody" at 1:30am in the morning.

Sorry it may sound as thigh I'm going off on a tangent but it's all relevant to where we are today. My dads DP has serious psychological issues, she hates being left on her own and is very needy and demanding, she also suffers with bipolar and none of this is helped by her excessive drinking and debt due to her ridiculous spending habits. Neither of them have a job as such, they breed dogs, my dad does all the work whilst she sits on her arse on FB. They have such a toxic relationship. He gone from having a supportive family, friends, good job , good health etc, to having no job, no family, no friends, being 25 stones, depression, alcoholism, diabetes and various other health problems. She's dragged him down so much, he's an adult and can make his own choices but I fucking hate what she's done to him.

Anyway, back to my nan. ive always made the effort to maintain a relationship. She never rings up for birthdays or Christmas' never even bothers with a card. I'm always the one who has to ring her first. I had an unexpected phone call off her a couple of months back, my dad was in a bad way and had attempted suicide (oh she remembers my number now).

I called in with DD 2, yesterday, I did just drop in unexpectedly I will admit. I thought she'd be delighted to see her great grand daughter but obviously I was wrong.
We were both met with a hostile atmosphere, she was glancing out of the window at every car that went past and seemed to be very on edge, I can understand that, ts really no fun being stuck in the middle of rowing families but from my POV, I've done nothing wrong.
The thing that struck me the most though, was the fact that despite being given 3 pictures of DD not one of them was on display in her house. NOT ONE!! She's always favoured my cousins and it's always been that was and has never really bothered me as such but FGS!! It's like a shine to my cousin, her child and her husbands DC'S and GC's in her house, you wouldn't even know that myself my DB or DD even existed. I asked her if she still had the photos and she said "yes but they're in those cardboard frames and they don't stand up properly."
I can't help but think she feels as though she's going to get grief for having a picture of her own grand daughter on display in her own home and if so then I feel for her but then another part of me thinks that DD is completely innocent in all of this so just put a fucking picture up to aknowledge that she exists, fuck what everyone else thinks or says.

I just ithink that after everything I've been through and had to put up with, they should cut me some slack and give DD the acknowledgement she deserves. AIBU?

mrsfuzzy Sun 26-Jul-15 16:22:21

what a toxic family, i would give these people a width berth and get on with my own life with dd, creating a happy ,loving and safe life for her. you don't need all this shit and neither does she.

DonkeyOaty Sun 26-Jul-15 16:22:39

Tbh I wouldn't bother with any of them again

Wash yer hands of the whole lot of 'em

Dothefridgesquat Sun 26-Jul-15 16:23:54

I know, I know. Easier said than done though right? sad

UncertainSmile Sun 26-Jul-15 16:25:11

Jesus, fuck 'em all. Life's too short.
Have they really got anything positive to contribute to the lives of you or your daughter?

LikeABadSethRogenMovie Sun 26-Jul-15 16:31:26

Blimey! After reading all that, your Gran putting a photo up is the least of your problems! I would just accept you've been unfortunately blessed with a toxic family and let them go.

Was it your own father threatening to kill you in the middle of the night?!!!

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 26-Jul-15 16:32:08

Oh god, please cut the cycle of abuse now, and make yourself a proper family, who behave in a normal way! Just do it, who needs that in their life?!

Micah Sun 26-Jul-15 16:32:13

No one has to display photos.

I think you have much bigger issues to deal with than a photo, tbh.

First thing that jumped out at me, is that there is a 5 year old in the middle of all this. With, if I understand correctly, two alcoholic and abusive parents.

I'd be completely washing my hands of my relationship with them, and not expecting anything. Keep did NC. But I'd be maintains contact to protect my brother.

Dothefridgesquat Sun 26-Jul-15 16:37:22

I've contacted SS regarding my DB who have done nothing!! Of course she doesn't have to display photos, none of us do but we still do it as a reminder of the people we love and who are important to us. I'm too forgiving and have given them all chance after chance. I just thought things would improve for the sake of DD. I want her to have a grandad and a great nana but it's just not meant to be.

