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About exH's wedding?

(94 Posts)
MagicalHamSandwich Sun 26-Jul-15 12:57:41

So my ex is getting married again apparently. He's just phoned to let me know before the news goes out on social media etc. - which is really quite decent of him, actually.

Ex and I have our differences but we generally get along and have some sort of a quasi-friendship going.

Here's the thing: he's just made me 'the very first invitee' to his wedding. He also suggested I be a bridesmaid to his new wife (whom I've yet to meet - awkward!).

To top it off, apparently it's exMIL who insisted and told him she wasn't not having me there.

I think this all sounds rather inappropriate and rather awkward - arguably more so for the bride than for myself. I wouldn't exactly want me there if I were her. Apparently ever since we've been divorced ExH has been told he's an idiot for letting 'gorgeous, smart, successful and kind' Magical go. (I'm really none of the above ... ). I don't particularly want to be the gold standard to which his new wife is supposed to live up.

There's also the fact that I may feel a pang of jealousy - not because I'd ever want the ex back but because he's getting married and I've managed all of three dates since the divorce - all horrortastic failures.

Have so far stated that I may be in the US for work (true) and might not make it due to business commitments (not true - I could definitely get time off) to avoid having to commit myself.

Help me out here, MN, WWYD?

Anon4Now2015 Sun 26-Jul-15 13:01:35

I'm now waiting for the post on here from someone saying "My DP's mother just made him ask his ExW to be my bridesmaid" grin

Sorry I know that's not very helpful. Definitely politely decline the bridesmaid offer - maybe suggest that his DP should pick her own bridesmaids from people she feels closest to. Do you have DC together? If you do it makes sense that he would invite you to be there for your DC.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 26-Jul-15 13:02:23

I wouldn't go, why on earth would his Fiancee want you there and shock as a Bridesmaid?

Absolutely no fucking way.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 26-Jul-15 13:02:40

Blimey his poor wife to be shock not your fault OP but can you imagine someone suggesting to your future husband that your ex be his best man?

Decline the invite (make something up) and tell him how wildly unfair he is being to his new wife

itsmeitscathy Sun 26-Jul-15 13:02:44

wow, have you got kids together?

I'd tell the truth - his wedding is about his future not his past and you'd feel uncomfortable attending.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Sun 26-Jul-15 13:02:45

I think there is no way that you can cancel your 'business commitments' , especially given the stuff around your ex-mil...

Why don't you see them post wedding and make appropriate noises about the photos?

SaucyJack Sun 26-Jul-15 13:03:40


Do you have children, and do you even want to go?

Whatever you do tho, do NOT be the bridesmaid. You'll look like a berk to be quite frank.

Crumpet1 Sun 26-Jul-15 13:04:26

I would thank him but mention it's up to his wife to be to choose her bridesmaids! I can't decide if he's just being really friendly or if he's not over you.

Tangerineandturquoise Sun 26-Jul-15 13:07:04

the only gracious thing you can do for future relations-between her and you-him and her and MIL and her is to smile nicely and decline
He would have to be living it up with the pixies not to thing the whole thing is odd

theendoftheendoftheend Sun 26-Jul-15 13:09:15

Don't go!!!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged Sun 26-Jul-15 13:10:59

Wow! YANBU. But don't make excuses. I think you need to help the new wife out here (I presume she is 'new', not ow or anything?) Tell him you appreciate the offer but it's thoroughly inappropriate and unfair on his new wife. If you have DC then you could go 'to look after them' if you want to but otherwise I'd steer well clear!

MagicalHamSandwich Sun 26-Jul-15 13:11:03

No children. In fact my series of miscarriages was one of the reasons our marriage broke apart.

No, I absolutely do not wish to be her bridesmaid. I'm also not sure I should be there at all.

Knowing myself I'd have an identity crisis, spend three months dieting and exercising and then turn up in an impossibly sexy dress and my hunkiest co-worker as a plus 1 just to prove to myself that this didn't happen just because I'm not gorgeous enough ... I have some self-esteem issues, alright! grin

Don't think the bride needs that - and neither do I!

