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Use of the words abusive and controlling on MN

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SrAssumpta Sun 26-Jul-15 12:25:08

Recently there seems to be a surge in the dramatically unnecessary use of words like abusive and controlling on here and I really think I've become desensitized to it so I would imagine that's how real victims of abuse or people with genuinely controlling partners would feel too if they came on talking about their relationship, does that make sense?

A woman got told the other day she sounded controlling for making a meal plan ffs, I mean seriously? These words get thrown around now it's going to either lead to everyone thinking they're in abusive relationships or in fact controlling and the people who genuinely need to understand that their relationship isn't normal won't be able to see it because suddenly everybody is abusive or controlling.

TheHouseOnBellSt Sun 26-Jul-15 12:27:36

I've been here for 8 years and it's nothing new.

SrAssumpta Sun 26-Jul-15 12:29:49

I've been here for about 3 but in the past year it seems to have really exploded!

AuntyMag10 Sun 26-Jul-15 12:30:03

Yanbu, it's really overused on here and most often in the incorrect way. I've seen posters try to twist threads to even make it sound like there is abuse or control. Or repeatedly ask the op for more info because there must be underlying abuse.
It's really sad for those who actually experience it.

yogababymum Sun 26-Jul-15 12:31:31

YANBU I agree. That and the use of LTB in minor situations.

StarlingMurmuration Sun 26-Jul-15 12:32:19

I've been meaning to start a thread on this too, prompted in particular by that exact example you give in your OP! YANBU, it's ridiculous what people get accused of being controlling for. Controlling behaviour is demanding to see your partner's phone so you can go through all his texts, or making her get changed before they go out because you think their top is too revealing, not asking your husband to pop something in the oven because you're working late, FFS.

StarlingMurmuration Sun 26-Jul-15 12:33:45

Got my pronouns a bit mixed up then trying to make things gender neutral...

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 26-Jul-15 12:36:44

It's the way of MN, there is always a few buzz words that get over used and often in the wrong context. If I see the words entitled or passive aggressive one more time I'll go potty!

SaucyJack Sun 26-Jul-15 12:37:52

YABU. A lot of negative behaviour in relationships is controlling, and I don't see a problem with labelling it as such if it gets people to stop and think.

That's not to say it's intentionally abusive or always serious, mind.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 26-Jul-15 12:40:12

I've noticed recently 'controlling ' has overtaken 'entitled' as a much used adjective.

derxa Sun 26-Jul-15 12:41:27

YANBU Situations IRL which are easily resolved being turned into a great drama and people told to LTB over something very trivial. There are people here in genuinely horrible relationships who need confirmation of this and those people are not the ones I'm talking about. flowers to them

Anon4Now2015 Sun 26-Jul-15 12:43:04

Agreed. I also think that there seems to be a real lack of sympathy/empathy/understanding for the fact that sometimes people get stressed or lose their temper and do things that are shitty or unreasonable or out of character. That doesn't in itself make them controlling or abusive - just human.

FujimotosElixir Sun 26-Jul-15 12:43:42

Yy op, although I do think the rel board is exemplary in some ways. Narcissist is another one, everyones ex is a narcissist

FirstWeTakeManhattan Sun 26-Jul-15 12:44:04

YANBU. For anyone who has been in a genuinely controlling or abusive relationship, it can be a little hmm to see the word applied to meal planning and the like. It's hard to get a thread of more than three posts at the moment raising any DP issue without abusive and controlling being bandied about.

MN can be a bit bandwagon-y though.

FarFromAnyRoad Sun 26-Jul-15 12:47:47

YANBU - the use of 'controlling' when applied to ridiculously non-controlling situations like, as you say, meal planning is just beyond absurd. It's lazy as well - as though the poster saying it can't be arsed to think it through and find the correct word for the situation. When people do that a little part of them goes into the 'CUNT' book grin

Anon4Now2015 Sun 26-Jul-15 12:50:17

* Narcissist is another one, everyones ex is a narcissist*

Oooooh yes. This one gets me too. And their ILs. Having worked in mental health I always want to point out how rare real narcissism actually is.

WayneRooneysHair Sun 26-Jul-15 12:51:26

YANBU OP, I still remember being told that I was aggressive for using the phrase shouting distance.

Some people just throw words around without thinking.

cleanmyhouse Sun 26-Jul-15 12:54:29

It is a bit bandwagony.

I worry about the amount of armchair psychology and how damaging it could be. There are some self appointed experts on here who are basically behaving like therapists. It's dangerous. If they are therapists in real life, they should know never to behave the way they are.

Mrsjayy Sun 26-Jul-15 13:01:43

Ive been hacked off a few timez the last 2 days with the throwing about of abuse and negle regarding babies yanbu people use extreme emotive words all the time though I dont think its recent on here.

lutra3d Sun 26-Jul-15 13:05:11

It's only an online forum, it's not professional advice. It should all be taken with a pinch of salt. In RL people do the same thing.

Mrsjayy Sun 26-Jul-15 13:06:16

Yeah its bandwagony Iagree i dont even open threads with narc its just a word they use when somebodys personality ticks you off.

TheHouseOnBellSt Sun 26-Jul-15 13:10:07

I get annoyed by "He's gaslighting you!" at every turn,

ClashCityRocker Sun 26-Jul-15 13:12:24

I agree.

I also hate it when OPs are harangued to leave a relationship that they are for the most part happy in, but just have one minor issue.

I think people sometimes forget that all they know about a relationship is what one party has chosen to disclose on an Internet forum. It is not apropriate, on that basis, to hound the op for not leaving immediately. It particularly irks me when posters start telling them how damaged the children will be, and how they are doing them a disservice by allowing them to be brought up in a household where things aren't perfect all of the time.

And some of the advice is terrible - 'just change the locks' being a prime example.

Having said that, there are of course people who find themselves in terrible situations and need support and maybe even educating - but way to many fairly normal domestic quarrels are being lumped into that category.

ClashCityRocker Sun 26-Jul-15 13:13:47

Also, as well as narcs, everyone seems to have a psychopathic ex.

He might well have been a twat and treated you like shit, but he probably isn't psychopathic.

sugar21 Sun 26-Jul-15 13:36:03

I have been in a bad marriage, been beaten up and had my arm broken, been really unhappy and watched my ex and myself fall apart. I know the reasons for all of it and yes I have ltb and we are now divorced. None of it fits a label and none of it could be foreseen. My DD died, my ex couldn't handle that and neither could I, he turned to the bottle and became a different person.
Its easy to label and tell someone to ltb but the reality is totally different. Meal planning didn't happen, we hardly ate.
Right now after all that has happened I still love him, God knows why but I do. Yes I've had counselling and no it didn't help much.
So to conclude, don't throw fuckin titles and labels around because every one is different and life deals shit cards and we don't all fit into pre determined boxes.

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