The whole photo thing sounds trivial but I find it quite passive aggressive if I'm honest.

mummytime Sun 26-Jul-15 16:53:51

Please go and get yourself some counselling. Read about toxic families, I think "Toxic Families" is a good place to start. Join the stately homes threads in "Relationships" here.

These are not the kind of people you want around your child. SS can be useless, if you are worried about your brother then maybe talk to NSPCC and his school/ nursery (if he attends one).

But build relationships with any good family you have (DC's fathers family, your mother's?) and leave these toxic people to fade away.

bigbumtheory Sun 26-Jul-15 18:05:11

They sound like they don't actually want a relationship with you OP, which is sad to say. Do you find yourself going out of your way to see them? Do they go out of their way and arrange to see you or communicate? This all sounds so very one-sided as though they want the bare minimum if anything. They don't sound like they are great anything material.

I doubt you will ever get what you want with them so either you have to accept this scant attempt and dismissal of you both or you do as people have said, break this cycle and surround yourself and your child with people who have respect, love and support. There's no other way really, you seem to be giving and trying, and they either reject or take.

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 26-Jul-15 18:10:40

In all honestly I would be trying to protect my child from them, not trying to force them to have a relationship with her that none of them want. She doesn't need that sort of family, and arguably it would be worse for her to have to witness their ambivalence and/ or hostility.

Photos are a complete red herring. Not even worth discussing.

Be careful what you wish for.

VeganCow Sun 26-Jul-15 20:26:44

You say they breed dogs, are they staffies by any chance, or rotties? They sound mad and I would keep my distance.

1Morewineplease Sun 26-Jul-15 21:05:13

Please try to get some counselling!!! You are bearing a lot of guilt and regret... It's not your fault!... You sound like the only sane one and seem very lonely,
I feel for you truly!

Dothefridgesquat Tue 28-Jul-15 08:20:31

No they breed cockerpoos, whatever that are . . . .
I've had counselling before because of them. I seem to forget about them all and start getting in with my life without them and then I get the dreaded phoneccall from my ban toast dads in a bad way and I need to get back in touch with him as he "needs" to speak to me.

It's funny how she selectively remembers my number when she wants me to pick up the pieces but doesn't bother to ring up for birthdays and Christmas.

ThoseAwfulCurtains Tue 28-Jul-15 08:29:19

These are not people I would want in my DC's lives. They will not change. I know how difficult it is to hanker after a family and then have to go it alone but you would be doing the right thing by your child to protect them and cut contact with toxic people. Getting counselling for yourself might be useful too.

ThoseAwfulCurtains Tue 28-Jul-15 08:30:36

More counselling I mean. To look at what to do when they come calling.

FenellaFellorick Tue 28-Jul-15 08:51:16

what do you love about them? What's great about them? What happiness do they bring to your life?

'A family any family will do' is never going to make you happy.

It's very clear that these people are not family in the true sense of the word. They are just people you happen to be genetically connected to.

When they have done all that they have done. When they have hurt you over and over and over. When they treat you with such contempt - why do you still need and want them in your life?

In your shoes - I'd change my number.

I think some more counselling may benefit you, so you can unravel why you keep going back. Is it because there's a part of you that still hopes one day they will actually treat you with the love that you had the right to have growing up but never did?

It's so hard to try to accept that people who should love and cherish you never did.

It leaves you feeling like you've been, well, robbed.

But you have to deal with things as they are, not as they ought to be.

These people will never be who they ought to be.

They are just people who shit on you over and over and over.

You don't deserve that.

Your daughter doesn't need to grow up thinking that's how family treat you!