I really do wish them all the best. But, yes, it's hard to see he found someone whereas I'm basically married to my job and waiting for my sell-by date to pass.

tumbletumble Sun 26-Jul-15 13:11:20

Your ex MIL sounds like a nightmare!

formerbabe Sun 26-Jul-15 13:14:16

Haven't you booked a holiday that coincides with their wedding?! wink

MagicalHamSandwich Sun 26-Jul-15 13:14:24

My exMIL is kind of a nightmare! She's actually lovely in her own way but thoroughly insane!

I really only turned lovely, gorgeous, successful and kind after the divorce. Before that I was a barren workaholic who didn't look after her husband.

She's completely bonkers, alright! grin

Zucker Sun 26-Jul-15 13:17:54

Sounds like the ex may not be ready to get married.

"Very first invitee" said like that, he's bestowing a special place in the wedding onto you. As for the bridesmaid to the new wife, holy hell. That poor girl.

Yeah, I'd be ever so busy for the forseeable.

Mrsjayy Sun 26-Jul-15 13:19:10

Yes she is Bonkers off her rocker bonkers I dont even know what to say poor new wife

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 26-Jul-15 13:20:35

Just remember it's an invitation not a summons.

Your ex MIL sounds ridiculous (and I can't imagine the new DIL will be impressed that MIL thinks you must be there)

Don't go! or go and tell us all about it grin

Mrsjayy Sun 26-Jul-15 13:24:04

Not having a dig at you but maybe you are a bit to close to them all and Ex mil still holds you as a special member of the family

MagicalHamSandwich Sun 26-Jul-15 13:24:38

I'm reasonably certain the ex is not really over me, yes. He does say things like 'I'll never find anyone like you' or 'no woman will ever mean to me what you did'. And it was me who left him FWIW - mostly because he was simply suffocating me.

It's all less than ideal, TBH, and I do kind of feel sorry for the new wife (who seems lovely according to her FB - and actually way more gorgeous than me).

Regarding her new MIL I reckon O could write the definitive manual for her - I was married to her son for 10 years and lived to tell the tale. I should really get an OBE for that!

LHReturns Sun 26-Jul-15 13:25:00

You sound hilarious and a total catch OP.

Don't go, and don't be DP gets on well with his ex wife, and his mother still likes her - but the idea of her coming to our wedding is comical. And they DO have children!

But do the three months exercising and buy the sexy dress anyway. Will be satisfying.

MsColouring Sun 26-Jul-15 13:25:47


No offence intended but I am getting married to my dp in December and I have made it very clear that his ex wife needs to be nowhere near because it is the one day that I just want to be about us. She is involved in everything else we do because of DSS.

I think your reaction is right and appropriate and you should make your excuses.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 Sun 26-Jul-15 13:25:51

I invited my husbands ex wife to our wedding I thought she'd like to see her kids in the bridesmaid / best man gear and it would be nice for the kids to see them there. It wasn't at all awkward confused

The bridesmaid thing is weird and it sounds like OP suspects that he hasnt emotionally moved on which puts another slant on it but if there's no ill feeling and kids involved, why not?

Sapat Sun 26-Jul-15 13:25:59

The wedding - it depends on your current relationship, whether you have kids, the circumstances of the divorce and how long ago it was. If you are not keen to go, I wouldn't, it is kind to no-one to be there and spoil the party. I went to a family member (lovely) second wedding recently, his grown up children were there, there was something bittersweet about their presence, evidence of the failure of his first marriage. However amicable everyone was, I am not sure the presence of his ex wife would have added much.

The bridesmaids thing, absolutely not. I suspect he got overjoyed at the idea of getting married again, and in an outburst of happiness overstepped the boundary by a) inviting you and b) asking you to be a bridesmaid. His fiancée might be livid.

The kind thing would be to make noises about doubting you can attend and then wait to see if an invitation actually materialises. It was polite and considerate to be invited, it will be polite and considerate to decline.

MagicalHamSandwich Sun 26-Jul-15 13:26:22

Haven't actually seen exMIL for 18 months, Mrsjay, so that can hardly be the issue! She hated me when I was married to ex. confused

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