To be annoyed at DH for saying I'm not good with people(21 Posts)
I am still annoyed at this a few days on. I moved to the UK 16 years ago, but I'm not from here, I grew up elsewhere. My family is quiet, small and my extended family lived elsewhere so it was very quiet. I had a nice network of close friends.
My DH grew up in Ireland, big family, lots of people, a mother who is very social, always passing around sandwiches when people are around etc.. He claims he is not very social but can talk to everyone, v active on social media blah blah.
The other day he says to me 'you're not very good with people are you, you are even worse with people than I am' like it has suddenly come as a surprise and says we should be more social, have people around.
I pointed out that we have already had one party this year as well as a party for DS and that frankly all the work for these things fall on me while he gets to work the room being interesting (he had a very interesting job, my job is very dull). I also organise all the social things for the DC, playdates etc.
I do find people a bit of a mystery some times, I'm probably quite naïve and find social pressures a bit scary, but I do my bit and try and be nice. I suspect I'm an introvert but I don't think just because I'm not a social butterfly I'm not 'good with people'.
Being self reliant enough not to need constant entertainment from hordes of people isn't the same as not being good with them!
Tell him you are looking forward to him inviting people round and getting the house ready, buying in food etc
I'm presuming you're able to talk to friends you like OK.
Not being able to 'work' a room doesn't stop you being sociable really, it's part of it but not it in its entirety
So you're not his mother? Is that the problem. Or maybe he needs to widen his understanding of different cultures.
What sort of work are you doing whilst he's being sociable? Making sure everyone has decent food and drink and are enjoying themselves? Which means you have the stresses of being a good host whilst he is really just being a guest isn't it.
It sounds like you just don't like your DHs choice of wording to say something that you seem to agree with.
Did he say it in a critical way, or in a passing comment type of way? It seems a bit daft to be upset days later about a comment that you probably agree with and that probably had no malice or bad intent behind it.
My OH isn't good with people, I am.
It's worked for us for decades. he has other strengths I lack.
Your DH sounds tactless rather than critical.
Thanks! At least it's not just me!
I think he was tactless, but I don't think he meant to be mean. This does seem to have surfaced after a recent trip to see his mother (who is very social and don't get me wrong, I like her very much). I think it just made it more apparent that I am not like that, but then as I pointed out if he wanted someone who could handle all that hospitality then maybe he should of married someone like that several years ago.
I just wanted to vent though, it stung and upset me.
I think the way he said was a bit rude and not helpful.
You don't have to be into big social gatherings to be good with people.
I'm good with people, I wouldn't be in the job I am if I wasn't - but I actively avoid the kind of gathering that's entire purpose is just to be sociable. It's not my idea of fun.
Your dh's idea of good with people clearly stems from his family life. But there are different ways of being good with people, and entertaining a room is only one of them. It's a skill i'd love to have, but I am totally at ease with the fact it will never be my thing.
He needs to be OK with the fact that it isn't your thing either. But I think some social people don't really understand that others don't function that way.
OH came from a quieter family than mine, with much older parents.
I still remember the completely tharn look on his face as he suddenly realised there were 6 people in the room and four simultaneous conversations.
That was in 1983 and I thought 'O bugger, that's him running for the hils with his brain fused'
But somehow, we worked out a compromise. talking and being specific about why you are upset will help, if he's a social butterfly type it might not even have registered.
'He needs to be OK with the fact that it isn't your thing either. But I think some social people don't really understand that others don't function that way.'
Yes. Sometimes we need a prod.
He's equating being an extrovert with being good with people. It doesn't work like that. Don't allow his comment to affect your self esteem or how you act in social occasions. If you're an introvert, there's no shame in that. I detest parties with a passion or big loud social gatherings. It has taken me until now, in my mid 40s, to accept there's nothing wrong with that and stop forcing myself into situations I hate.
Well yes this is a different people are different thing.
Some people who think they are "good at" being sociable, "working the room", and "talking to anyone" come across as right dicks and people cringe when they see them arriving! There is no "good" or "bad" it depends on the person, and preferring say an in depth chat to a friend or 2 rather than a less in depth conversation with lots of people you don't know doesn't mean that you aren't good with people.
Thank you all, this is very helpful!
I am no good at working the room, but I like to think I'm nice one to one, certainly I try to be
I'm going to have another word with him so he can see my point of view. If he wants to socialise more than he can do more of the actual work rather than just inviting people to the house and leaving me to sort out how an what to feed them and how to keep the children occupied.
YANBU. I hate that being extrovert is valued more than those of us who are more reserved. As a fellow introvert, I am also better one to one, groups are just not me, its all a bit exhausting if its more than 3 people. I really like having one or two close friends not loads of more casual ones. I am a bit of a people watcher at work , I came to realise a lot of the extroverts are actually quite needy. ie. they have to be centre stage and cant bear more than 5mins without company or an audience. I cringe at any unwarranted attention and prefer to be in the background just getting on with stuff with a couple of mates for the odd chat and support when things arent too manic.
I think this ism ore about sexism than anything. Yes if he wants a party a month he can have one but he has to do the inviting, bringing in the food and finding someone to keep the children busy whilst the guests are there and perhaps 1 in 2 of the parties you could go out for too and he just has them with his friends as they are his thing. Quiet is a good book on personality types. I read it on holiday this summer.
Oh yes for sure if he wants more parties he can do the work - inviting, organising, buying food in, making sure plates glasses etc are clean and sufficient, cleaning house bathrooms, preparing food, offering drinks nibbles all that stuff.
If it's that important, he could even do that and you could slope off out somewhere with a close friend or 2 - and come back when it's all finished clean tidy recycled and put away!
Well its easy to be the life and soul of the party when someone else is doing the donkey work. Yes he needs reminding that he needs to do more towards social gatherings
I am extremely comfortable with small groups of friends, and tend to be one of the more outspoken people in that environment, but put me into the middle of a house party with only acquaintances or strangers and I will be withdrawn and very uncomfortable. You can be good with people but not enjoy certain social situations.
So you manage to organise playdates?
How does he think that that happens then?!
Also how is spending time talking to a few people that you really get on with less sociable than having a few superficial minutes with everyone?
I walk the dog every day and am happy enough to exchange a few pleasantries with fellow dog walkers.
I rarely initiate conversations though, although will engage if someone else does.
Doesn't bother me if I don't see anyone else either!
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