Mrsjayy Tue 28-Jul-15 09:00:30

That is dreadful they sound horrible people I know you want to be in contact with your Nan but is it really worth the hurt and hassle to you the no photogaph must have really hurt your feelings i really would retreat from the lot of them. My parents divorced and my gran (dads mum) would walk past me in the street an auntie would stop and chat and sh e would keep walking she was a mean old boot.

dashoflime Tue 28-Jul-15 09:18:12

Hi OP,
My parents are both from weird toxic families like yours. Both of them managed to break away as adults, moving some distance from their parents and cutting off various siblings.
When me and my sister were kids they both made a effort (with their respective parents) to facilitate our relationships with grandparents. Like you- it was very one sided. My parents had to do all the arranging, travelling ect..
Visits were at the grandparents houses, normally dressed in stiff formal clothes, generally not being awknowleged or played with by the grandparents and under orders to be on "best behaviour" because both sets of grandparents had very little tolerance for normal childhood behaviour.
Unsurprisingly we were not close.
I visited one of my grandma's with my baby and said "look, heres your greatgrandson". She didn't even look up. She just said "oh, I've got loads of greatgrandchildren, all the kids in that photo are my great grandchildren"
She died recently and there was not one photo of myself or my sister in her stuff- she was sent school photos but must have thrown them out.
My sister is upset about this. Myself- not so much.
The way I see it, our parents did us a big favour by distancing us (geographicly) from our grandparents. Much better to grow up unaknowleged by the crazies than sitting in the eye of the storm taking their nonsense.
Hopefully your DC will have a similar calm, loving childhood. Walk away now.

ohtheholidays Tue 28-Jul-15 09:50:04

Please go NC with all of them!

I promise you,you will feel so much better for it,it will take time but it does work!

All this stress and angst isn't something that you yourself,your LO and your OH do not need in your life's.

Stop making any effort were they are concerned,if they want to be apart of your life let them make the first move.You've already given far more than should ever have been expected of you!

Change your phone number/numbers so they can't harrass you anymore.

For the sake of your little brother keep reporting them,speak to SS,his school,childline,you don't have to give your name or explain who you are to the little boy.It can all be done confidentially.Believe me I've had to do a lot in the past.

I went no contact with my oldest brother,his partner,all of his children(they're all adults)they were all what you'd call the black sheeps of the family.

All of my family know why,they've all heard his version(of bullshit)and they all know the truth(what we told them)he forgets that other family members witnessed what they did wrong.My brother has wronged all of my family,My Mum and Dad,my other brother,my other brothers children and god knows who else in the family.

Some of the family still speak to him,but my Mum and Dad never forgave him and a lot of my aunties,uncles and cousins now have nothing to do with him.

Going NC was by far the best decision I've ever made for my family.

Dothefridgesquat Tue 28-Jul-15 10:10:36

I reported them confidentially last time and my dad told me that after being on the phone to SS demanding to know who it was that reported them they gave him my name, I don't know whether or not to believe that.

LB still hasn't started school, the last I knew there was talk of him being home schooled but how the hell they will manage that I don't know. I've also spoken to the NSPCC and the police but they've not been very helpful at all.

Dad made a comment "SS know when someone is making false reports just to be malicious" I dread to think what that poor child has had too witness. His speech is delayed, he's barely had any contact with other kids, he's very disruptive etc. she sits him in front of the TV watching shitty American cartoons all day, if he could talk properly I'm pretty sure he'd have an American accent from all the gash he has to watch.

Don't get me wrong he is well dressed, well fed and almost spoiled with toys etc but living with two alcoholics who both have mental issues and refuse to send him to school must really take some living with.

ohtheholidays Wed 29-Jul-15 12:54:36

I promise you now OP,they would not have passed your name on.If someone did that they could face loosing they're job!

I'd keep trying for the sake of the child,if no one ever checks god knows what could happen to that poor child.

Ring SS,the Police and Childline all today,tell them how bad things have got and tell them that you are worried for the child's immediate safety and life!

Make sure to get the names of whoever you speak to.If you ask for they're names they know that your serious then and that your going to be checking up on them and making sure that they're doing they're job with regards to protecting a child.

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